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Scared to start college again

wreckacowboy

It's been a while, but since my last posts, I've been thinking about going back to college; but I'm scared.

Things in my home are still chaotic. I still get drained, I still get ordered around, and I'm still finding it hard fo eat just due to the stress. I don't know if I'll be able to go to college and come back to essentially a 24/7 job that I don't even like (I help with caring/am a carer for my mum's partner that I don't get along with). BUT I really want to get to college and get my education. Not only will it give me something to work towards that I ACTUALLY want (and not what my family expects me or thinks I'm capable of), but I also need something other than care-work in my life. The gym isn't cutting in, gaming isn't fun anymore, being stuck in the home 24/7 with no way to decompress in my own pace is getting too much — I need something that'll give me an excuse to be able to get out without being expected to drop it as soon as my family calls my name.

I guess I'm asking for some reassurance if possible?

Idk, i'm starting to think I'm becoming selfish. It feels like unless I'm shouting, crying, or so drained that I can barely keep my body up, I'm not allowed to just be left alone for the day ＿|￣|○ And I don't think I can wait until new housing or respite comes before I lose my mind (figuratively speaking)

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wreckacowboy

https://forum.scope.org.uk/discussion/comment/908109#Comment_908109

Hi!

Not anymore, no. It's split between me and my mother (she does the personal stuff, I do more of the physical labour (e.g bringing him food)). We had a very bad experience with past carers that the Care Commission found 18 dissatisfactory practises that the carers company had to fix. We are in the waiting list for Premium caring, but who knows how long that list is considering the stress NHS are under right now.

I have looked into the days. Since I'm basically starting from the beginning, I'm only going in for a single day (Tuesday) and the rest of the time is self-studying, and it's for physics! The problem comes from the self-studying: I cannot study inside my home if I wish to be undisturbed, but I'm limited to where I can go outside of campuses. It's either the college campus, which would cost a lot in money and time due to the distance of the closest college, but also the local cafe has far too much noise for me to concentrate. I would go to the library, but the closest one is a 1 hour walk, which uses up the limited time I'd have to study after I've done what'll need to be done before I'm allowed to leave.

I'm gonna try and bring it up, and hope for some good outcome. She said she'll support me every time I suggested attempting to go back, but she's one of those people where she says one thing but does something completely different. (E.g she says she understands that I struggle with abruptness as an autistic person but still gets upsets when I speak/act a bit abrupt/quick no matter how I apologise and try to explain that I don't mean it)

wreckacowboy

https://forum.scope.org.uk/discussion/comment/908119#Comment_908119

Hi!

Thank you so much!

Unfortunately, I don't. I don't have any friends and I'm not close with my neighbours. I'll try and push through it somehow (the library seems like the best bet atm), and hopefully something closer will open up!

Rachel_Scope

Hi @wreckacowboy. You're definitely not selfish for how you're feeling. You're expected to do so much for others and you deserve to have something for yourself and your personal growth and development.

I'm so sorry you had such a horrible experience with carers in the past. How long have you been on the list for Premium caring?

Are you able to take a bus/bike/get a lift to the library to study? If that's not possible, do you see any way that there could be an agreement where you study at home at certain times and shouldn't be disturbed? You can get some noise cancelling headphones to block out background noise too.

wreckacowboy

https://forum.scope.org.uk/discussion/comment/908215#Comment_908215

Hi!

We've been on waiting list for a couple of months now? I'm unsure of exactly how long since I'm more focused on what I have to do around the house than what's happening in the background.

Bus might be possible! I'll need to check if the buses that come to the closest stop is able to go where the library is. I'll try having a talk about studying times and being undisturbed, but I don't have much hope with my past experience of studying in my home.

Thank you for your tips and input.

Rachel_Scope

Hopefully you'll hear back about the carers soon. Fingers crossed the bus goes to the library, that'd give you a much needed break and quiet time to study. It's always worth having the discussion about study times, you never know 😊

Keep us updated on how things go

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