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Let's talk about sex and relationships!
emilyroseyates
Member Posts: 6 Listener
Hi there, I'm Emily, one of the visiting non - expert sexperts to this forum and representing Enhance the UK's Love Lounge. I'm 23, a permanent wheelchair user with cerebral palsy and currently dividing my time between Leeds and Rio, working as a disability awareness trainer and an accessibility consultant for the upcoming 2016 Olympic and Paralympic Games. Using our own experiences, Mik and I will try and give solid advice on all your questions regarding love, sex and relationships. So whether you're gay or straight, disabled or with someone who has a disability, near or far away, get in touch! X
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To make sure I mull you questions over and give you advice I know will help I won't answer right away. So please be patient, and I will put my thoughts on your issues up as soon as I can. But get asking, and I will get answering asap!
If I'm honest I have always seen my impairment as a filter that saves me from dating some people who would have not been, shall we say, a good match (polite eh?). We are disabled and if someone finds that a turn off then not being with them is better for all concerned. So if you use online dating, be upfront and that way you will only get those people who don't really care. Sure it will cut down the number of responses but is that bad thing?
Us oldies can count ourselves lucky. We met in clubs and bars face to face. We could over come the stereotypes around disability in person and so it wasn't such a big deal. One bit of advice I would give to anyone is that was the best way of meeting people. If you can creating an active social life leads you to situations where you meet people in an environment that allows relationships to form around who you are and not what you are. But that could just be the old man talking. Whatever you try, good luck and have fun. If you approach it as a laugh and not some serious search for love then you can't loose.
" Have you ever had sex? " like one if I hadn't had sex before would I tell you?, and two that's a good conversation starter if that's your idea of a ice breaker I dont think we will EVER !! have sex .
I find now that I am more confident in my self and how I am with others ,but as soon as I went over to Mars and left venus behind ( a little trans joke ) I find that struggle with dating. Like I was the cool hot girl that was good at video games and good at fixing cars ...... now I don't know I am a lot more guarded. I don't know I just feel like something has changed, I was Guarded about guys wanting me as a fantasy lay .
Now its that plus the added pressure of "do they want me Carl or the women side of me because I am pre op and not on hormones so I dont know is it me am I putting my foot in the water too soon ? or am I just too jaded or think to much ?
I will also have a chat with my Trans mates and see if they have any pearls of wisdom I can pass on. Until then, I think it's best to be cautious at first but not too let that prevent you from dating. Be up front and honest, and let that new found confidence shine through. Hope that helps somewhat?
Regardless of a certain difficulty or disability, I hope this case has been dealt with the severity it deserves; any financial dealings around sex, and domestic abuse, are illegal (this seems to be a 'glossed over' part in the article), and I do personally believe that this lady's condition leads to a much more sensitive case with lots of factors to think about.
As to whether or not I think the verdict was correct, it's hard to say as I do not know the lady and, as with many things, all cases are different based on the individual and their needs. Her age is a really pivotal part of the case as if she'd been only a few years younger and legally a child, her disability would have only strengthened the horror of the case. With the age she is, however, the court has a real dilemma of treating her just like any other adult, or basing their decision on a child's case, and effectively demeaning her by doing so. The problem, it seems, is that there are no guidlines for anything inbetween, which this situation obviously is!
I do think that this case and your eagerness to talk about it has made clear that situations like this need to be looked at closely and reviewed with sensitivity. In my opinion, this article highlights the very sad truth that, with correct preventative measures and support for the lady, these awful events would possibly never have happened; this should never have been a case for the court to decide. Apologies for not being able to give you a 'black and white' answer, but more than happy to keep chatting things through if you wish to do so.
Emily x
My boyfriend and I have a running joke. Embarrassingly, whenever we visit his family, they take the toilet seat off so I can't snap it off if I stumble when I'm transferring - it's happened before! It's all done in good spirits and I jokingly bought his dad a new toilet seat for his birthday, but I can totally relate to the awkwardness that you're worried about!
I now have a little frame around the toilet in our flat. At first, I refused to use it as it looked so chunky and sterile compared the rest of the bathroom that we've colourfully decorated. So, one evening, my boyfriend, a friend, and I used some little model paints and completely redesigned the toilet frame together. There's now multicoloured flowers, suns, and reindeers(?) on it, and it looks SO cool to the extent that people comment on it, and I feel much happier using it.
From what you've written, you and your partner seem pretty solid, so my advice would be to have fun with the new stuff that's going to make your life easier. Have a painting session together maybe, and I don't know what you're into in the bedroom, but there's plenty of ways that the bedloop could be spiced up to make for a very exciting sex life... Most of all, talk to your partner about how anxious you're feeling. Explain that you don't want things to be any different between the two of you and that you want him to feel that he can talk to you about anything that might be bothering him too!
Good luck with it, and if you want any more info on my mobility aids business or how you might be able to spice things up further, give me a shout!
Emily x
These sex aids are not specifically designed for people with disabilities, but there are some ramps, loungers and wedges that can help you feel comfortable in certain positions. They are pretty pricey, but these things might just give you a bit of inspiration of how you can use things you already have in your home. I've heard of hoists, frames and bathlifts all being used for sex in different rooms and positions, so when you feel comfortable to do so, give it a go!
Emily x
I've always been amazed at how some people react to disability and the stuff we sometimes need. I've always used it as an addition to sexiness, but have had people react strangely. Personally I just dumped them post haste, as no one tells me I am less due to my impairment. Not sure that is the right route for you Lisa, but I would tell your partner just how much his reaction has hurt you. You need this stuff and if he needs you, so does he! If nothing else this stuff can add to sex, and until he tries it he shouldn't knock it!