3 yrs physically disabled now. When will my brain accept this?

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reenie

Before my spine gave up on me I used running to help control my mental health. 3 years later and I still physically crave going for a run. I can't even walk more than a few metres before my spine refuses to cooperate and my legs go to jelly. But my brain , my damn brain , can not accept this. I keep trying to beat my disability but instead end up in a worse state physically and mentally.
When does acceptance happen? When does that internal desperate plea for my old life disappear? 

Geoark

It took me a decade to accept that I had a disability, and even now I sometimes doubt it. Reality usually kicks in if I try to over do it, and usually quite hard.

I used to regularly walk 6 miles to work, do a 12 hour shift and walk home afterwards. On a good day now I might be able to do 1/4 mile before I start to struggle, and seriously struggle shortly after that. In the middle of the night when I cannot sleep my mind wanders off to some of the holidays I had as a young person. In some ways it is bitter sweet, bitter because I cannot do it, sweet because I had the joy of once being able to do these things and have the memories to fall back on.

After years of not having a holiday I enjoyed a few days on the Norfolk Broads with my daughter. But at the same time was not able to enjoy the quiet walks she was able to go on. At times I get angry because it always seems these special times together get ruined because of my back pain or breathing problems, but then I remind myself that what is important is giving my time to her, even though she is an adult.

These days if I stop and look at my body I feel ashamed of myself for letting it go, but keeping my weight between 15 and 16 stone is a struggle, though at one stage it did go up to 19 stone. 

I guess for me partial acceptance and peace came when I decided not to dwell on what has been, but look to what I have now and make the most of it. Sadly a big part of  that ended this evening (Monday night) as it was our AGM and I stood down as Chair and Board member because I simply don't have the capacity at this time for all it entails. On the bright side, I do have a job and studying towards doing a professional qualification, currently doing the foundation course. I started my journey with no qualifications and now hold several, including two Level 4 qualifications.

As I said, I still yearn for my old life sometimes, but my disability has allowed me to develop as a person in ways I would probably have never done had I still be able to function the way I used to.

There is nothing wrong with still pushing yourself, you just need to do it in a different way. Listen to what your body is telling you about itself on a daily basis, accept it has limitations and plan around those. If your back is feeling a lot worse take it easy for the day, on a good day don't push yourself to your physical limits, it will probably impact on the next day. A lot easier said than done and took me a few years to learn how to listen and learned the results of what happens when I ignore it.  I also found it made things easier by giving my life a different focus. 

In short, there are no easy answers and what has worked for me may not work for you. But I would say giving your mind something different to focus on would be a start in the right direction.