Mental health issues
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sam12sam12 Posts: 1,338 Member
No one comment on my poem but only put it on instead any reason why no comment i took effort to do this 
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  • Adrian_ScopeAdrian_Scope Testing team Posts: 7,934

    Scope community team

    Hi @sam12, I’m not sure I’ve seen your poem. Would you share it again in case I’ve missed it? 
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  • sam12sam12 Posts: 1,338 Member
      Everything is bad in life
    Why is no one want to love me
    Why am i bullied
    Am treated like trash
    Should I wear a bin liner
    My head written Sam trash
    Am alone afraid and scared
    I kant think of how i feeling right now
    I kant trust people
    Am neglected
    I feel trapped in my home
    People promise me
    Never see it actually happen
    Am sure i be in my grave before am 50
    Then everyone be happy when my time comes
    People shouldn't bully or mock people with mental health
    Not a illness to joke about
    But no one cares if i live or die
    People want to play on my feelings
    Feeling not a game to play with
    Mayb a dark cold place is waiting for me
    Because my world is closing in
    Cause no outside fun for me 
  • Hart86Hart86 Member Posts: 394 Pioneering
    You’re not trash @sam12!!! Nice poem though, did it take long?
    Donyou write much other poetry or write down how you feel at all?? It can be really good to get it out and share
  • sam12sam12 Posts: 1,338 Member
    2 mins it took me to do and write it from mind. I did many but lost them still usve some avail. This police investigation takin so long. I mo way of knowing if he in office 
  • Adrian_ScopeAdrian_Scope Testing team Posts: 7,934

    Scope community team

    It’s a really emotive poem @sam12, thank you for sharing it with us. Did writing down your feelings help you with them at all?
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  • sam12sam12 Posts: 1,338 Member
    No its from the mind directly as i was writing down 2 min it took me. 
  • Chloe_ScopeChloe_Scope Scope Posts: 10,652 Disability Gamechanger
    It's a really powerful piece Sam! Thanks for sharing it with us :)
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  • sam12sam12 Posts: 1,338 Member
    Yes i think I did another last nite. Its good to do when the right mind is in control to a hewrt felt poem. Am crying again he unlock my number i manage to msg bf still on goin investigation. Am really goin shout at him wen he calls me. Support worker on holiday again. No one available. I want to visit my mum badly no one to help me am. Worried she die and i not seen her in over decade wat can I do 
  • sam12sam12 Posts: 1,338 Member
    Cold n alone
    Curled up in a corner
    Tissues are out
    Tears dont stop
    Every day it hurts
    The buckets fill up
    My bf not around to dry my eyes
    Sad and afraid kant reach out to bf.
    Am in fear of how he is
    I want a cuddle but kant get one
    Fear of being abandoned
    Fear of my future
    Fear endless days alone
    Just want to stay Curled up ina corner
    Family fail me they dont kare
    Dr's don't understand they don't treat me right
    Mh don't understand my life
    No one does
    Waiting for my last night on earth but dont know when
    No other escape unless my bf rescues me

  • Chloe_ScopeChloe_Scope Scope Posts: 10,652 Disability Gamechanger
    Hi @sam12, I cannot imagine how difficult it is having not seen your mum for so long! Thank you for another really interesting piece! Have you wrote poems before?


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  • sam12sam12 Posts: 1,338 Member
    First time colour i worried. My hair in bad condition because of withdrawal dry damage no oil. Not growing as it should. I used a temporary dye not a colour I ever used cherry red i anxiously waiting to wswh off
  • Chloe_ScopeChloe_Scope Scope Posts: 10,652 Disability Gamechanger
    I hope the hair dye goes well @sam12!  
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  • sam12sam12 Posts: 1,338 Member
    It beautiful colour lol
  • Chloe_ScopeChloe_Scope Scope Posts: 10,652 Disability Gamechanger
    I'm glad you like it! How is the chocolate?
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  • sam12sam12 Posts: 1,338 Member
    Back in fridge not stuffing it down like box i had other day felt sick lol
  • sam12sam12 Posts: 1,338 Member
    Remember I told u she moved out the work men are in flat. God know who next to move in hope they not noisy omg. Don't law say that u hwve have to wait on housing list to get something else very odd she out fast enough i think she been evicted usually u have to wait on housing nothing wrong with her to get luxury move. 
  • Chloe_ScopeChloe_Scope Scope Posts: 10,652 Disability Gamechanger
    At least that gives you chance to eat chocolate another day :)

    I hope it is someone nice who moves in next!
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  • sam12sam12 Posts: 1,338 Member
    Next week no chocolate burying as I kant really buy it. Yesterday i buy a Ali dress absolutely a bargain 
  • sam12sam12 Posts: 1,338 Member
    not my usual style 
  • Chloe_ScopeChloe_Scope Scope Posts: 10,652 Disability Gamechanger
    Well I guess you've got that bar of chocolate you can save :)
    We did get your poem, thank you. I do love that dress! A lovely colour and pattern! 
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  • Ami2301Ami2301 Member Posts: 7,447 Disability Gamechanger
    A lovely dress to wear for the summer @sam12 :) is red your favourite colour?
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  • sam12sam12 Posts: 1,338 Member
    8.30 tp buy copy pic and scan on Ali it find it for u black and navy to. Did u like my poem 
  • sam12sam12 Posts: 1,338 Member
    Well all my dresses amounted to over 300 all brand new omg. Least i get to wear one day wen am better probably benzo weight be back to normal guess could be dramatic weight loss not big it muscle loss no tone causing it am only skinny person which wilp return prob my cloths hang but i could sell them easy not lose out just buy more. Bf investigation still goin on i manage to txt him again he let me ringing but he not picking up. He had it wen i speak to him he nawty lol
  • sam12sam12 Posts: 1,338 Member
    Purple and pink at moment is green  yellow and orange but i Kant wear any am housebound
  • sam12sam12 Posts: 1,338 Member
    I got green in style at the moment 
  • Adrian_ScopeAdrian_Scope Testing team Posts: 7,934

    Scope community team

    Thanks for the poem Sam. 
    Sorry you can’t get outside with your new dresses. I like the red one you posted the pic of, but it’s not something I’d wear myself!  :D
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  • sam12sam12 Posts: 1,338 Member
    Not my normal style either but trying it won't harm me if don't look right I sell it
  • Ami2301Ami2301 Member Posts: 7,447 Disability Gamechanger
    I'm not much of a dress person myself @sam12 but thank you for the offer! My favourite colour is green :)
    Disability Gamechanger - 2019
  • Hart86Hart86 Member Posts: 394 Pioneering
    sam12 said:
    Purple and pink at moment is green  yellow and orange but i Kant wear any am housebound
    Just because you’re stuck inside at the moment and no one will see, doesn’t mean you can’t dress up! Dress for yourself @sam12! You clearly love these dresses so wear them now! Xx
  • sam12sam12 Posts: 1,338 Member
    I like clothes alot I so many. Also leggings I like 
  • sam12sam12 Posts: 1,338 Member
    I don't like wearing my clothes in doors I don't feel comfortable pj's best for relaxation 
  • Chloe_ScopeChloe_Scope Scope Posts: 10,652 Disability Gamechanger
    I can understand that pj's are more comfortable at the moment! I have a favourite pair that is extra cosy!
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  • Ami2301Ami2301 Member Posts: 7,447 Disability Gamechanger
    I am obsessed with leggings, everytime I go to Primark I have to buy 5 pairs at a time, I've lost count how many I actually have now! That reminds me, I need to buy some more!
    Disability Gamechanger - 2019
  • sam12sam12 Posts: 1,338 Member
    I to wait to get pip b4 I buy more 
  • Ami2301Ami2301 Member Posts: 7,447 Disability Gamechanger
    How you feeling today @sam12?
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  • sam12sam12 Posts: 1,338 Member
    Upset and worried. I need to talk to someone about something voice to voice it worrying me 
  • Ami2301Ami2301 Member Posts: 7,447 Disability Gamechanger
    Is there someone you can call? Or someone you can get in contact with who can phone you?
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  • Adrian_ScopeAdrian_Scope Testing team Posts: 7,934

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    Is this anything our helpline could help with @sam12? As always, you can give them a call on 0808 800 3333.
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  • sam12sam12 Posts: 1,338 Member
    Is there anyone do face to face talks about my problems am facing social absolutely useless am cracking up to much worryin
  • sam12sam12 Posts: 1,338 Member
    No one I tired they useless 
  • sam12sam12 Posts: 1,338 Member
    My withdrawal made my muscle look un toned and wastage. Vitamin d issue. Am takin multi vitamin to tone up muscles. Will my normal weight and hair return to normal after withdrawal complete proacted withdrawal. My arms still loose no tone. Am only a skinny person. I known other gain weight then return am worried. Also my social worker not returning my calls I got no one take me to see my mum in care home.. My bf phn still hacked because he left me rinign him he not picking up I msg him then a pop up came up so rather dodgy investigation they ruined our chats my life to I want to. Move with him. H know am angry and upset. Oh that wicked woman was under me she moved to Ormskirk chemist driver told me thank god she gone my sleep to late at nite midnight I get to sleep to late for me though 
  • Ami2301Ami2301 Member Posts: 7,447 Disability Gamechanger
    Unfortunately we cannot advise about vitamins as we are not medical professionals but this would be something you need to speak to your GP about. I hope you get a much better sleep tonight!
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  • sam12sam12 Posts: 1,338 Member
    I know that I wonder if any one else has withdrawal same issues 
  • sam12sam12 Posts: 1,338 Member
    Anyone tried shower gel love hearts smells like the sweets and very nice in the bath freshing by imperial leather Highly recommended. Who likes Bath bombs I kant find mine over 100 or more all boxed up for moving. Cherry bake well good. Shower gel in it to.. 
  • Adrian_ScopeAdrian_Scope Testing team Posts: 7,934

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    My sister makes bath bombs actually. They always smell delicious. I think my favourite one she makes is one with a lemon zest fragrance.
    Really hungry now you've mentioned Cherry Bakewell though. :disappointed:
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  • sam12sam12 Posts: 1,338 Member
    Meant bath bake well. I do soap making though they amazing to not done for a while due to lack of money 
  • Ami2301Ami2301 Member Posts: 7,447 Disability Gamechanger
    I have love hearts handwash and it makes me feel nostalgic everytime I wash my hands! I do like the Cola battles scented one too! I've never had a bath bomb.
    Disability Gamechanger - 2019
  • sam12sam12 Posts: 1,338 Member
    Had cola one. I like trying new things it fun. I do lasagna to no one made my old Dr said it was very beautiful and healthy takes me all nite to make been a while thou learnt myself to make one. I do a spaghetti bol to its delious unusual style but it healthy. I used a filling on a jacket potato to. 
    Feeling stressed out. My social worker is lousy and support worker. One day I bin them off. My bf still has mobile investigations 
  • sam12sam12 Posts: 1,338 Member
    Bath bombs are difficult to do it messy to nitemare doin the mixture oh heck 
  • Ami2301Ami2301 Member Posts: 7,447 Disability Gamechanger
    I stay away from the kitchen, I cannot cook anything! I burned baked beans once 😂 sorry to hear you're feeling stressed out, have you made any crafts lately?
    Disability Gamechanger - 2019
  • atlas46atlas46 Member Posts: 827 Pioneering
    Hi @sam12

    Love this thread and your beautiful poems.

    Stay strong and you will get what you want.

    I love chocolate!!
  • sam12sam12 Posts: 1,338 Member
    Thank you. I b happy wen I get my pip speak to my bf and move home get rud of bad times from this area and family start new life marriage to
  • Ami2301Ami2301 Member Posts: 7,447 Disability Gamechanger
    What stage of the PIP process are you at @sam12? How did you sleep?
    Disability Gamechanger - 2019
  • sam12sam12 Posts: 1,338 Member
    I live on stuff made. Kant be around sharp things in case I harm myself. Very rare I decide to make lasagna I don't feel safe even cooking I burn myself I live simple easy way. U b careful to
  • sam12sam12 Posts: 1,338 Member
    Tribunal Nov bad no money yet. Sleep bad but getting some thou
    I had no choice to record social worker am being treated bad i keeping it I had social worker took me to see my dad in morgue not won't take me see mum while alive she could die with her problems he bad I not asking for taxi service this outrageous 
  • Chloe_ScopeChloe_Scope Scope Posts: 10,652 Disability Gamechanger
    Morning @sam12! I too am clumsy in the kitchen, it's not very fun is it! I know it must be difficult not been able to see your mum, when did you last ask your social worker?
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  • Adrian_ScopeAdrian_Scope Testing team Posts: 7,934

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    Do you think you'll be attending the tribunal @sam12
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  • sam12sam12 Posts: 1,338 Member
    Of course I want to am losing out on back pay no choice but to attend mh said they can help with that am. Still worrying I don't trust them 
  • sam12sam12 Posts: 1,338 Member
    Spoke to socal worker before they only get paid to sit and talk nothing else soon bf calls me we be moving to hell with there services and when I get pip I will donate here help the charity to keep goin and to diabetes UK for bf to
  • sam12sam12 Posts: 1,338 Member
    On a warm summer day
    Alone and afraid
    Relaxin
    Feeling sad
    My mind is numb
    I feel lost inside
    Don't know what to do
    This benzo withdrawal is hell
    It's taking control of me
    I don't know what to do
    The pain been so bad
    The symptoms are crazy
    The withdrawal hell
    Tormented by the anxiety
    Tormented by bullies
    I just want to be happy
    People don't like me happy
    What can i do and say
    My family waiting for me to die
    Am not allowed on this earth
    Am still waiting my boyfriend to call
    It sending me crazy
    When will it all end
    I want to be happy
    All I want to to is love my boyfriend
    Nothing more than I want to walk down the alise
    To say yes I do
    Hell is waiting dwp don't care
    We left bearly anything to live on
    Pip just as bad 
    Every day is hell waiting for miracle
    Only important to me now is
    My bf to love and hold
    Say goodbye to dwp esa

  • sam12sam12 Posts: 1,338 Member
    Made a call to drs 8am not a call come omg this is crazy am treated terribly I will be making a complaint 
  • sam12sam12 Posts: 1,338 Member
    Any one like new poem not a comment on it 
  • Adrian_ScopeAdrian_Scope Testing team Posts: 7,934

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    How long have you been off the benzo now Sam?
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  • sam12sam12 Posts: 1,338 Member
    Since 2011 still sufferin proacted still issues though worse mistake meeting my husband but I wouldn't of meet my bf now I don't regret bf thou 
  • Ami2301Ami2301 Member Posts: 7,447 Disability Gamechanger
    Sorry @sam12 for not replying sooner, been writing a lot today. A very powerful poem you have created! Have you always liked poetry?
    Disability Gamechanger - 2019
  • sam12sam12 Posts: 1,338 Member
    Only few years learning more enjoyable good time wen ur not well express how it feels inside people say it strong but very dark 
  • sam12sam12 Posts: 1,338 Member
    Made a formal complaint to nhs commission about Dr failing to call me today am already at my lowest today because it would of been my child birthday today he or she be 26 if this bad enough to deal with hunts me every year. Am fed up with being neglected by drs mh social worker and support worker. Not able to talk to bf. Coping with family abuse. My health to I serious kant deal with anymore I just want to be better. 
  • sam12sam12 Posts: 1,338 Member
    No one to turn to my anxiety very out of control making me very upset am terrified alone. No Dr that give a damn about my health am ready for a break down. Am struggling with sleep. I need meds kant get them making me suicidal feel am goin to explode out am getting very upset 
  • sam12sam12 Posts: 1,338 Member
    Will anyone talk to me on the phn am not in good mind my anxiety ready to explode big think I be ready for break down my system shaking sleeping really effected badly thinking bad things that on goin not suicide attempt 
  • Adrian_ScopeAdrian_Scope Testing team Posts: 7,934

    Scope community team

    edited July 2019
    Good morning @sam12.
    I’m sorry you’ve reeling so bad.
    Our helpline (08088003333) opens at 9am this morning. But in the meantime, you could call Samaritans (116 123) who can talk things through with you.  

    You can also talk to us on here, or by email if you prefer it to be more private? 
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  • atlas46atlas46 Member Posts: 827 Pioneering
    Hi @sam12

    Please phone your GP, so they can support you.

    Stay safe, my dear friend.
  • [Deleted User][Deleted User] Posts: 587 Listener
    I was just about to suggest the Samaritans and then I saw Adrian's post! I've used their email option before, it can take a bit for them to respond because they are helping other people but they do always respond.
  • sam12sam12 Posts: 1,338 Member

    I rang yesterday Dr for a call not a call come then I txt at nite they did not call me I rang up I said I made call time with Dr he looked at call list someone removed my name I have the call photo that I rang yesterday. I wait on a dr call am sick of it. My anxiety isn't good it over powering me I kant stick it withdrawal mucus not helping me am gagging I think infection again. I missin my bf making me unwell to. And something from the past is hunting me yesterday I never can forget the experience of it 
  • sam12sam12 Posts: 1,338 Member
    Who does he think he is bossing me around old Dr from other practice wanting me to get new Dr I was in this practice b4fore him because he from. Old surgery I had to make a formal complaint against another Dr he using this against me because am in new practice he kant do that I had enough am not bothering with drs anymore 
  • sam12sam12 Posts: 1,338 Member
    edited July 2019
    In the life of mental health
    Age 16 diagnosed with unstable
    Borderline personality disorder
    Don't know who I am
    All very scary
    Moods are intense
    This horrible illness damaging my mind
    I get scared of people
    I find every day unable to function or lead a Normal life
    No one wants me
    People think am crazy
    People bully me
    To scared in my mind
    Trapped inside I don't feel normal
    Deep down it don't
    I kant deal with changes
    Kant deal with multiple changes in my mind
    People don't respect me
    Every day I fear of the episodes
    That hunt me in my mind
    Kant stick crowds
    I feel unsafe in places I don't know
    Fear of being out alone need that support of someone with me
    Why God give me this horrid illness
    Every day I lived I hated every day of my tortured life
    Why no one love me
    All I want is love
    Not being judged because i have a borderline personality disorder
    It's crippling at is it is without being bullied and neglected
    No one asked to be born to deal with mental health. One day it all end I don't know that day will arrive but someone pls love me not to. Judge my bpd
  • Chloe_ScopeChloe_Scope Scope Posts: 10,652 Disability Gamechanger
    Thank you for such a powerful piece @sam12, how has your weekend been?
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  • sam12sam12 Posts: 1,338 Member
    Did a survey online app they mentioned this charity I gave good feedback 
  • Chloe_ScopeChloe_Scope Scope Posts: 10,652 Disability Gamechanger
    Aw that's really lovely @sam12! Thank you for the feedback :)
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  • sam12sam12 Posts: 1,338 Member
    This is my protest cardigan I had Made around 1998 against culling the town pigeons I lot of work I did thou Eddie the pigeon 
  • sam12sam12 Posts: 1,338 Member
    Quite and no talking to anyone at all. Anxiety been up and down. This withdrawal weight increases in angles. Ot cause it working it way around out of wack my body. Investigation still on goin. I really getting angry who this hacker is serious my bf miss me to. I did a journel on him over wkend all kept private always will be though something to show him 
  • Chloe_ScopeChloe_Scope Scope Posts: 10,652 Disability Gamechanger
    Hi @sam12, I'm sorry to hear your anxiety has been up and down. How has your Monday been?
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  • sam12sam12 Posts: 1,338 Member
    Quite. Social worker not rang me typical of him. Fed up with being without bf. Did u see my cardigan was hand made for a protest long time ago no one comment on it😢
  • Chloe_ScopeChloe_Scope Scope Posts: 10,652 Disability Gamechanger
    Hi @sam12, I'm sorry your social worker never rang, had they arranged to?

    We never got the picture of your cardigan, would you like to send it again?
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  • sam12sam12 Posts: 1,338 Member
    I was meant to ring him I did call him had chat he listened to poems liked them said I was good. I will send pic of handmade cardigan 
  • Chloe_ScopeChloe_Scope Scope Posts: 10,652 Disability Gamechanger
    I'm glad he liked your poems :)
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  • Chloe_ScopeChloe_Scope Scope Posts: 10,652 Disability Gamechanger
    Morning @sam12, I'm sorry to hear you have had a bad night, that cannot have been easy. Do you have any plans for today? I have rainy weather where I am... almost perfect for films and blankets!
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  • sam12sam12 Posts: 1,338 Member
    I was on mh line free phn my landline rings twice dr surgery usual this time he definitely trying to get rid of me fast cheeky monster 
  • Chloe_ScopeChloe_Scope Scope Posts: 10,652 Disability Gamechanger
    Did you manage to ring the doctors back @sam12?
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  • sam12sam12 Posts: 1,338 Member
    Neurotic disorder on my medical notes I never had it before people goin think it bad treat me more worse 
  • sam12sam12 Posts: 1,338 Member
    Neurotic disorder people will be judging me  what wrong being Obsessed with a bf least I show I am inlove least am genuine towards him he loves me fuzzing over him 
  • Adrian_ScopeAdrian_Scope Testing team Posts: 7,934

    Scope community team

    edited July 2019
    HI @sam12
    In theory, the only people who'll see your medical records are medical professionals who shouldn't treat or judge you any differently, regardless of your diagnosis. If you want to reveal the contents to anyone else, that's your choice, but our opinion of you certainly hasn't changed and we wouldn't judge you any differently.

    How's your foot feeling today?
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  • sam12sam12 Posts: 1,338 Member
    Is it bad neurotic disorder 
  • sam12sam12 Posts: 1,338 Member
    Swelling again 
  • Adrian_ScopeAdrian_Scope Testing team Posts: 7,934

    Scope community team

    Hi @sam12. You seem a bit worried about about the diagnosis, has anyone spoken to you about it?

    Sorry your foot is swelling again! 
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  • sam12sam12 Posts: 1,338 Member
    No not at all. Bit alarming to me. Yes foot little swelling probably healing area 
  • Adrian_ScopeAdrian_Scope Testing team Posts: 7,934

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    I know it's easy for me to say, but try not to let it get to you. It's always hard to receive a new diagnosis or for doctors to use different terms, but it doesn't change who you are. 

    How is your week going so far?
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  • sam12sam12 Posts: 1,338 Member
    It not my normal diagnosis thou it the withdrawal that causing it. Like on med notes says blood pressure 146/86 now I don't suffer blood pressure only opposite. And sugar levels spikes not diabetic it withdrawal symptoms. Drs haven't a clue. Benzo causes false reading and gives u symptoms of disease that not real life symptoms only temporarily symptoms 
  • sam12sam12 Posts: 1,338 Member
    my salad lamb lettuce tomato and sardines in olive oil. Is this reasonable size to help me heal to normal health portion size 
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