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Feeling low and used

Venus_Cee

Feeling low today. Sick of spending a fortune on Christmas for everyone but when it comes to me and hubby, we get a tub of chocolates between us. And we get the least money but we buy for everyone, every year. I know it's not about the money spent, but it's really opening my eyes as to what we mean to everyone. This has gone on for….well, forever. This year alone we've spent well over £500 each on three of our Grandkids. Their parents (we have two sons and two daughters in law) love to get on the phone and tell me what they've bought their own parents. Handbags, shoes, perfumes etc. Then tell me 'just got you a tub of sweets this year cos I can't think what to get you'. I feel like screaming at them because although we've always told them not to spend too much on us, I think we're worth more than a tub of chocolates between us. We've always been there for them. More than their own parents. We've taken out loans to pay stuff they can't afford or got into trouble with. I feel so unappreciated all the time. Two years ago my oldest came round and had bought me and his Dad a chocolate orange each. 99p. Then sat telling us he'd bought his father in law a new suit 'because he needs one' a few bottles of whisky and a matching gold chain and bracelet….and they were going shopping to get her Mam something nice. Then he left with over £500 worth of gifts for him, his wife, and the two kids. I ended up saying something to him in the New Year and we argued. I got called greedy and selfish. Then he posted on FB tagging his wife, saying 'glad to get rid of them scumbags' meaning me and his Dad. I was fuming and messaged him, saying it was disgusting after everything we do for them, and the post got removed. But I'd already seen it and knew that's what he thought of us, after spending all that money on his family and receiving a chocolate orange off them. Then we had a massive family fight. Caused by his wife. She got my other son and DIL involved and we stopped talking to them too. Basically, she went to my other DIL and told her a pack of lies about things I'd supposedly said. This annoyed me because the other DIL knows me well, and she knew if I had anything to say, I'd say it to her face. Not that I ever had to. But she knows I'm straight down the line and if I have a problem, I speak to the person I have the problem with. I don't go slagging them behind their backs. Oldest son stopped us seeing his two kids. Reasons? Because according to him, I 'talk about the other three grandkids more than I talk about his. I spend more money on them three than I do on his two. And I have them three more than I have his two'. All lies. All completely untrue. Just that week, I'd had his two kids every other day. I hadn't seen the other three for a week. All five got the same. If we bought for one, we bought for the other four. Last year I got a text message off the other DIL asking if we wanted to see her three. Told her of course we did. And for the past year we've been texting back and forth (being civil) and we basically get those three grandkids whenever we ask. I truly believe that she regrets believing everything the other DIL told her. Oh, just to add, both DILs hate each other. I mean, really hate each other. I know this because they've both told me. We haven't actually spoken about what was said cos to be honest, I don't want to know. It'll only make me angry. This DIL has been in my family for fifteen years now and she knows me, and I think she knows that everything she was told, was lies. So she's trying to be 'friends' with me again but after feeling so betrayed, I'm keeping her at arms length and things will never be the same again. Meantime, the kids have suffered. The other two more than these three because we get to see three of them but we haven't seen the other two for two years now. I miss them but try not to think about them because it hurts. Their parents spited their own kids because of pure jealousy. Those kids adored me and their Granda. The oldest boy isn't ours. He's our step grandson BUT, because he was taken off his real Grandparents, we told him that we would always be his real Grandparents now. No matter what happened. And we've treated him as our own since day one. I only mention this because, it's even worse that me and his Granda have no legal right to see him with him not being ours. But if we ever have to fight to see his sister, we'll fight for him too. But Christmas is harder for me and hubby every year now. It's hard not being able to see our grandkids and spoil them. And the fact that we don't talk to our own sons now. It wouldn't be so bad if we'd done something to deserve this! But the basis of us not seeing two of them is because we 'spent more on the other three, saw the other three more, and talked about the other three more'. All pathetic reasons for stopping us seeing the kids. I can't and won't forgive them for taking those kids off us. And I can tell by my own words, I'm starting to get wound up now. So will finish there. We do have Christmas eve to look forward to, seeing the other three. And I'm getting all three of them tomorrow cos their parents are 'sick of them' with it being holidays lol. I'm hoping the weather's nice so we can have a picnic and play in the garden. Just need to pull myself together and stop overthinking everything (as I often do). Just so sad we did the best we could and this is how we're repaid :(

Oh and anyone suggesting life is too short, is it not worth fighting to see the kids etc etc. This isn't the first time we've been stopped seeing those two. It's the EIGHTH time. We'd get to see them one day, three days later I'd get accused of saying or doing something else. Never anything 'big' or 'bad'. Just the same basic accusation. I had the other three yesterday but didn't ask for his two. I talked about the oldest Granddaughter too much. I bought one of them something and left the other four out. All lies. And I can't spend the rest of my life fighting things that aren't happening. It's just so wrong that we were good parents to our own boys, fantastic grandparents to all five kids, and we got them taken off us for no reason. It just sucks. We never deserved this.

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Comments

Luchia

Hey

Can’t really help with the family drama but I can give some advice with the gifts.

I know your are just been nice and that clearly shows but £500 each seems a quite excessive when they don’t appear to even appreciate it.

Maybe best to get them a gift card(Argos, Smyths, Amazon etc) and a chocolate orange each?(Voucher wise maybe £20-30?), If any of the Grandchildren play games you can buy vouchers to use as credit on the consoles digital store so they could buy some games or expansions for the games they currently play etc.

Give each Grandchild the same and with the voucher they can pick something they want or put it towards something they want, As for the adults I would say cut way way back on what you buy them, possibly some smellies, socks, chocolates and a nice card etc, They are adults now so they can’t really expect to be overly spoilt like children at Xmas.

As the saying goes “you don’t know what you’ve got until it’s gone” well it’s time for them to see just how generous you have been each year and showing little to no appreciation back.

Christmas is about giving not receiving but I think it’s extremely insulting to give you and your husband a chocolate orange and then brag about the expensive gifts they are giving others.

The small fortune your going to save I would suggest buying yourself and your husband a nice gift each or even put it towards a nice holiday etc for the both of you.

It sounds like both you and your husband are wonderful people and very generous but it also sounds like your generosity is been taken advantage of or not appreciated as it should be.

michael57

https://forum.scope.org.uk/discussion/comment/933137#Comment_933137

this is my answer of the day award post and its what i have done for years and years a simple card with a 20 pound note treat them all the same

Venus_Cee

Thankyou both. I was nervous about posting this because you often hear people saying, there's no smoke without fire. But in this case, it's been a spark that lit the fire. I know where I went wrong. But, I'd rather not speak to my kids for the rest of their life than have gone the other way. See, I was mentally and physically abused through my childhood. My mother hated my guts from the second I was born, and beat me daily throughout my youth. Degraded me and embarrassed me in front of everyone. Even into my teens. So when I left, and started my own family, I vowed never to lift a finger to my kids. And I never did. They never even got shouted at. They got sat down and spoken to when they did something wrong and I never sweated the bigger stuff. I cut the line of abuse. I was later to find out, this had gone on for generations! My nana was abusive. Her mother was abusive to her. And my great great Nana was abusive too…..don't know how far back it went but it was in the family line. All abusers. And I stopped it. My kids went on to have their own and as far as I know, have never lifted a finger to their kids. So I'm proud of myself for that. At the same time, I must have spoiled them too much for them to do what they've done to me. But like I say, I'd rather never speak to them again, than be an abuser. Oh also, they know for a fact me and their Dad would never lay a finger on any of our grandkids….which is why we see the other three as much as we do. They're older now anyway but am sure would tell their parents if we ever did 😉 14, 12 and 7 years old. I don't think I've ever told any of them off. Even quietly. They're all perfect angels to me lol. Mind you, I have been blamed a few times for their behaviour at home when they act up. 'It's your fault! You spoil them when they're with you!' But I just laugh to myself and say 'so you want me to beat them so they'll hate me, like I hated my mother?' but I tell them over and over again, they're just kids. All kids push their boundaries 😋

As for spending on the kids, that's the only pleasure I get. Seeing their faces light up when I get them what they want, which their parents can't afford. Just to add…I never buy without consulting their parents first, to make sure it's okay for us to do. And as far as I know, they're always okay with it. They'd tell me if they didn't want me to get certain things. Mind you, the oldest son always told me 'no pens, pencils, play doh, slime, or anything that makes a noise or needs batteries'. Which was basically code for 'don't buy anything cheap!' but he says it was because he didn't want carpets ruined or walls drawn on. So instead, I do buy those things and keep them at my house for when they're here. They can draw all over my walls and sticky my carpets up as much as they like, as long as they have fun.

I do believe that, if my kids were hypnotised and forced to say what they think of me and their Dad, they would tell the truth. We were always there for them. We did what we could. We were good parents and grandparents. It's just the fact they want more than I can give. Most grandparents never see their grandkids. We had ours almost every day. We did what we could. And that's what hurts most. Having them snatched off us when we did nothing to deserve it. I must admit I do feel more for the boy that isn't ours because he was snatched away from his real Dad….and his real Grandparents. When he came to us, he was lost. He had no idea who his real family were. I'll tell something now that I find hard to type because I end up in tears every time I think about it. He was five when we got him. He'd been brainwashed into believing his real Dad was evil. He even called him his 'naughty Daddy'. When we first got him, we had our other grandkids and they all just ran around the house, playing. They got on really well! My other two (at the time because we got the two girls later) kept calling for 'nana and granda' and he accidentally called me Nana. I smiled and he hesitated, then said 'is it okay if I call you Nana?' I told him 'of course it is! I am your Nana now….' and he loved that. He came one day and asked 'Nana? Why is there no photos of me on your walls? Just Lexie and Leon?' (he's called Leon too) and I told him 'because we haven't got any of you, yet'. We took some photos there and then, had them printed out and put on the wall. He was happy. Then he came to us and said 'How are Lexie and Leon your real Grandkids but I'm not?' I told him, because they have my blood. Their Dad's have my blood, so they have my blood too'. He asked how he could 'get' my blood. He asked if I could get some blood and put it into him (sweet and innocent) so he could be properly my Grandson. Instead, I got a certificate printed out stating 'Leon Ethan is now officially my Grandson' and I presented him with it a couple weeks later. That little boy broke down in tears which caused me to start bubbling my eyes out too. Does that sound like a little boy who should be taken from us? It was just cruel what they did. Kids should never be involved in arguments. I haven't seen him or my Granddaughter for the past two years and it kills me. But they do see their cousins (other three) now and again and I know they'll tell them when they're older, we tried to see them but were refused. Worst of it is, the last thing the little girl said to me was 'my Mam says I remind her of you….she says I look and act just like you do and I'm glad because I love you so much!' Mind you, the oldest girl is very much like me too. In fact I often get told by her mother that she takes after me in everything we do. We're so close too. And she sent me a text a few nights ago that made me smile and cry at the same time. Her words were 'he knows about how similar I am to you and that we're super close' (talking about her boyfriend who she wants to bring meet me next weekend). So for the kids to be that close to me, I must be doing something right! ❤️

Venus_Cee

Thankyou for reading this. The minute I hit post, I felt relief. I know I'm finding it tough when I should have my babies around me, especially this time of year. But they'll come looking for me and their Granda when they're older. I do know that for a fact. They were 10 and 6 when we lost them. Old enough to remember we were good to them xxx

Sandy_123

Hi @Venus_Cee sorry to read about your problems, writing it down can help loads, it's a shame because I can see that your a great nan , grandma. Hopefully it works out for you

Venus_Cee

@michael57 I wish it was that simple. If I'd given them all a gift card or £20, I'd have had the kids taken off me years ago and called stinjy, selfish and the worst Nana 😂 That's the problem you see. My sons think I have an orchard of money trees in the garden. They think me and their Dad should starve, so we can provide for them. And both sons are in their mid to late 30s now.

Wish they'd had the kind of Christmas's I had as a kid. Second hand everything. Games with pieces missing from jumble sales. But we were grateful for what we got. I told my youngest Granddaughter (she's seven) that when I was little, I got a stick off a tree, and a satsuma for Christmas when I was a kid because I was so poor. I was laughing when I said it, thinking she'd find it funny. I also told her we lived in a tiny house with no roof and we had to share our clothes, one of us went to school wearing them and the next day, one of my brothers had to go to school wearing my dress. The older two were listening and they were giggling and laughing, knowing I was joking. But the little one went to school and told her teacher!! 😂 I got a letter off her teacher (her report) saying something along the lines of 'Layna was almost crying when she told me you got a stick and an orange when you were her age'. I had to ring the school and tell her teacher I was just trying to make her laugh. She said she knew it must have been a joke because she also told her about my brothers having to wear dresses for school. Think that's why the kids love coming here to talk, cos I tell them daft things that make them laugh ;)

michael57

i myself come from a large family sharing a tin bath by the open fire once a week 6 of us i had to wear dresses to school when my legs were plastered to the knees sifting through the potatoes meant for the cattle i get more pleasure from getting a box of tea bags from my grown up kids than something that costs 500 quid spend it on yourself and hubby

Venus_Cee

@michael57 Those were probably the best days of our lives. I remember the tin baths. And the coal fires. There were seven of us. Two parents, four brothers and me. All using the same water. No worries about debts. This is why I want my Grandkids to stay kids for as long as possible. But they grow up far too fast these days :(

michael57

haha trouble is the kids now want a thousand pound phone just to keep up with there friends and so it goes on the more you have the more you want and sadly most parents give in to them