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Where do I stand with grandparents?

redroses91

Hi
I don’t know where to post this.

So my daughter is staying with her dads family for the week as she does in the holidays as they live in another city. My daughters dad died 8 years ago.

My daughter rang me this week and said she wanted to come home because grandparents take it to far with banter and my daughter has adhd and possibly autism. I’ve said to my daughter they’re not being nasty it’s just how they are and then they were in the background and I kind of just have to say “oh she’s just tired, oh it’s just her age” etc.. and I feel awful because this is not the first time she has said it. She has been quite grown up about it actually and said she’s going to see how it is this time and if she’s uncomfortable she’s not going to go. I just don’t know how to approach this? I want to advocate for my daughter but at the same time don’t want to be horrible to them? I’m not good with confrontation lol

Also her nan has been saying things like “ham is bad for you”, “sweetener gives you cancer”, that my daughter has spots because of gluten (diagnosed acne). She has brought her back very hungover with her partner (who was fine) but a part of me was very concerned with this but I just felt I couldn’t say anything. People say I’m meant to be my daughters mum and follow my gut but I just never felt I’ve been able to because I don’t want to be horrible to them and bite my tongue but I don’t think I can anymore. Her nan doesn’t believe my daughters diagnoses of adhd and never asks about how she is in school, how her appointments go and I just wish she took the time to understand what I deal with on a daily basis. She said my daughters fine when she’s at there’s but I don’t know. I keep quiet so my daughter can see her family snd I don’t want to cause anything but it’s just getting tiring Ngl.

There’s a lot more that’s happened but that’s the gist of it.

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Comments

Alex_Alumni

Hello @redroses91 thanks for reaching out, where you've posted is just fine

Can I ask how old your daughter is, just so that I understand fully?

It can be hard managing any confrontation within a family unit, especially when lots of different emotions are at play. It's clear you don't want to upset anyone, but you feel you're not being heard or understood, particularly by the older members of the family, is that right?

I think can be wearing when there's pressure to fix or calm things down, but it does sound positive that your daughter wants to make her own decision about visiting them in future, how do you feel about that?

redroses91

Hi @Alex_Scope my daughter is going to be ten next month.

I just am not happy about a few things when it comes to her nans behaviour as I don’t think it’s healthy for my daughter to be around examples as I’ve listed in my first post but as I said I don’t want to cause anything so I will never stop them from seeing her and feel grateful they do see her I’m just tired of biting my tongue with it all.

I feel good for my daughter making her own choices, I think it’s very grown up of her.

Hannah_Alumni

Hello @redroses91

It's always hard navigating family and not wanting to rock the boat so to speak but like Alex said, is that right if you are not being heard? It's great that you feel so positive about your daughter making her own choices

From personal experience, there are a few things you could try, like getting the grandparents involved in appointments if you think they would benefit from that. If your daughter does feel upset by it all, maybe it needs to be her to voice that to her grandparents?

It may be a situation to be blunt, which can be hard when you don't like confrontation. But, your daughter is 10 and soon enough, she'll want to do more things with her friends, have more independence and may even have more time taken up by after school activities. If she is ringing and saying she wants to come home, will she then not want to invite her grandparents into aspects of her life as she grows up? Will she see visiting them almost like a requirement than because she has a loving relationship with them?

redroses91

Hi @Hannah_Scope
it’s not right I just have kept quiet for several years and have just let it build up. Party because I have autism and not very good at communicating my feelings.

I would love to get the grandparents involved with appointments but they live quite far away and we don’t really have many appointments it’s probably 3 max a year with her pead. Her nan has said she doesn’t believe she has her diagnoses and has said me and my parents “just give into her”. When we give her adhd tablets to take with her she has snatched the packet from us and shoved it in her pocket and I get the feeling she wants to say something but doesn’t. Idk.

My daughter comes home tomorrow so I will see how she is. She hasn’t rang since she did that night so I’m hoping she’s had a nice time. I kinda felt awful because maybe she now thinks she can’t turn to me but I didn’t want to overreact also. It’s such a tricky situation.

If she doesn’t want to go in future I won’t make her go because Im not going to force her into a situation she doesn’t want to be in. but will advise her to speak to her grandparents on why she feels that way and go from there.

Alex_Alumni

That sounds good @redroses91 I appreciate it's a tricky situation, and I'm sorry your daughter's nan appears to have so much doubt around the diagnosis.

I don't want to assume, but perhaps her nan is just afraid or worried, and doesn't fully understand what living with ADHD and Autism is like. It can be difficult to talk about things if someone is already feeling closed off, but talking about them and 'normalising' disability is one way of changing how we view it.

I hope your daughter is feeling okay, and is happy to be back at home today

redroses91

Hi @Alex_Scope I don’t know what it is. She couldn’t really accept her son had a diagnoses of high functioning autism and this was from letters I read from when he was younger so didn’t get the full support he needed.

My daughter was fine after that episode and it fizzled off, she had a good time so I’m just going to see how she is the next time they have her.

Alex_Alumni

I see @redroses91 sounds best to see how things go as you say, glad to hear your daughter had a good time