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We want to hear from you: please tell us about your experience of the online community.

PTSD

male45

I've started this discussion for anyone who suffers from PTSD ONLY.
Would you care to share your experience of PTSD and maybe share how your PTSD began?

I'll begin

I am a PTSD sufferer. I say sufferer because I am still experiencing PTSD and not a survivor of it.
Others may argue that I am a survivor but in my mind I do not feel I am.
I was diagnosed with it along with other illnesses after I left work. I had no choice to leave i was paid off on recommendation of the firms doctor.
Over time mightmares began and wakening up in cold sweats, some nights screaming and punching out. I slept on a single bed after that for awhile before returning to my own bed, I didnt want to accidently punch my wife..
I had counselling and thought that isnit all over and done with..But i was wrong. A few weeks went by and the nightmares began. Over and over and over.
It was recommended I should go to a special organisation that helps with people who have been injured physically or physcologicaly in The Troubles.
It was good to be around others who either lost a loved one or were injured in some way also.
I would attend once weekly for over a year. And after that they would keep in touch and I was always welcome to go back anytime.
Nightmares stopped but only for a short time and since then they have returned worse than before. I'm remembering more and more almost daily.
Sometimes they are so severe i don't want to go to sleep at all..
I sit up on bed just listening to the world go by outside then the silence and darkness. Then I waken with the visions and cold sweats and have to get out of bed and sit on a chair in living room.
My cat will come sit on my knee grooming my hand then himself and fall asleep with his head on my hand. This helps me relax and before I know it, it is morning and I'm exhausted.
This is how I live daily.
I truly believe no one can understand what sufferers of PTSD go through unless they have PTSD or experienced it in their lifetime.
Counselling is fine but very regimental with the same phrasing of questions or comments. Eg "how did that make you feel"

So thats me with PTSD

I've heard all the supportive phrases and comments before from counselling and support lines and even joined one of those organisations and have been trained to help others and undertook extra training amd counselling courses and mental health first aid to name but a few degrees and certs I have.
But yet my nightmares continue. I guess I dont want to let go of them who knows.
I have helped hundreds maybe a thousand people I've lost count but can't help myself.
Someone might ask me ...how I feel about typing about it or talking about it and so on...im OK to type or talk about it as you can see.

So now whoever reads this and has PTSD would you care to share?

Best wishes.

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RAwarrior

@male45

Firstly I would like to say how really sorry I am to hear about what you are going through because of your PTSD.

Secondly I would like to thank you for starting this thread. I think it’s a really important subject which a lot of people just don’t understand?

I also have PTSD which I got as a direct result of being bullied and harassed at work for several years with nothing being done to stop it.

I have posted about this in a Workplace Bullying thread which I started, in Room 101 and in a Squirrels and Friends thread which I started.

I recognise some of the symptoms that you have and I have come across many people who do not understand what it is like to have PTSD?.

You have asked for people to share their experience and I feel safe in doing so in this supportive online community without fear of my employer finding out.

I will be repeating some of what I have already posted in other threads however, I need to explain why I have PTSD otherwise it might not make any sense.

I was bullied and harassed by one person at work for several years and although the person is not at my workplace he is based at another location. I live in fear of seeing him again.?

I have vivid nightmares and flashbacks. I ruminate over what happened to me and I see people when I am out who look like the bully.

If you haven’t read my posts in Squirrels and Friends you might wonder why I have mentioned PTSD under that thread.

I started that thread because I love wildlife especially squirrels and spending time interacting with wildlife acts like a form of therapy for me.

However, two days ago I was verbally abused by a complete stranger when I was feeding the squirrels

(please see Room 101 for further details). However, I can tell you that not only was I really shaken up but guess what? It triggered my PTSD?

Although the stranger and the workplace bully are not connected, the fact that I was on my own when it happened so I felt scared, alone and isolated made me think about what happened in work because despite being surrounded by lots of “colleagues and managers” I also felt scared, alone and isolated.

I thought why me? Why do some people think it’s okay to pick on me? I thought that I might as well put a sign on my head asking people to target me?

Many people don’t realise that long term bullying and harassment does have long term implications.

I already have Rheumatoid and Osteoarthritis.

Rheumatoid Arthritis is a very serious disease and I already had enough to deal with when the bully chose me as an easy target because bullying is a choice.

I am not trying to turn this thread into one about workplace bullying but in my case it is the cause of my PTSD.

I appreciate that many people suffer from PTSD as a result of different things that have happened to them in their lives but in my case it was as a direct result of workplace bullying.

On a more positive note, it’s great that you have helped so many people.

I am not trying to patronise you but I am really sorry it has been difficult for you to help yourself.

I had counselling which helped a little bit. I then started Cognitive Behavioural Therapy which was unfortunately interrupted by Covid 19.

I have had a lot of support however, from this online community which I only joined recently?

I explained what happened to me in the park and several members of this wonderful community took the time to help me?

I find it extremely difficult to deal with my PTSD because as I have explained in other posts I managed to cope quite well with my diagnosis of RA because I know with modern treatment it can be controlled. I also had a positive attitude in managing my condition because I knew what I should and shouldn’t do.

I am not demeaning physical disability because I am physically disabled, however, I have found it extremely difficult to deal with having PTSD which I have said I didn’t want or ask for on top of what I already had.

Unfortunately the bully at work has been targeting people especially disabled people for years and has become “untouchable”. His behaviour including physical violence towards other members of staff has been covered up by senior managers who don’t want to deal with his behaviour because he makes vexatious complaints when anyone has tried to complain about his behaviour.

The bully has been protected at all costs by senior managers and I am the one who wasn’t protected. I have to live with the consequences.

I wish people would think before they choose to target disabled people in the workplace because in my case I already had enough to deal with without suffering from PTSD which had nothing to do with my original disabilities.

I got virtually no support from colleagues who didn’t care because he left them alone, they were scared of him making vexatious complaints about them and couldn’t understand what I was going through.

I have been told “to move on” “to pull myself together” and “to forget about the bully” None of this things help and actually make matters worse.

I read a really good book about trauma and I have posted details in Squirrels and Friends.

I’m sure you already know about this because of your extensive training, however, there are two ways in which the brain deals with trauma. One way is to desensitise itself so you feel nothing so effectively you don’t live your life and the other way is for the brain to be on constant alert expecting something bad to happen. I am in the later category.?

I hope my comments are of some help and I am happy to contribute further to this thread because it helps me to talk about it when I believe people are willing to listen and understand what I am going through?

male45

@RAwarrior
First if all can I say ii just love your user name the warrior part is awesome ?
Secondly thank you for being strong to publish what has happened to you and what you went through and have gone through since.
Lots of people tend to think that to have PTSD one has to have gone to war, been through really bad accidents or something like this.
Little do people understand what counts as trauma.
Abuse in the home, workplace, or online can be so traumatic that it can actually lead to self abuse or taking ones life .

I'd like to ask you one question I think I know the answer already but here goes..did you ever feel you could report it to an outside agency..like police?

Your work so called colleagues and managers should hold their head in shame I don't class them as anything other than cowards.
Then I have to walk in their shoes and think have they also been abused by that bully or perhaps a bully elsewhere in their lifetime.

I dont know if its same there, I'm in Northern Ireland by the way and school children here are being taught that bullying is bad, doesn't work and to report it.
They've been told to report it to a teacher, a class leader or a buddy who are other older pupils who wear a coloured hat who act as prefects.

When I grew up bullying was prevalent in schools and workplaces and often the bullies succeeded in their goal. It happened to me in my street when I was a teenager. Many many years later I met the same person..and I just had to smile at him as he recognised me and took a red face lol..he weighed about 24 stone bald and panting for breath.
Now I'm now in anyway mocking anyone in similar situations anywhere, but that was my revenge if you'd like to take that way. I walked on happy.

One day you will hear news that that bully has met their match. What goes round comes around i always believe in.

The bully must hold sensitive details over managers in the workplace. Maybe not. But a bullys time always comes back to haunt them.

Just awhile ago a friend of mine wore a secret hidden camera to gain evidence on someone which worked and that person was then arrested.

I'm so glad you read my post and decided to write yours. And I'd like to hear more if thata what you'd like to do. Ask me anything ill give you an honest reply.
Meanwhile I will look for your two threads to read up on them.
My best wishes
Stay strong and don't let fear hold you back..use it

WorldsoldestNEET

I hear some ppl had to go all the way to a war-torn country to get PTSD.

male45

AblistScumbagsMustGo said:

I hear some ppl had to go all the way to a war-torn country to get PTSD.

HI @AblistScumbagsMustGo
No not all people. Many people can get PTSD from many situations.
Some from schools, some from workplace bullying, some from families, some from worry and stress, and many more situations.
Do you know of someone with PTSD
Do you have it?
Is there anything you'd like to know about having it?
Best wishes

WorldsoldestNEET

Oh I'm very much aware. I got PTSD from a job interview.

MrCat

I probably have PTSD. However, the Government switched me over from real therapy to ABA before I could get diagnosed. Apparently every Aspie needs ABA because the Geniuses in charge know more about Autism then people who actually have it.

By the way I from the USA... Land of Deep Narnia Closet Cases!

MrCat

Um, Scumbags have you ever heard of child abuse or all the other things which cause PTSD?

male45

WorldsoldestNEET said:

Oh I'm very much aware. I got PTSD from a job interview.

Care to share more please

male45

MrCat said:

I probably have PTSD. However, the Government switched me over from real therapy to ABA before I could get diagnosed. Apparently every Aspie needs ABA because the Geniuses in charge know more about Autism then people who actually have it.

By the way I from the USA... Land of Deep Narnia Closet Cases!

Welcome and thank you for contributing to this thread.
I'd like to hear more if that's OK
Best wishes

newborn

There is a difference between PTSD and CPTSD. Nevertheless, I would suggest nobody can harm themselves by being better informed, especially when most professionals have been misinformed. There are many (free) you tube talks by Anna Runkle. Two or three are particularly interesting.
Truth about effects of c.p.t.s.d, and Myths about c.p.t.s.d., and Why I quit therapy. Oh, and one on Tough love. She is a pleasant, mild woman, who explains reasonably, nothing alarming!

One highly relevant point is that much factual research has been done only in recent years, and few professionals are up to date. (Surprisingly perhaps, u.k.'s N.I.C.E. actually does have up to date guidance warning against the usual 'treatments', somewhere buried away, including the advice that talking therapy, diagnosing with mental illness labels, and giving drugs, may be fine for some, but for others, the 'treatment' will do harm. )Many people get 'treated' for decades, to their detriment.

Anna Runkle explains well, and there's a book other people on the Scope site like a lot, called The body keeps the score. I've not seen it.

Another point Anna makes is along the lines of concentrating more on how lucky you are, and as someone said "I wept because I had no shoes. Then I met a man with no feet"

MrCat

male45 said:

MrCat said:

I probably have PTSD. However, the Government switched me over from real therapy to ABA before I could get diagnosed. Apparently every Aspie needs ABA because the Geniuses in charge know more about Autism then people who actually have it.

By the way I from the USA... Land of Deep Narnia Closet Cases!

Welcome and thank you for contributing to this thread.
I'd like to hear more if that's OK
Best wishes

America is a country with a huge ego and not much else.

My staff apparently love to act like I am insane and so every day is another Gaslighting?

Francis_theythem

I haven't officially been diagnosed yet but thanks to a few on here I'm beginning to reach out for therapy (and therefore diagnosis). TW mentions of abuse, assault, narcissism

I've had a series of different events, but the thing that triggered it all was a narcissistic carer I had for 3 years. I'd even call him a psychopath. It's not like I was abused for that long... or saw him for that long every day he came. But there was something about him that stuck within me somehow, always. His last game he played with me and another carer backfired on him though - he misjudged my character and it ended up getting him fired from the care agency and I never saw him again. But it was super stressful and my (former) friend assaulted me while it was going on and l just felt completely scarred and psychologically violated.

I'm not 'normal' with ptsd symptoms as I completely shut down and have complete amnesia of trauma events and generalised amnesia of my life. I can remember some things but it's like vague parts of a book that are words that have no relation to me. My dissociation is hell and the worst thing for me, but I dissociate and numbed so much I can't remember or feel anything. And it's also like it fractured my Self. but everything confuses me at the moment so it's difficult to know what's completely happening to me. I hope that when I see someone about it, it'll help me understand properly.

I believe that it's always good to know others with similar experiences who can relate and bring each others experience and help together. Also it helps me to talk about it to help put my thoughts together and also to know others who are trauma survivors, so I'm thankful you began this thread

RAwarrior

@male45

Thank you for your comments, support and kind words?

Thank you for the compliment about my username?

I chose my user name because it relates to my attitude in managing to deal with living with a serious illness as RA. It’s just a pity I can’t cope with the PTSD in the same way?

I also started a Rheumatoid Arthritis thread a few weeks ago if you’re interested. You will see that I can write forever about RA because although I am not a medical professional it’s something I do know a lot about. This is in complete contrast with my PTSD because I struggle to deal with it.

It might sound strange but it’s as if there are two different people posting on the Rheumatoid thread and this one. I think it’s because of the huge difference in the way I have coped so well with one illness (RA) which I didn’t want either and so badly with the PTSD which I certainly didn’t want ?

I posted about what happened to me because I think people who have PTSD might be able to help each other. I am really grateful that you started this thread?

There are many myths about PTSD as well including that it only affects war veterans or adults who have had a really bad childhood. There are many people who have PTSD because of those reasons however, in my case neither of those situations applies.

Many people don’t realise that workplace bullying can cause PTSD.

It is very hard for me because I was bullied and harassed as an adult. I have mentioned this in other threads but some people have said “Oh I wouldn’t have let him bully me”
I would like to see what would they have done if they had been in my shoes. These are the same people who refused to help me.

Well when you go to work that’s exactly what you are there for, to work. However, I was subjected to bullying and harassment for years by the same person. It wasn’t a one off incident, this went on for years?

I did think about reporting it to the Police as a disability hate crime but I raised a formal grievance containing a lot of evidence and naming several witnesses. The grievance wasn’t investigated properly as none of the witnesses were interviewed and the senior managers chose not to believe me?

I was on my own because NOBODY would help me.

A series of managers chose to ignore his behaviour because he used to accuse anyone who dared to question his behaviour of racism which was completely unfounded. The irony is that he used to openly make racist remarks regularly!

The bully didn’t want to do any work and spent the day insulting and ridiculing people. I didn’t want to join in so he started on me. If you “didn’t dance to his tune” he would get even more abusive them make false complaints to the manager about me.

The bully mainly targeted disabled people and referred to them as “sickies”?

He used to make extremely vulgar comments which I cannot post on here because they are too disgusting.

Basically it was a living hell when I was in the same workplace?

I agree with your comments about my “colleagues” It was a case of “I’m alright Jack” or they were scared of being accused of racism.

I really appreciate the fact that you understand my situation because so many don’t. I am fed up with being told “to move on” If only it was that easy.

I believe that out of work he is a coward and he is pathetic for targeting someone like me who was clearly already physically disabled.

Most of the bullying was verbal. He would insult me, ridicule me and make vexatious complaints about me to various managers. He got sympathy from the managers who refused to do anything about it.

Hindsight is a very good thing and if I had the mental and physical strength at the time I should have gone to an employment tribunal but it’s too late.

By the time my formal grievance was not upheld, I had lost so much weight, I couldn’t sleep, I lost my self esteem, I lost the confidence to do my job, a job I was good at despite all my health issues and I was broken? I couldn’t face going to an ET only for the judge to support the bully.

I still work but I am no longer the same person and my enthusiasm has gone. My employer didn’t protect me and the real problem is that it’s not over because the long term result is PTSD which believe on top of having Rheumatoid and Osteoarthritis has been devastating for me.

I am also terrified of seeing him again and people just don’t understand?

I see people who loom like him when I am out.

Pre-Covid 19, I was in a bookshop with a friend and the bully looks like someone on television and I was saw a book with a picture of the tv person, my friend saw the book and immediately covered it with another book because my friend saw my reaction ? How do you explain this to people who either don’t understand or don’t care?

To many people a book with a picture of someone is harmless but it’s not if that one image transports me back to the time I was being bullied?

I hope it makes sense?

Thank you again for your support as I really appreciate it ?

I apologise if I have written a lot about my situation but I hope it is helpful.

Thank you so much ?

cupcake88

Hi what a good thread I’m sorry for every one has experienced. I’m sending every one my good well wishes nobody should have to face work place bullying im
currently taking my past employer to tribunal I advice every one should not tell work places treat you like this .

(Warning sensitive subject may trigger some people )

I my self suffer with ptsd led pychosis . I used to be such a care free Person no anxiety no nothing . Until I was with an abusing partner this was when I was in my mid 20s he slowing made sure he controlled me mentally emotionally and physical I become trapped in a abuse he terrorised every part of my life he nearly killed me and my my precous dog in a car he used to speed cars up to control me , he used to throw away my food when I was eating , he would wait till I did a full shop and throw it all in the bin , he would throw beer in my face , throw things at me , drag me out of bed in the middle of the night and beat me he forced him self on my sexually . I finally found the strength to leave I was ok for the first year but then I remember being out and then feeling like I had to get back to my dog incase some thing bad happened to him I remember all these panicked thoughts racing threw my head soon after that year by year I got worst and worst and to the point I was seeing men trying to kill me , hearing male voices , I still wake up in the night screaming I feel so bad that my partner does the not get any sleep because of me I don’t sleep well at all even tho this was years ago it still feels like yesterday for me , I have flash backs I can feel his hands on my neck .

I’m blessed to have such a amazing partner now but I feel like he really has to take care of me , he’s so worried bout me most of the time , he doesn’t sleep well because of my sleep pattern . I always wish that he knew me before I was poorly .

I’m under a mental health community team and im
on medication and under a pych doctor . It took me to get extremely ill before I got all this help I went into major crisis when I actually ended up running threw the streets screaming I was being chased by the devil . Now I carry round like a card that explains my illnesses with my partners contact details but not like I go out any way . Im to scared of the out side world.

Grinchy

This is an interesting posting, all very sad, i feel for all of you, i hope as time goes on it eases for you
I have complex PTSD, from years of childhood abuse from my mother and father both sexual and physical abuse, to much to write about really, but i was sold for sex to groups of men abused sexually by my father a really horrible time, i suffer with flashbacks, nightmares and visions, and also have non epileptic attack disorder were i have seizures, i write this just to share, i have had various counselling but the last time it was just bringing up more and more memories so was not helping, i am on various meds including antipsychotic i don't go out unless its with my wife, she is great and looks after me really well, my anxiety and depression gets me down but i try and stay positive, i have a star wars room where i go to destress, i love the movies and they have always helped me since i was a kid, no matter how bad it got i knew i had Luke and the gang to be there for me, anyway wishing all of you the best

male45

Hi all
Well thank you to all for your lovely comments.
I'm sorry I haven't replied sooner but I took myself and family off to the beautiful mountains of Mourne my favourite hotspot.
I'm glad to read that many of you are openly sharing your experiences and I say to you allnthat I'm so sorrybthat you have had to go through and still are going through some very difficult times.
I think its ok that professionals talk to us or treat us (I say loosely) but unless they walk in our shoes they can't treat 100 per cent.
I think its good that there a group of us on here able to share and I hope none are having nightmares because of sharing.
I would also hope that if others happen to stop by this thread and read someone our posts they might summon up the strength to post of their own experiences or illnesses no matter what ails them.

So thank you one and all..
Lets support each other..ill answer any questions I can regarding my own ptsd if asked.

Best wishes

RAwarrior

@male45

I hope you had a lovely holiday

I am so grateful that you have started this thread. As I have previously said, many people don't understand what it's like to have PTSD unless they have it. PTSD has many causes and there are many myths about it.

I get fed up with people telling me to "move on" or to "pull myself together", if only it was that simple.

As I have said before my PTSD was caused directly by being bullied at harassed at work so even trying to explain to "colleagues" why I feel the way I do is pointless because they simply don't understand. Many of them have said "oh just forget about him".

Well believe me I already had enough to cope with because of my OA and RA so I didn't exactly want to acquire yet another medical condition which is very hard to deal with because something which might seem like nothing to other people, can trigger an emotional reaction. :'(

On a positive note, by sharing what has happened to me esspecially because I have other very serious medical conditions helps me and I hope it helps others because although the cause of my PTSD may be different to other people in the online community, I think we can try to support each other.

I don't have nightmares because I have shared my experiences here because I don't believe that anyone on here is trying to harm me.

Thanks again for starting this thread.

RAwarrior

@Francis_theythem
@cupcake88
@Grinchy

I am really sorry to read about your appalling experiences and I am sorry because I can't find the words that are strong enough to express my utter shock by what you have described. I am trying not to sound patronising but thank you for having the courage to share the causes of your PTSD with other people in this online community.

Please accept my apologies if I say the wrong thing or upset you because PTSD is an extremely difficult condition to talk about.

What I can say is that you have my support and some of you have already given me support on other threads recently for which I can't thank you enough.

As I have said previously there are many causes of PTSD but we all have PTSD regardless of the cause.

Perhaps we can support each other by sharing ways in which we try to hope with PTSD but only if you feel comfortable in doing that.

I know some of you already know about my love of wildlife and by interacting with wildlife this is one way in which I try to cope.

If you haven't had a look yet, I have posted lots of photographs in the Squirrels and Friends thread, the Wildlife and Photography threads.

I am not medically trained however, I find interacting with wildlife and just being outside lifts my mood. Perhaps this is similar to @Grinchy amazing Star Wars Collection

male45

I get fed up with people telling me to "move on" or to "pull myself together", if only it was that simple @RAwarrior that is so true people often said same to me, I'm sure said to others also. I listened out of respect to those who told me same but after awhile I just ignored them by not being around them. I became a loner for years. Then I joined an organisation and found it challenging but trained me to find myself and I came out of my shell and learned to speak for myself in ways I never knew I could. I have not got a mind that if someone doesn't like me for who I am then I dont care...
One way that I have learned to deal with my nightmares is to imagine those that troubled me is to imagine them **** as keystone cops in a movie...then I laugh and that helps.

I've always loved animals..and I believe they have a sense if your feeling low or high.
My cat for example seems to feel when I'm on a high he comes and tortures me to play with him or groom him or both when I'm on a low he just sits on my knee amd enjoys that. Dump i know but thats what I imagine

RAwarrior

@male45

Thank you for your comments?

I try to distance myself from people who don’t want to try to even understand and I don’t trust many people now. I am always looking at the motives or intentions of people to determine if they are going to harm me or not?

PTSD unfortunately in my case does change the way I see other people and I become very defensive if I sense someone is trying to harm me and I don’t physically harm me.

I have changed because I try to defend myself now to try to stop anyone harming me. That might sound really good but I do it with most people I meet which because of Covid 19 means I come into contact with less people which in my case I actually prefer.

I apologise to people who have been impacted by Covid 19 because they have come into contact with less people and it has affected their mental health but I am only talking about how it has affected me.

The other thing that really irritates me is the person who is not a medical professional who “knows about psychology” and tries tell you what to do which usually includes the “moving on”, “Pull yourself together” and the “Forget about it” phrases?

I just find these people really annoying. I don’t mean people like the ones in this wonderful online community, I mean the ones we come across including at work. I don’t bet but I can bet that someone who reads this has come across one of those people? My advice is to walk away from those people who can do more harm than good.

I agree about your comments regarding your cat as cats are very perceptive animals who do sense if something is wrong.

I think I enjoy spending time with animals because I know they won’t harm me?