How Do I Let My Friends Know That Sometimes I need Help Too? — Scope | Disability forum
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How Do I Let My Friends Know That Sometimes I need Help Too?

Teddybear12
Teddybear12 Member Posts: 782 Pioneering
I am always there for my friends, even during the pandemic. However, recently I have found they are not really there for me. None of them asks how I am, even after I have shared something that has upset me. Sometimes I need a little care, a hug, a little backup, or something to lift me up to. I do not hate being that person for them, but I do hate myself when I am trying to lift a friend in need when I have not dealt with something of my own. I sometimes think the shell I built after my daughters death is so effective, people think I am fine. 

Comments

  • janer1967
    janer1967 Member Posts: 12,375 Disability Gamechanger
    Sometimes I think it isn't a matter of them not wanting to be there for you but more likely they don't know what to say or do 

    Especially when you are dealing with bereavement 

    You may need to tell them what support you are looking for from them 
    I have professional experience in HR within public,  private, and charity sectors.  If I can't help I will
  • Teddybear12
    Teddybear12 Member Posts: 782 Pioneering
  • Ross_Scope
    Ross_Scope Posts: 5,005

    Scope community team

    Hi @Teddybear12

    As above, sometimes people just may not know that you need support, especially if you are communicating remotely through online platforms. It might be worth honestly asking them if it's clear to them when you perhaps might be struggling with something, and what way they would feel most comfortable helping you. For example, some of them might prefer just giving a hug, and others may prefer talking things over or just trying to have fun to distract you from what is going on. 
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  • Teddybear12
    Teddybear12 Member Posts: 782 Pioneering
    Hi @Ross_Scope Thank you, I do know that sometimes they do not know what to say. 
  • jackyslade
    jackyslade Member Posts: 12 Listener
    I I think it’s a British thing, I don’t know why we do it but when people ask if you’re ok you say “ I’m fine “ it really bugs me coz I want to say I need a cuddle but the old British stiff upper lip comes in to play and I say “ I’m Fine “ ggggrrrrrrr 
  • leeCal
    leeCal Member Posts: 4,257 Disability Gamechanger
    I think if you need help sometimes you should just say so, simple. 🙂

    you can be sure if at least moral support here anyway.
  • jackyslade
    jackyslade Member Posts: 12 Listener
    Lee I wish I could but it’s not that simple I am trying to but at 70 I’m finding it hard to say I need help 😟😟
  • iza
    iza Member Posts: 484 Pioneering
    Hi, I feel sometimes that some people get more stranger with each day. Sometimes I ask does normal people still exist? Maybe is time to become for you @Teddybear12 to be a bit selfish and first consider yourself before anyone else. 
  • iza
    iza Member Posts: 484 Pioneering
    @jackyslade, in my country of origin people are very honest when you asked them how are you? , what is going on? They simply tell the true. When I meet people here and ask how are you when I here the answer: I am fine it sounds to me : 1) perhaps they are really fine and have a life like in the heaven, 2) they just do not have time to talk a lot because short in time, 3) they are so close inside them that nothing and nobody can get throughout the shell they lock themselves in, 4) Gosh, why I am the only one who has such a complicated life , why I am the only one who face troubles ... I assume this is what is in heads of most European people who hear British answer : I am fine, thanks for asking 😀
  • leeCal
    leeCal Member Posts: 4,257 Disability Gamechanger
    Years ago @iza we were taught never to complain if we had some problem, worry or illness. Perhaps this has come down through the generations to youngsters now too, 

    we were also taught to be modest and so if anyone asked if you could do something well you were taught to say “no not really.” Even though you might be brilliant at it. 
  • jackyslade
    jackyslade Member Posts: 12 Listener
    Exactly Lee I was told if I cried they would give me something to cry about, now days Hopefully we’ve got to teach our kids it’s okay to cry and Not to put abuse into the cupboard like me which has screwed me up in later years but little steps we can say I need a cuddle without being embarrassed xx
  • iza
    iza Member Posts: 484 Pioneering
    Hi @leeCal, who taught people like that before than? It simply make them  probably less connected with each others.
  • leeCal
    leeCal Member Posts: 4,257 Disability Gamechanger
    Hi @iza, my parents were taught by their parents and grandparents before them. It’s been this way for many generations unfortunately. I agree it definitely makes them less connected with others and leads to a feeling of isolation, of being alone. 

    Things are changing slowly for the better. 🙂
  • idontlikeliving
    idontlikeliving Member Posts: 119 Courageous
    Even if someone does not know what to say or do. A text msg can make someone’s day. Even if it just says, hi or thinking of you. 
  • idontlikeliving
    idontlikeliving Member Posts: 119 Courageous
    You sound so much like me, care for others but when you need that crutch. No one is to be seen. I only had my sister and she no longer speaks to me. Because I called her up on how selfish she is. Says a lot about that person. I never bother with anyone who was like that with me. Sooner be a loner 
  • Sandy_123
    Sandy_123 Member Posts: 2,021 Pioneering
    @Teddybear12 sometimes the person who is always there, seems to be the stronger person. So gets left out. We all need a little pick me up in life, someone accasionally to say ...yeah your doing great...someone to lean on accasionally. Maybe you  should start telling the people you want that support from that you need it, you may find they'd be greatful to help. 
    We are all very good at hiding our true feelings from freinds and family. 
    I'm sorry to read about you losing your daughter, a hard time for you. 
    We are always here to talk to or type at lol. 
  • Teddybear12
    Teddybear12 Member Posts: 782 Pioneering
    edited September 16

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