If You’re Unable To Find A Sexual Partner, Do You Rely on Masturbation? — Scope | Disability forum
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If You’re Unable To Find A Sexual Partner, Do You Rely on Masturbation?

jl151080
jl151080 Member Posts: 10 Listener
Hi all, 

This is something I struggle with. As a 41 year old male with cerebral palsy who has never been in a relationship or had sex, masturbating on a daily basis is my only form of sexual release. 

I constantly find myself attracted to women who are not interested in me. Whether cerebral palsy is the main reason I don’t know, but I assume so. 

The latest, 14 years younger than me, is someone I feel a real connection to and have a great friendship with, so we have had some honest conversations about sex. I have told her I fantasise about her and the orgasms I have are far more intense when thinking about her. Her response was interesting. She said “just because you have that with me you shouldn’t assume you won’t find that with someone else”. 

I have been told by friends in the past I should use an escort just to experience sex, but the thought is a turn off compared to having sex with someone I am physically and emotionally attracted to. 

I’m tired of relying on my hand but I can’t see anything changing. 

Anyone else in a similar situation?
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Comments

  • Leo_Aces
    Leo_Aces Community Volunteer Adviser Posts: 34 Connected
    Hello @jl151080, many people with disabilities or not choose to work with escorts. Personally I think it can be a healthy and empowerment option to be able to connect with another human and to achieve some physical release. I understand what you say about the idea being a potential turn off due to a lack of physical and emotional connection. However perhaps you could potentially think of the encounter as being similar to a therapy which would improve your physical and mental well-being.

    ♠️Community Volunteer Adviser♠️

    I’m a Diversity and Motivational Speaker and Life Coach.

    I have professional knowledge  of Gender Identity & Sexuality 

  • jl151080
    jl151080 Member Posts: 10 Listener
    Leo_Aces said:
    Hello @jl151080, many people with disabilities or not choose to work with escorts. Personally I think it can be a healthy and empowerment option to be able to connect with another human and to achieve some physical release. I understand what you say about the idea being a potential turn off due to a lack of physical and emotional connection. However perhaps you could potentially think of the encounter as being similar to a therapy which would improve your physical and mental well-being.

    Thanks. That's an interesting perspective. I just wish I could have a sexual experience with someone I am emotionally connected to rather than it being purely physical, but you make an interesting point. 
  • Tori_Scope
    Tori_Scope Posts: 8,195

    Scope community team

    Hi @jl151080 :) I can see you've already entered into an interesting conversation with @Leo_Aces, which is great! I'm also going to tag @Richard_Scope into this conversation, as he may have some additional advice, support, or insight to offer. 

    Do you mind me asking whether you're actively dating at the moment? By which I mean putting yourself out there and meeting new people with the intention of dating?

    You're not the first person we've had post about this by any means, so you're certainly not alone in feeling this way. 
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  • Leo_Aces
    Leo_Aces Community Volunteer Adviser Posts: 34 Connected
    jl151080 said:Thanks. That's an interesting perspective. I just wish I could have a sexual experience with someone I am emotionally connected to rather than it being purely physical, but you make an interesting point. 
    @jl151080 you might find this article useful: https://www.out.com/lifestyle/2016/2/09/price-intimacy-time-i-hired-sex-worker?amp

    Written by disability activist Andrew Gurza about his experience working with a sex worker 

    ♠️Community Volunteer Adviser♠️

    I’m a Diversity and Motivational Speaker and Life Coach.

    I have professional knowledge  of Gender Identity & Sexuality 

  • jl151080
    jl151080 Member Posts: 10 Listener
    Hi @jl151080 :) I can see you've already entered into an interesting conversation with @Leo_Aces, which is great! I'm also going to tag @Richard_Scope into this conversation, as he may have some additional advice, support, or insight to offer. 

    Do you mind me asking whether you're actively dating at the moment? By which I mean putting yourself out there and meeting new people with the intention of dating?

    You're not the first person we've had post about this by any means, so you're certainly not alone in feeling this way. 
    I’m trying to get myself out there but I don’t find it easy. 

    I’ve tried tinder and bumble but no success there. 

    I’ve been trying to put myself into activities where i may meet people. For example, last week I took part in a pub quiz and a few months back I took a course in learning tarot. 

    However, I find it’s like searching for a needle in a haystack. 

    Even if I just wanted to find someone for no strings sex, I don’t know how people do it. It probably doesn’t help that I don’t drink and I don’t enjoy pubs and clubs, and my feeling is the disability May also put people off. 

    It is heartening, at least, to know other people with cerebral palsy have managed to find someone sexually attracted to them.
  • jl151080
    jl151080 Member Posts: 10 Listener
    Are there any groups where disabled people can meet and discuss their experiences and struggles with sex together?
  • Leo_Aces
    Leo_Aces Community Volunteer Adviser Posts: 34 Connected
    I’m trying to get myself out there but I don’t find it easy. 

    @jl151080 It can feel very daunting when we want to step outside our comfort zone and try to get out and be social. 
    I would suggest small steps and acknowledge when you achieved them. For example perhaps going to your local pub or coffee shop and spend time around different people. 


    I’ve tried tinder and bumble but no success there. 

    @jl151080 Have you tried Taimi? I've personally found this a more diverse dating app. People of all sexualities and gender identities use it. It is quite inclusive. 

    I’ve been trying to put myself into activities where i may meet people. For example, last week I took part in a pub quiz and a few months back I took a course in learning tarot. 

    @jl151080 That's really great that you have been trying new activities! (See you're already at the pub)! I'm think the real key is, just being around people more. 

    However, I find it’s like searching for a needle in a haystack. 

    Even if I just wanted to find someone for no strings sex, I don’t know how people do it. It probably doesn’t help that I don’t drink and I don’t enjoy pubs and clubs, and my feeling is the disability May also put people off. 

    @jl151080 I suppose there are specific hook up site to try. I do empathise about clubs… accessibility can be tough. Noisy, dark, busy, tight etc. However there are many other places to meet people 

    It is heartening, at least, to know other people with cerebral palsy have managed to find someone sexually attracted to them.


    @jl151080 love will find you when you least except it ☺️

    ♠️Community Volunteer Adviser♠️

    I’m a Diversity and Motivational Speaker and Life Coach.

    I have professional knowledge  of Gender Identity & Sexuality 

  • JustPete
    JustPete Community Volunteer Adviser, Community Co-Production Group Posts: 155 Pioneering
    This is a really interesting thread.  I thought I was going to offer advice to you @jl151080 but instead see that @Leo_Aces has offered you alot.  I hope you got to read the article he referred to.

    However, as I am here I just want to say that it can be difficult for us to meet and build relationships with people we are/want to be attracted to.  I think as we get older this can get more difficult.  It does not mean we should stop trying.

    There is another angle to this: I always believe in setting high expectations and truly believe you should continue to strive for the relationship you desire on an emotional/sexual level.  However, in that pursuit do not overlook the non-sexual relationships you already have made.

    I will not repeat the excellent comments/advice you have been given/exchanged with @Leo_Aces
    I am a Scope Volunteer.   Community Volunteer Adviser with professional knowledge of life - additionally, but not limited to: living with a disability, employing personal assistants, education, sexuality, being gay, managing relationships having a disability, technology and assistive technology, sport & leisure inclusion & participation, mental health issues (both through personal experience and supporting others),   If I can't help, I will endeavour to find somebody who can.

    "You are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, smarter than you think and loved more than you'll ever know." - Winnie The Pooh

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