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We want to hear from you: please tell us about your experience of the online community.

PTSD

male45

I've started this discussion for anyone who suffers from PTSD ONLY.
Would you care to share your experience of PTSD and maybe share how your PTSD began?

I'll begin

I am a PTSD sufferer. I say sufferer because I am still experiencing PTSD and not a survivor of it.
Others may argue that I am a survivor but in my mind I do not feel I am.
I was diagnosed with it along with other illnesses after I left work. I had no choice to leave i was paid off on recommendation of the firms doctor.
Over time mightmares began and wakening up in cold sweats, some nights screaming and punching out. I slept on a single bed after that for awhile before returning to my own bed, I didnt want to accidently punch my wife..
I had counselling and thought that isnit all over and done with..But i was wrong. A few weeks went by and the nightmares began. Over and over and over.
It was recommended I should go to a special organisation that helps with people who have been injured physically or physcologicaly in The Troubles.
It was good to be around others who either lost a loved one or were injured in some way also.
I would attend once weekly for over a year. And after that they would keep in touch and I was always welcome to go back anytime.
Nightmares stopped but only for a short time and since then they have returned worse than before. I'm remembering more and more almost daily.
Sometimes they are so severe i don't want to go to sleep at all..
I sit up on bed just listening to the world go by outside then the silence and darkness. Then I waken with the visions and cold sweats and have to get out of bed and sit on a chair in living room.
My cat will come sit on my knee grooming my hand then himself and fall asleep with his head on my hand. This helps me relax and before I know it, it is morning and I'm exhausted.
This is how I live daily.
I truly believe no one can understand what sufferers of PTSD go through unless they have PTSD or experienced it in their lifetime.
Counselling is fine but very regimental with the same phrasing of questions or comments. Eg "how did that make you feel"

So thats me with PTSD

I've heard all the supportive phrases and comments before from counselling and support lines and even joined one of those organisations and have been trained to help others and undertook extra training amd counselling courses and mental health first aid to name but a few degrees and certs I have.
But yet my nightmares continue. I guess I dont want to let go of them who knows.
I have helped hundreds maybe a thousand people I've lost count but can't help myself.
Someone might ask me ...how I feel about typing about it or talking about it and so on...im OK to type or talk about it as you can see.

So now whoever reads this and has PTSD would you care to share?

Best wishes.

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Comments

male45

@RAwarrior
Hi there.
I have to agree with you about staying away from people because of lack of trust and wondering whay they're up to. Same goes for me. When someone talks to me I try to second guess why they're asking me a question or I body watch to read them. I watch their eyes as I believe theyre the hardest part of our body to disguise from fibbing.
Theres nothing wrong with not trusting people it is sad though we do but its understandable and in many ways wise. It can save us from scammers, or fake people as I title them.
People do what they need they feel they must do to survive...the animal kingdom does this sonthe stronger survive..and with is doing it then we are strong.
I often people watch and over time I've learned to read their body language. Some i get wrong but many I get right so that helps also.
Do what you need to do to survive and be you...only you know yourself..you appear to be a smart person so I if you feel you're OK this way then carry on regardless.
If, you want to change..then join an organisation that help people, become a volunteer and by doing so then I time you will learn who the real you is and it will come out in you and give you more confidence.
As for the bully.
Bullies are cowards they pick on the quiet people, the weak, the disabled..on anyone they feel are afraid of them..like animals they can sense this..what they don't expect is retaliation...fight back. You don't need to be physically able bodied to fight this coward...but if you summon up your inner strength you will find a way to fight back. Nothing illegal..everything legal and above board...you have brains the coward doesn't...
Is this something you've wanted to do or others telling you to dobthis?
What do YOU want to do...you can't live your life afraid of a cowars can you...
Remember fear is transmitted...
Best wishea

Francis_theythem

I'm inside crying because of the understanding between us.

@RAWarrior I wouldn't have even thought sharing it possible, I've only been able to say anything about it until recently, so I'm really proud of myself for doing that. Maybe a part of my subconscious is trying to tell me something. I understand about trauma from bullying, my favourite carer was bullied by the narc so I know the effect it can have. Also I'll be happy to be your friend if you'd like.

I've always been honest, trusting and I always tried to be kind towards others. It's really sad that I was taken advantage of because of that... I think I was naive about others because I naturally tend to see the good in others. But it's important to remember that there are good people out there too! My friends are from LGBTQ community so I suppose they're already in a vulnerable group, but they're genuinely good, supportive people so I know they're out there. It's easy to generalise about the bad people in the world so I just wanted to remind you that there are good people physically too. That said, I'm pretty wary now. I ask myself: is this person good for me? I think we can heal if we have people that are good for us around us. So I'm focusing on having people that are "good for me" around me and leave others behind. I read eyes and body language now, and also test them with seeing how they respond to certain words/phrases (as my narc didn't react badly to charged words)

Also I agree completely about the pretend-psychology experts and the ones who are really dismissive. My sister is one of those unfortunately, so I try not to involve my health with her. When I was going through domestic violence, I managed to tell my sister that I was being abused (which is super difficult when you're being controlled) and she said I was just being sensitive... bleugh ><

I've definitely become wary and not trusting about new people now and am pretty emotionally closed off. I have a "persona" that comes out whenever I'm in social situations, I think she is my protector. (No, I don't have DID, but it feels like my Self has split into pieces)

Also if anyone's interested, I found a new therapy called "Internal Family Systems" that I'm going to start that's about understanding the different parts of our subconscious and what they're trying to tell us and healing ourselves as a whole. E.g. when a tf-CBT may ground us when we dissociate, an IFS would talk to the dissociated part of us and try to understand it. It's just something I wanted to share but of course feel free to ignore. This got way too long so I'll stop now

RAwarrior

Hi @Francis_theythem

Thank you so much for your comments and support

I really do appreciate your understanding in relation to trauma and bullying especially as many people refuse to link the two things.

I also think you should be extremely proud of the fact that you have had the courage to talk about your situation which will also help other people in similar situations.

Although the causes of the PTSD which we both have are very different I still think that we can support each other.

I only recently joined this wonderful online community and my first posts were about workplace bullying. I also never thought I could post anything about what happened to me and I do not participate in any form of social media.

I am not a medical professional but please try not to think about the fact that you feel taken advantage of because as human beings we do try to see the good in people. As I have mentioned in my posts, I do not trust many people and I also read their body language.in order to protect myself. I too feel that people (including the workplace bully) have taken advantage of me, however, I have tried to learn from my experience. My instincts whether this is right or wrong are to protect myself.

I am really glad to hear that you have a group of very supportive friends. I agree that there are good people and I just don't waste my time with people who don't even try to understand.

I really do appreciate @male45 for starting this thread because regardless of the cause of the PTSD, I think people in this online community can help each other.

I was given a lot of support last week by several members of the online community after an incident in the park when I was feeding my little squirrel family.

I have mentioned a really book which I read about trauma in the Squirrels and Friends thread if you are interested, however, please be aware that some of the book doesn't make pleasant reading. However, it did help me to understand how and why I have reacted to trauma. It also details the types of treatment in relation to trauma.

There are also videos on Youtube with the doctor who wrote the book if you are interested. The doctor is Dr Bessel Van Der Koch. There are also videos on the Ted Youtube channel and Ted channel about trauma.

It's interesting about what you say about having another "persona" and perhaps some of the other members of the online community have been in a similar situation.

Thank you also for the information about Internal Family Systems which I will look up as I had never heard of it.

On another note and I hope you don't mind me mentioning it on this thread however, how is the string art coming along? The photograph you posted on the Kaleidoscope Thread was really lovely.

Many thanks again?

male45

@Francis_theythem
@cupcake88
@Grinchy

How are you all?
Its good to know none of you have left and are able to share your experiences. It takes strength and courage to do so. I'm not patronising you just praising you and saying well done.
If you notice in each post telling of what happened to each of us theres a common factor. That is fear...fear to face up to the bullies, what others see us as eg weak.
We tend to stay in not go out unless with a close relative..we watch others we hear what they say and wonder why they use this phrase or word in that comment or this comment. We are always on alert.
Is this a way to live?
Cupcake you left your bully and found a new life . Francis_theythem you drew uonthe strength to help get your physco carer the boot. Grinchy you are a survivor of serial abuse of the most terrible way.
Each of you including RAwarrior have come along way and are able to openly share what has happened to eaxh of you.
I started this thread in the hope that there would be at least one other member on this forum that may have PTSD and share something about themselves.
I am absolutely in awe that more than one has decided that they'd like to share and I hope that by reading each others PTSD stories we might all form a bond and know we are not alone. We can walk in each others shoes and not ridicule each other because we understand and believe each other.
I would hope others will have the strength to come on here amd share.
For all of us that have shared but have held something back i encourage you to think if you'd like to share what you've held back. Decide if it will help you if you decide its not the right time that's fine. You are in control. Remember ..YOU ARE IN CONTROL
Think of those words amd think back that you weren't as you went theough your worst times.

My best wishes

mousey

Hi, I thought I would chime in here as I have PTSD / cPTSD.

I've done several sessions of trauma focused therapy but mostly it was working on my severe dissociation. I realised I had been dissociated for years in a row and most of my childhood. Sadly it became clear I need specific therapy for my psychotic illness before going back to the trauma specialists... That 'three stages of trauma recovery' thing.

I was so relieved to get my CPTSD diagnosis after years of having PTSD labelled but it didn't fit. So, hi!

Something I wanted to mention is since I've had my mobility scooter (I've only been out a couple of times) but I feel so much more 'safe'. Due to my physical disabilities I haven't been able to walk safely / pain free for years and even longer since I've been able to run. Being able to 'move fast' is really good.

WorldsoldestNEET

Oh yeah. Some ppl concider disassociation a bad thing, don't they?

Chloe_Alumni

Thank you for sharing this with us @mousey. I'm glad you feel your diagnosis now reflects your experiences. I hope you have still been able to access support throughout the pandemic.

Chloe_Alumni

Hi @WorldsoldestNEET, here is what MIND says about dissociation:

Dissociation is one way the mind copes with too much stress, such as during a traumatic event.

Experiences of dissociation can last for a relatively short time (hours or days) or for much longer (weeks or months).

If you dissociate for a long time, especially when you are young, you may develop a dissociative disorder. Instead of dissociation being something you experience for a short time it becomes a far more common experience, and is often the main way you deal with stressful experiences.

Obviously, dissociation is initially a way of our brain protecting you. However, this means the trauma hasn't been processed. Like all coping mechanisms, we can resort to dissociation every time a stressful experience is present.

Working with a mental health professional can help to break down and understand the cycle of dissociation and allow us to process things.

RAwarrior

One of the main things I struggle with is getting my employer to recognise that I have PTSD and that “I can’t just forget about it and move on”.

It is really difficult to get people to understand the long term impact of what the bullying and harassment at work which after all was caused by one of their own employees, has done to me.

The bully is still employed as I previously explained and no doubt he is okay because he is working at another location but he has left a trail of destruction i.e. I have PTSD as a result of being bullied and harassed by him for years!

I have read lots of the posts in the online community and I see that a really big problem is getting people to understand about mental health issues.

I have enough trouble explaining to people about my physical disabilities but trying to get people to understand about mental health is extremely difficult.

It really annoys me especially in recent years there has been a lot of awareness about mental health issues in the media which I think has been a good thing, so why do so many people still refuse to help people with mental health issues?

There is a legal requirement to help disabled people in work under the Equality Act 2010 but in reality this means absolutely nothing to me.

The Equality Act didn’t protect me when I was subjected to being bullied and harassed and it’s not protecting me now when I try to get my employer to help me.

I used to be a dedicated and conscientious employee who took pride in the fact that I had remained in work despite my original disabilities. However, I got PTSD because my employer covered up what the bully did to me and now I have to pick up the pieces?

As a disabled person with both physical and mental health issues (the mental health issues I got because of being bullied and harassed at work) I feel like a nuisance to my employer anytime I suggest something which might actually help me so help them?

Unfortunately mental health awareness is just a box ticking exercise by many managers so they can say they have done their awareness training but in reality it’s is equivalent to doing nothing?

In my case my employer wants to sweep it under the carpet and get me to “ move on”.

Well I am the one that is suffering.

In case any of you are wondering why I am feeling so bad today after all I have posted photos on the Squirrels and Friends thread who many of you will know me from, but I had terrible nightmare last night about work.

Vivid nightmares are a big problem for me.

In addition because I am feeding really stressed oday, my Rheumatoid Arthritis is flaring up so I am in a lot of pain today.?

I am fed up having to explain myself over and over again.

What really annoys me is when I hear my employer talking about equality which means nothing to people like me.?

Chloe_Alumni

Hi @RAwarrior, thank you for sharing this with us. Some really good points! I hope you aren't in as much pain today.

Francis_theythem

I've been really struggling today. Y'know how trauma cascades can start with the simplest of things...

Like there was a cricket game that my uncle's family have a rivalry with against mine soo apparently I messaged him to be like 'just your friendly reminder that the odi is today...yes I am continuing to remind you about these

' and then he eventually replied with like 'thanks ... I guess' and I guess it just released a ton of tension that I have about my personality switches and how different parts of my fractured mind influence and control everything I say or do (or type in this instance) and I just broke down crying.

Mm I talked to crisis and they helped stabilise my mood a bit and now I've been messaging my very non-judgemental friend but I can't get rid of the feeling that I should remove myself from the world and everyone - but self-isolation wouldn't work because my attention-seeking and social selves won't ever stay away from attention and seeking affection and safety that I never even get due to feeling unsafe around everyone except my aunt and uncle that sent me this so now I feel alienated from them too. Trying to err away from the conclusion that not living is the only way of not inflicting myself or my alternate selves and the mesh that is us all on anyone

I guess maybe I'm also wondering if there was anyone on here that has multiple personalities, partial identity separation/alteration, DID or OSDD

RAwarrior

Hi @Chloe_Scope

Thank you very much

I am a bit better today

Tori_Scope

Hi @Francis_theythem.

I'm sorry to hear that you were really struggling yesterday. I know that you've been having a difficult time recently anyway, so that can't have been easy.

I'm really glad that you felt able to talk the crisis line, and that they and your friend have been able to make you feel a bit more stable.

I know that these things take time, but have you heard any more news about accessing some therapy? I think last time we spoke, you'd self-referred yourself to a therapy centre, and you'd found another place that you'd be able to contact over webchat or email if you needed to speak to someone more urgently, is that right? Were they the crisis people you spoke to yesterday?

I'm worried by your comment about feeling as though you should remove yourself from the world. I know you said that you're trying to stay away from the idea not living being an option, which is good, but I'd just like to remind you that you don't have to try and do that alone. Accessing some therapy will be the best thing in the long-term, but in the meantime please bear in mind that you can always contact the crisis people you spoke to before, ring or email Samaritans, or use the SHOUT text service. If you don't feel able to keep yourself safe, please call 999 or go to your local A&E.

Please do let us know if there's anything we can do to help

male45

@Francis_theythem
Please remember you are NEVER alone. You can talk and we will be here for you as will the crisis line or any of the links listed by @Tori_Scope

Chloe_Alumni

Hi @Francis_theythem, how are you feeling today? I hope today will be a bit better.

Francis_theythem

@Tori_Scope I'm sorry I worried you - I wouldn't have done anything dangerous to myself, I say things like that when I'm upset sometimes. Thank you for the links, I haven't heard of shout before. I use Samaritans sometimes but I have to email because phone phobic, they're useful for talking things through. Sometimes they ask questions that make me think but they wouldn't have helped in this instance.

Because I have physical health problems they wanted to get an accompanying referral from my GP to understand my health problems better. The charity emailed me on thursday saying they hadn't had any response from my GP so I chased it up. Should come through sometime this week? Delay is because of my GP, basically.

Thank you for reminding me I'm not alone @male45 I need that sometimes. It's kind of hard sometimes because i haven't come across anyone with the type of trauma response I have. Like I'm suspecting OSDD but structural dissociation apparently only happens with adverse childhood experiences and I wasn't abused as a child sooo I feel like I don't fit in anywhere and that I'm just really really messed up and that noone will understand

@Chloe_Scope I forget things really really quickly so I don't actually remember the emotions and thoughts that made me collapse so I'm fine now. Day-to-day amnesia does have its uses sometimes given I'm so unstable at the moment.

Cher_Alumni

Hello @Francis_theythem

it's good to hear you are okay and I'm glad you chased up your GP to move along your referral. Keep us updated with how it goes and if we can support you with it

You are definitely not alone here and you fit in like an utter star. How has today been for you?

Tori_Scope

There's no need to apologise @Francis_theythem, don't worry

That's understandable, I just wanted to try and make sure that you were safe.

I think a lot of people are worried about speaking on the phone, so it's good that you're able to email Samaritans. I've heard SHOUT can be useful and it's good to have the number if you need it, anyway.

I don't know if you've ever heard of Papyrus, but they also have an email service (pat@papyrus-uk.org) and a text service (07860 039 967). Their services are designed for younger people, so it could be worth saving their details somewhere too in case you need it.

It's good that they're taking into account your physical health. Fingers crossed your GP will get back to them as soon as possible! Keep us updated.

Francis_theythem

I found a forum for dissociative identity and here are people there who have the same experiences as me, which felt really validating.

Oooh I've never heard of Papyrus before, if I'm feeling like that, I might try them

Thank you

It's been a week already since I chased them up and still nothing

*sighs*

I've been a bit better today. My pacing has been all over the place and I didn't get out of bed till midday but I did some lowkey drawing today. They were just spiral patterns that I copied off google because I think my trauma is stifling my ability to be creative so I can't really create anything at the moment so I just copied patterns. But it was kinda relaxing a bit. My book came two days ago as well - it's called "healing the fragmented selves of trauma survivors" by janina fisher so I hope that will be helpful too. Some of my module next term happens to be on identity too - I think I'm going to end up having a proper identity crisis soon ><

Tori_Scope

That sounds great @Francis_theythem! It's good to speak to others who've had similar experiences. Have they been able to give you any tips?

No problem

DEEP sigh. I think GPs are quite swamped at the moment. If you haven't heard back during next week, maybe you could chase them again? That is frustrating, but don't give up.

Try and focus on the positives- you got out of bed! That can be really hard sometimes, so try not to feel too bad that it was at midday.

The drawings sound good! You could always post them on KaleidoScope if you wanted? No pressure. The main thing is that you enjoy it. I can't draw at all, but I do little doodles sometimes to entertain myself.

Ooh, the book sounds interesting. I did a module or two on identity as well, I hope you find it interesting. Ha, well fingers crossed you don't have an identity crisis. Knowledge is power, hopefully...