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Advice please.

Dani2001

Hello.
I need some advice pls. Myself and my x partner separated. Child arrangments order in place. Myself and x have 50/50 shared care - one week on one week off. Son has since been diagnosed with Autisum, PDA and ADHD Son struggling with this arrangement. speaking to dad but not successful so far but hoping we can work something out. I feel its important for little one to have both of us in life. son refused to go with dad and not been since. Is there anywhere I can get some help from pls. Son getting physical, verbal, crying.

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Tibik

You can contact Social Services for help, explaining that you feel this current arrangement is harming your son. As a person with Autism, I would find a constant back and forth excruciating! You can also apply through family court for mediation to work out a custody arrangement that is better for your son- but this will mean he needs an assessment, so there you are back to social services or to mental health services.

L_Volunteer

Hello @Dani2001. Thank you for reaching out to us. I always appreciate the courage it can take to reach out, especially when you are new and finding things difficult.

You have mentioned your son is struggling with this arrangement. Do you know what your son would prefer and find more manageable and accessible? Often, hearing his needs and wishes could help you too.

As @Tibik indicated, your son’s needs should be at the forefront of, and more important than, any formal agreement.

Similarly, do you know why your son is struggling with this arrangement? For example, is it a change he doesn’t understand? I am wondering if social stories to explain this could be helpful, if so.

Also, how are you coping with all of this, including your son’s new diagnoses? We are here for you and listening to you if you would like to share more with us

Dani2001

We have 50/50 shared care. Son not managing this.

Tibik

If your son is not managing this, then it's not the right arrangement. Is he able to verbalise his choices and preferences? Is he old enough (usually 12ish+) to speak for his preferences? You might ask for a Guardian ad Litem - a solicitor who speaks for his perspective. As I said, speak urgently to social services- this is a safeguarding issue. If he is being harmed, you as a parent have both the right and responsibility to speak up. Good luck to you, and I wish you well.

Dani2001

Hi.
Yes can talk. Has said would like less sleepovers. Please can I ask what you mean by safeguarding issue. Just coming up to 11 years

Tibik

"Safeguarding" means to protect someone from actual or potential abuse or neglect, but it can be a situation, not a person, putting them at that risk. Social Services will have a specialist team- if you speak to them, you can explain that it's not your ex but the arrangements that you feel are harming your child. They will have to investigate- they might determine it's not a safeguarding issue, but they will collect a lot of information that can be used to help make other decisions. The teams have a lot of possible power- they can for example get an emergency court order to change custody arrangements.

Your child can also call Childline- https://www.childline.org.uk/ - there are counsellors and there is support there where the child can speak in confidence.

If your child has been diagnosed with ASD/ ADHD since the custody arrangements were made, you have grounds to ask for a review. You might need to contact a solicitor whose specialty is family law.

Finally, if you tell your specialist or practice nurse, or GP, that you feel your child is unsafe and at risk of harm due to the custody arrangements- and give them some of the information you have put here- or if your child discloses how they feel, that practitioner is obliged to raise their concerns with safeguarding.

The other thing is you could ask for your child to be appointed with a Guardian ad Litem- a solicitor whose sole responsibility is to speak for your child. They can help ensure that your child and their concerns are heard,

Im so sorry you have to go through all this- as I said, as a person with Autism, I find change and flux intolerable and exceptionally stressful. I like routines and for things to be the same... I can't imagine how the arrangements must feel to your child.

I hope all this helps.

Dani2001

Hi.
Son has said he no longer wants to continue with arrangements. It has been suggested to me to attend mediation and therapeutic therapy so us adults can learn how to talk to son better to re-establish previous 50/50 routine. I feel this is not listening to our son.

Tibik

I agree. It's not about talking to your son, it is about listening to him. The kid has PDA- telling him to do something he does *not* want to do is not ever going to have a good outcome. The amount of disruption and change the poor kid must have, it must be excruciating for him- and that will reflect on his relationship with the parent he feels is not listening to him.

I can't imagine *anyone* being happy with 50/50 custody- it sounds like you guys need to go back to family court, get a psychological assessment and a Guardian ad Litem, and renegotiate custody. The child needs, especially given his emotional and social special needs, consistency and regularity... not things constantly changing.

When you go to mediation, keep standing on "We need to listen to what is best for (child)- he has special needs, and they have to go before our needs and wants. He's old enough to tell us what he wants, and given his needs we really need to listen or risk harming him and alienating him. Let's think differently- how can we support him?"

((hugs)) Admire you for working so hard- being a parent, especially one of a child with special needs- is the toughest job ever, and its clear you are doing the best you can for your child.