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I'm Not Ashamed

JD_INCINERATOR

I feel as though many people are guarded as to their true feelings, and I reckon this is a barrier to progress. I believe in authenticity, and I can say that authentically I get quite upset when I see things that remind me of the innocence of childhood, such as teddy bears and stuff and stuff that is directly associated with childhood happiness and joy. I think I get upset because I believe I am at least partially responsible for my younger brother losing his joy and happiness. It's a long story talking about your relationship with your younger sibling, but I don't mind talking about it here.

Me and my brother used to get along very well and had a really close bond. We're two years apart in age, and I feel as though we did a lot together and got on well. However, I'd randomly and violently lash out at him, and considering we were in our single digits, this hurt has grown in time and has ultimately resulted in him not wanting anything to do with me.

I was told that people with my medical condition Hydrocephalus are prone to lashing out randomly at a young age, but I don't know how true that is and I imagine results vary like most things do in life.

I've also felt strongly about children in hospital. I don't have children in my life, but I my mind tends to veer towards the thought of the immense hardship of having a child in hospital. I was a child in and out of hospital when I was a boy, so maybe this sentiment has reverberated in time.

I can't help but feel stuck because I want to help those who need it and I don't know what I can do. It's the same regarding trying to get noticed and promoting my written work. I know social media can help, but it can be tough to know the right channels to promote work.

Anyway these are my thoughts. I would love any response from anyone about this.

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figraspberry41

#@JD-Incinerator,

May I ask if you have other disabilities than Hydrocephalus? My knowledge of this condition is limited but I have some Nursing experience of the problems this condition causes and therefore the potential impact it has on any family.

I am not a psychologist or psychiatrist but having worked in an environment where children were in and out of Hospital you observe behaviours that affect family and others close to the person with the condition. Often children were 'spoiled' for want of a better descriptive, because they were unwell and having to spend quite a lot of time in Hospital. I suspect this then leads to an 'over compensation' when siblings come along but do not require the same (unintended) attention that needs a lot of medical intervention. I am unable to explain this in medical terms, however, I have witnessed 'family' tensions due to the extra need for medical intervention. (Many years ago, I worked in a Children's Hospital and saw the difficulties that presented. These days, there is probably (with a lot more medical insight) different ways to 'manage' families experiencing these difficulties.

It is a shame that your brother has taken the stance he has but whilst you were behaving as you did ("lashing out") at him, as a child he would not understand why that might happen, causing a long resentment over the years that neither of you know how to 'fix'.

You said that your brother has nothing to do with you but have you tried communicating with him and attempted to address these issues? Unfortunately, I have no advise to give to you in how you may be able to 'bridge' the gap between you. I can sympathise with your situation though to a degree because I have seen how difficult it is for families to come together in situations like this where trying to manage a child's medical condition other members can feel 'abandoned' and that is very challenging to cope with.

I hope someone is able to offer you some advise, all I can do is let you know that you are not alone in trying to understand why families grow apart.

JD_INCINERATOR

To answer your question, I likely have autism or Asperger's but haven't had a formal diagnosis. I understand children can become really spoilt because the parents focus on the child in hospital more than their other children. I believe this was a huge problem when I was a kid because my younger brother felt left out a lot and I think he believes there was heavy favouritism towards me. It does seem like this, but when you have a child in hospital it's really difficult not to lavish them with extra attention because they are suffering and their predicament is uncertain.

I think that my brother has a lot of innermost pain he won't deal with in helpful ways. I think if we had a rational discussion now we could work it all out, but as far as I'm aware his perspective of me is stuck in the deep past because we haven't spoken properly in years. Trying to communicate with him isn't easy because all the problems we had has seemingly smothered his perspective of me and any chance that we can work it out. I'm always happy to talk and mend fences, but the way he sees things is very skewed and shows he isn't ready to let the suffering go. Weird thing is, he's successful in his field and I think he manages things in his line of work, yet no matter how responsible he is in his job, he won't responsibly deal with things like a man and settle our problems for good. It's not just the feelings of abandonment, but it is how we as a family treated him that we pretty much forced him out. Even me, I feel like I am at fault because my behaviour triggered years of fighting between us. I don't want to put blame on my parents for anything because they work/worked so hard for us and they treated us kindly, yet they haven't taught us to take responsibility and they did everything for us so we hadn't the need to. Problem is the environment makes us blobs who don't do much, where they carry the load-and they still do in their 60s!

I am not alone, but I do feel like I am when it comes to getting what I feel would help me evolve. Doing stand-up comedy and writing for a bunch of websites is nice, yet not having a paid job, a girlfriend, nor guidance towards something greater has held me back. However, I am responsible for controlling things and making things happen, I just gotta put my ability into practice in ways that can give me what I want. I don't really want to be stressed which is why I try to do what I love as much as I can, but I gotta get my elbows out to make an impact.

Littlefatfriend

Thanks for sharing JD_Incinerator,

Many people (including me) are "guarded" about sharing what they feel. In my opinion my feelings are solely my responsibility. I'm the only person who experiences them and also I have far more capacity to influence them than anyone else.

I'm conscious however that I have a few friends and a couple of relatives with whom I can (and do) discuss literally anything. As they may (and do) with me. Sharing is very often an exceptionally healthy thing to do. Particularly if we are sure that we won't be judged. That we're just exploring together. It's often also been constructive for me to learn what/how other people might think in situations I've been in, and how they imagine they might have reacted. We're complicated creatures and none of us the same! Obviously, they would only be imagining the situation, which is always different to experiencing them.

Occasionally I find myself becoming teary-eyed at things which remind me of my youth. Most often music/movies. That's in part because I'm remembering the sometimes overwhelming floods of emotion which we all sometimes experience as children. An intensity of feeling that life, experience, and understanding things can chip away at.

Families are frequently complicated. Children are developing together as humans, learning both whom and how to be. There are few other situations where we spend so much time with the same people, some of whom have authority over us and caring responsibilities for us. The bond my sister and I share is very close, and precisely because of that we know exactly how we could irritate/upset each other! A pair of male twins I went to school (and knocked about) with are intensely competitive. In my experience siblings of the same gender quite often find themselves in conflict. We're also competitive creatures!

The link below (Hydrocephalus Scotland - Knowing how to behave) is to an explanation of how and why the pressure of hydrocephalus frequently causes children to misbehave and/or lash out. Crucially they're behaving impulsively, which is a very common aspect of the condition amongst children. It isn't random, it's a consequence of and reaction to the pressure in their/your head. Seen from that perspective, I think it's very understandable. It's most likely your brother will (accidentally) have made things worse if he reacted to your behaviour. This unfortunately is exactly what people (particularly closely aged siblings of the same gender) are like!

It's very positive that you appear to have accommodated yourself to your condition. I don't doubt that's sometimes been a struggle. But again that's just how life sometimes is...

There may be opportunity for you to repair your relationship with your brother, but I'd have to speak to both of you in order to suggest anything other than that time is a great healer. I'm not volunteering (travel would be complicated!) but if your brother might consider it I'd encourage both of you to speak to an intermediary. Someone who may help you both reconsider your positions without your emotions. That can work wonders if done carefully. It may be worth your asking a mental health professional if such a service could be available to you.

The second link below (Online mediation services) is to a free online mediation service for people in the UK. Others are available, and one may pay for them. I have no experience of them, but it may at least be worth asking if they may help.

Hospitals in my experience are vastly more human-centered than they used to be. This should make care for the mental health of children a priority. The spinal injuries units I've spent Xmas in (1990 and 2019 and '20) made a splendid day of it! The staff did an excellent job of lifting the moods of the patients.

It can be nice to help other people, however we're all very limited as to what we may do. People are often also unwilling or unready to be helped. The world is full of helpful people, helping others. That comforts me.

I've enjoyed writing in the past (please pardon me if I'm waffling on!). Have you tried publishing online just to see if anyone might be interested and to learn more about what people like? The third link below (local groups - the society of authors) is a good place to start. Run by amateur members for amateur members... Others are also available. I'm sure you're aware that writing is a very competitive field, and AI and the interweb are in the process of completely changing publishing. I hope you enjoy it for it's own sake. Being creative is often good for us.

Thanks again, there's my response.

Good luck

https://www.hydrocephalusscotland.org.uk/content/knowing-how-to-behave/

https://directmediationservices.co.uk/online-mediation/

https://societyofauthors.org/groups/local-groups/

66Mustang

@JD_INCINERATOR

This is interesting, thanks for writing. You seem like a good and interesting person from your posts on here, and I enjoy reading your contributions… 👍

One of my traumas that led to my diagnoses came from my brother. I like to try to understand what he went through, and why he did the things he did. Sometimes I even compare my problems to his, just we deal with them very differently.

I don't know what you mean by "get noticed" but that's something I used to struggle with as it affected my self-worth. I tend to be more of a complex thinker and come up with obscure theories and create strange tangents from which to look at things. I struggle to give the routine responses – things that for me just go without saying.

Often, this means the ideas I contribute get less attention, because most people can identify with the more everyday responses. This made me wonder if I should stop making an effort. Over time I realised I prefer interacting with one person who I can have a deep chat with, rather than have surface interactions with 20 people.

JD_INCINERATOR

Thanks for your response and kind words.

I reckon that maybe the way your brother dealt with them mirrors the way one of your parents dealt with these kinds of situations.

When I say "get noticed" I mean that I feel as though I am not spreading my work around enough, like I'm not sure of the best ways to promote my work. I know social media is handy, but I know that groups on social media may take down my work because it infringes on community guidelines.

I am a member of Andy's Man Club, and I am able to express deep thoughts around a sizable group of people. I don't really have that one person who is part of my life and who I can talk to and confide in about everything, but living with my family does give me that chance to talk about what is on my mind.

66Mustang

@JD_INCINERATOR

My parents were both very laid back, interestingly! What I think is my (younger) brother saw how I got treated at school and decided not to let it happen to him. So he started taking steroids and testosterone (aged 13) and sadly but unsurprisingly it made him extremely aggressive and he then dealt with any problem, or really just any person he didn't agree with, with force

I've heard of Andy's Man Club, is it nationwide? I'd be interested to see your work if you ever wanted to share it!

Jane315STARX

@JD_INCINERATOR I think you are fantastic at verbalising your thoughts and emotions and this comes across well in print.I think that it would might be an idea to write him him a letter detailing your thoughts,feelings,and what you hope for.Anything you feel you need to say that you haven't said before so he can hold it in his hand and read it,and re read it.Soak it in and absorb everything you say.The words will have to mean something because they are coming from you and they will evoke some emotions.He may want to say things to you also and you both might not agree on eachothers perspectives of past situations.But as men now it would be nice to have eachother even to put any bad feeling in the past and in a letter it gives you the opportunity to draft it Exactly how you want it before you post the final.Hope this is some help x

Jane315STARX

Then from this a conversation could be had but perhaps start from there

JD_INCINERATOR

https://forum.scope.org.uk/discussion/comment/1088545#Comment_1088545

I do think the idea of writing a letter is great, but I don't think he'll read it. He's got a lot of unresolved issues but I don't think his mentality has changed, so I reckon there's not a lot I can do about it.

Thank you for you kind words and your suggestions x

Jane315STARX

I think natural human instinct is to be curious.For example,the letter will arrive and he may or may not recognise your handwriting based on how its changed over the years.So if he hasnt then he will open it presumably based on your comment.But either way I think it may help you release your thoughts and know that at a stage in your life you made that move.Then you have that letter as a place in your mind to look back to,to take strength from if you dont get any reaction at all.Speaking for myself I know I would always wonder what if?.But obviously you know yourself better than anyone else and its only a suggestion

JD_INCINERATOR

https://forum.scope.org.uk/discussion/comment/1088628#Comment_1088628

I appreciate that a letter would be a great way to express feelings. However, on top of knowing myself better than anyone else, I also know my brother and I know he's a good person, but when it comes to this environment I live in and my behaviour towards him, that's wrecked his view of me, though I think he doesn't understand why things are like they are here, nor does he care.