Hi everyone,
I hope it’s okay for me to share this here as the partner of someone with a disability.
I understand that this community is primarily a space for disabled people, and I want to be respectful of that. I’m not here to complain about my girlfriend’s disability or suggest that it’s the cause of all our relationship difficulties.
I’m hoping to hear from people who might relate to my experiences, as well as disabled people who could offer a different perspective. I’m genuinely trying to understand my feelings better and learn from others.
I’ve been hesitant to post this, but I’ve decided to go ahead and try this. I’m not looking for judgment, just some understanding and maybe people who can relate to what I’m going through.
I’m posting here because many of you know what it’s like to live with a disability, and because I’ve been struggling to find a place where I can talk about this. People with disabilities can often find support and understanding in communities, but there seem to be far fewer spaces for their partners.
Throughout these 8 years, I’ve never really felt understood by people outside our relationship. My girlfriend understands me when we talk about these things, but apart from her, I don’t know anyone in my personal life who has a visible disability or is in a relationship with someone who does.
Over the past few months, I’ve been feeling increasingly alone, almost as if I’m the only person experiencing these feelings. Whenever I try to bring it up, people usually tell me that I chose this relationship myself. And they’re right, I did. But that doesn’t really help me when I’m trying to figure out how to deal with what I’m feeling now.
I’m in my early thirties and I’ve been with my girlfriend for 8 years. She was born with a visible disability. She’s independent in many ways and has a regular job. I’m not without my own challenges either. I was also born with a physical condition, although mine is much less noticeable, especially because it’s hidden under clothing. I know that’s not comparable to what she experiences on a daily basis, but I’m not looking at everything entirely from the outside either.
We’ve always had good times together, and we still do. But our relationship has also had some major ups and downs, partly because of my doubts.
I also want to make it clear that not every difficulty or argument in our relationship is related to her disability. Just like any other couple, we sometimes clash because of our personalities, differences in how we think, communicate, or react to certain situations. We both have our own flaws and things we struggle with. Some arguments have absolutely nothing to do with her disability, and I don’t want to give the impression that it’s the cause of every problem in our relationship. It isn’t.
That being said, my doubts aren’t constantly there. They come and go. There are periods when everything is going well and I barely think about them. During those times, our relationship just feels good and natural.
But sometimes something happens, often even something small, that suddenly makes me realize how much I’ve had to adjust over the years, how many things I’ve sometimes had to do or give up, or how much my life has changed in ways I didn’t even consciously notice.
These are things I normally don’t think about anymore because, after all these years, they’ve simply become part of everyday life.
In those moments, my doubts come back and things become more difficult. What I probably struggle with the most is the fact that, even after 8 years, I still have these moments. Sometimes I wonder whether those feelings will ever completely go away.
At the same time, there are also long periods when I feel genuinely happy in our relationship and those doubts are much less present.
We’ve broken up a few times over the years. Right now, she feels ready to take the next steps in our relationship, such as officially moving in together and/or getting married. I don’t really see myself taking those steps at the moment, or at least I don’t feel the same need to. And that creates a lot of uncertainty between us.
After a pretty intense argument, we decided together to start seeing a couples therapist. My girlfriend often wonders whether things would be easier for me if I were with someone who didn’t have a disability. I’m honestly not sure that’s the case.
My doubts are more about not knowing whether I can fully commit to her, 100%, and whether I can take the steps toward a future together that she wants us to take.
I love her, but her disability does sometimes make certain things more complicated, or means we have to approach them differently.
In the past, I used to do a lot of things for her, both consciously and unconsciously. Over time, those things became automatic. Nobody was asking me to do them, and they were often just small everyday things. But eventually, I started feeling like I had to take care of a lot on my own, and it began to weigh on me.
After discussing this in therapy, things have started to change. My girlfriend has been making more of an effort to do things herself. She’s also realized that she’s capable of doing much more than she may have previously thought. She’s now taking on more things independently, without me having to be there or automatically step in to help. That has honestly been a relief for me.
Another difficult part is my family, especially my parents. Even after all these years, they still struggle with my relationship. They do try, but I can feel that something isn’t quite right. I have a close relationship with my parents, and I really don’t want to lose that.
After 8 years, my girlfriend still hasn’t met my entire family, including my cousins. My parents’ discomfort has also made me more uncertain about things. Because of that, I often find myself worrying about how other people might react. It hurts to admit that I no longer seem to have that “I don’t care what anyone thinks” attitude as strongly as I wish I did.
I often feel like I’m the bridge between everyone, trying to keep things together and make everyone comfortable. And that’s exhausting.
Being out in public was also really difficult for me during the first few years of our relationship. It opened my eyes to just how cruel and insensitive people can be. Grown adults pointing, staring, or not even making an effort to understand her. It used to make me really angry. Sometimes I’d stare right back at them. Over the years, that anger has faded somewhat. Those situations still happen, but I react less strongly now and I’ve learned to handle them better.
And here’s something I find especially difficult to admit. Sometimes I wonder whether things would be easier with someone else. Whether certain aspects of life would be less complicated, or whether I’d have to take fewer things into consideration in everyday situations.
But at the same time, I genuinely believe I would miss her. Not just her as a person, but maybe even those little automatic things I’ve grown so used to doing over the years. Both feelings exist at the same time.
Sometimes I feel really good about our relationship and mainly see everything we’ve built together. Other times, I’m suddenly reminded of the things that are more difficult or different compared to other relationships. And that’s when those doubts come back.
I don’t want to push those feelings away or pretend they don’t exist. I mainly want to understand why they keep coming back, even after all these years, and how I can learn to deal with them.
I’m hoping to hear from people who can relate to any of this, or who have approached similar situations differently.
More than anything, I’d like to understand what these experiences look and feel like from your perspective, because sometimes I feel like I’m trying to navigate all of this without really knowing how things look from the other side.
Thanks for taking the time to read this.
