I want to try sex!

teamonkey

was badly abused as a child - feel ashamed dreadfully ashamed. In my 40’s, thinking I might die before experiencing what its like to be with someone I like. Maybe a prostitute/sex therapist just to end the paranoia and break the inhibitions to nakedness. I’ve placed maybe too much importance on purity of encounter rather than I just NEED to be with someone, lately I have started to notice women and they’re wonderful but I’m autistic/aspergers type idiot and have terrible communication skills, panic and I don’t want to bring anyone down - feeling suicidal since I was 10 or 11 years old. HELP!!

Sam_Alumni

Hi @teamonkey
Welcome to the community, 

You are a member of our community and we appreciate you. If you are having thoughts of suicide, it is important that you discuss them with someone who is qualified to help. Please call the Samaritans on 116 123 (free) or email them at jo@samaritans.org. You can also speak to the Samaritans about the abuse you went through as a child.

If you feel that you may be an immediate danger to yourself, please call 999 or go to your local hospital right away.

Do you have anyone you can talk to about your feelings? I hope @PSHEexpert will be able to offer you a bit more support

PSHEexpert

Hi @teamonkey - I'm so sorry you're going through this! You're definitely not an idiot for these kinds of feelings or concerns.  They're tricky enough as it is, but the communication issues that autism can affect can make it all feel more complicated! (@VioletFenn, @Jack_W, are you able to chip in too?)

For my part, although you identify that it is specifically sex that you want to experience, I feel very strongly that talking about your feelings about your body and sex is more important to start with (although I understand you are frustrated) - have you ever been able to talk about what happened for you as a child with someone professionally, and address the issues you've described?  I know that you say that your communication skills aren't always great, but that would be worked around in a talking therapy setting and addressing the emotional side of it all before engaging in any physical/body stuff is really important.  

With regards your original post, maybe paying for services might be an option, although you could consider looking at a sexual surrogate who could do a piece of ongoing therapeutic and educational work with you, rather than paying for a one off session.  From what you say about your feelings about shame and your body, and your traumatic history, it sounds as though a situation where you can really talk through and explore things would be most positive and supportive for you.  

I know this must be a difficult subject to address and talk about.  It's complicated at the best of times, so I just wanted to say how courageous it is to ask for help. Thank you for trusting us.  We are here and listening, and will try and help wherever we can.  

Gill

teamonkey

Paying for what I view as an emotional experience (sex) seems to degrade everything but then i’ve not experienced that level of closeness so perhaps for most people it is more function/release than emotional togetherness and relationship building. I want to be safe enough to be naked and tactile with someone who feels the same about me.  You are right though body shame is an issue but shame has an external source in society and is therefore a very real diminishment of person.
Talking about the real issues causing body shame that leads to profound emotional disruption is perhaps too much to overcome. You are right paying for a one off session even if fantastic would still leave me with the persistence of self shame and not resolve things.  Society deems some people as unacceptable just by their physical existence/disability, they used to be in-valid. The same feelings exist in society today and are visceral which is unfortunate and rather does show the predominance of emotional reaction over coherent thought in an age of technological revolution that could change everything for everyone - tech should be freedom and inclusivity if done well.

ps. I went to the police about the worst of the abuse and they are covering it up. Sexual torture in a hospital when I was a child that left me suicidal. I tried therapy but my neighbours listen in to my telephone conversations - it gets much worse than that to be clear.

Markmywords

Take a look at The Outsiders Trust @teamonkey. It offers links to a variety of services from therapy to *ahem* practitioners. It might be useful.

It may be that you have created an ideal of "how it's meant to be" in your mind that may not be attainable. Very few people actually in a relationship would say theirs is perfect and "how it's meant to be" anyway.

"Paying for it" is a cultural taboo that is rarely like the sleazy kerb crawling that the media likes to present. Being taboo it will carry lots of very negative judgements. It should not be considered lightly or without research.

A person cannot change society, they can only change how they deal with it.

wavedancer

Hi teamonkey, I've only just read your post while trying to pluck up courage to post something about my own problems. I hate to see you describe yourself as an autistic asberger type idiot! I have a friend with asburgers and one with tourettes. Once they explained the way it affected them and we understood what was going on they integrated into our group of friends really well. My friend with asburgers found it harder to explain how it impacted his life but he carries a notebook with him that has a good explanation and he shows people if he's unable to explain.

They were both sexually inexperienced. They both  paid for sex with women in a massage type of establishment. They overcame their lack of experience, got used to being naked in front of someone, found out more about how to give women pleasure and both said it gave them confidence when they went on to develop meaningful relationships.

Before they told me about these visits I'd always presumed those sort of places a bit seedy and used by 'dirty old men'.Talk about stereotypical assumptions!  I guess my friends were looking for practical experience rather than a relationship with emotional ties. 

I too have been sexually abused. It started when I was 3 and ended when I was able to escape home at 18. It's had a profound impact on me. I live with post traumatic stress disorder, multiple personality disorder and I've got neurological  problems that mean I'm confined to a wheelchair. My life is never boring!  I'd burried my abuse memories deep inside and it wasn't until I was raped in 1998 then my life was turned inside out and upside down as the abuse  memories started to flood back. I didn't go to the police because by then my abuser had passed away.

I hope you can work out a path forward to having sex. Let us know how you get on it you're still reading messages!

Best Wishes, wavedancer