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Trans at 11?

Elm

My 11 year old is autistic and recently told us they are trans. I'm concerned about how much they can really know themselves given their autism.

From research I've found there are strong links to the neurodivergent and trans community and that they don't always view gender in the same way. I love them dearly and want to ensure I'm approaching things the right way.
I'm worried my child is jumping head-first into something that may not actually be them and ruin their own sense of self at the same time.

They have been under a counsellor for a number of years that has said they feel it's more than my child doesn't like themselves and are looking for reasons why and also said that it's very common in autistic females because they don't fit the stereotype and pin point the differences to wanting to be male or non-binary.

My other concern is that it seems to be a bit of a trend at the moment. My child has 6 other children in their school class that are also trans or non-binary and over 30 in their school year group. They also became close friends with a boy that is trans in their class who identifies as gay and only dates other boys. Then my child decided they were trans and now they're 'dating' as a gay male couple.

Being autistic they are very easily to convince of anything, they also read into everything and over analyse everything.

If they are trans then great, and I will support them. At the end of the day I just want them to be happy, whoever they are. I just worry that if they're not and are just confused that I will be doing more harm than good because these are the years we all spend finding out who we are and learning to become comfortable in our own bodies. I remember hating my body and being female at their age.

School have jumped right in with both feet and started using their new name and pronouns even before discussing with us.
I am using their chosen name but can't help but feel like we need more support with this.

Has anyone got any experience of their autistic pre-teen coming out as trans?

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Comments

Tori_Scope

Welcome to the community @elm

It's great to have you on board!

Thank you for posting so openly and honestly about this. I'm not a parent myself, so can't offer advice from that perspective.

That being said, as part of the LGBTQ+ community myself, it's great to hear that you're supportive of your child, and that you want the best for them. It's also good to hear that they have access to a counsellor, who is helping them to work through their feelings.

Does their counsellor specialise in supporting young people who are exploring their gender identity?

My personal view is that the best thing you can do is to support your child through what can be a long and difficult process. Giving them space and time to work out who they are, and how they identify, can only really be a positive thing in my view. Growing up is confusing and complicated, as you've touched on, but hopefully they'll work things out with time, and become comfortable with who they are. There might be some bumps along the way, but that's all part of the journey!

I've asked a few of my colleagues if they know of any good resources or organisations we could point you to, particularly relating to neurodiversity and gender.

forgoodnesssake

I am very interested in your comments about how quickly the school became active in using the chosen name etc. My brother's child at aged 12 and not with an autism diagnosis but with significant social anxiety issues, school refusal etc, then began to struggle with gender identity and almost immediately the school started to use the chosen alternate gender name and basically to bend over backwards to accommodate the gender issues BUT signally failing to help or support the mental health/anxiety issues in any meaningful way. The end result is that the young person has now moved schools and the difference is apparently incredible. They have also chosen to present, and self identify, in their original gender. They may be gay but it seems that they are probably not trans, but went through a very uncertain and anxious period where clearly they felt very out of synch and being trans looked like a possible reason...which the school immediately got on board with, but almost certainly to the detriment of the mental health issues. It is very complex.

Cartini

I`m sorry, but 11 is not an age where a person is old enough to "identify" with anything. It sounds to me that the school pushing the pronoun farce has been taken over by the "Wokiarty".

Society is crumbling because the tail is wagging the dog.

Tori_Scope

It can definitely be complex @forgoodnesssake! Using a chosen name and pronouns can often really improve a person's mental health, even if the way thye identify changes later on.

I think you're right that schools could certainly do a lot more to support students' mental health.

I hope that they feel more comfortable in their new school

lcs2008

I am new to this site and am also going through something similar with autism and gender identity. My daughter is nearly 18 and in the middle of an ASD assessment and when anxious (she has a weather phobia that mainly affects her anxiety) she comes out with autistic traits. She flaps her hands, walks on the spot, rocks and now has started chewing on toys or herself when she has a meltdown. I try to calm her down and be there for her but sometimes I am unable to go to work as she just wants me there. I just wish my employers supported parents better with this. She doesn't like me far away and is quite dependent on me being around. Sometimes she talks to me fine, sometimes she talks to me like she's a small child and doesn't go anywhere without her two favourite cuddly toys. Its like she regresses in age. Its just me and her. She doesn't see her dad often (and he's useless anyway) and her nan helps out when she can but they don't know about her gender dysphoria and she doesn't want them to know yet as she probably doesn't know how they will react, which if they did badly its their loss in my opinion. With trying to keep down 2 jobs to support us (as she is not in a position to go back to college or get a job) its tough. She also considers herself non-binary and wears a binder and lives in jumpers and leggings and at some stage would like to have top surgery. We have been referred about this too. I support her 100% with this. After all who wouldn't, they are your child. I love her with all my heart and sometimes cry at night hoping she cannot hear me when I feel hopeless where I try to get help and always hit a brick wall. Can anyone relate?

Tori_Scope

11 is not an age where a person is old enough to "identify" with anything

I'm not sure I'd quite agree with you there @cartini. Working out your identity is a journey, and can start at any age really. Many people, including children and young people, comfortably identify with the gender they were assigned at birth. Others don't. Of course, how people identify can change over time, and that's fine

Tori_Scope

It sounds as though things are quite challenging for you and your child @lcs2008. I hope that you and @elm will be able to make a connection

Are they receiving any support for their mental health at the moment? Have they had an assessment for autism?

It sounds as though this has taken its toll on your own wellbeing, too. It's important that you look after yourself, though I do appreciate you have responsibilities you need to fulfill. Have you spoken to anyone about your own mental health and wellbeing?

Tori_Scope

A few of my colleagues got back to me @elm, and suggested the following from their own experiences:

Gendered Intelligence - a trans-led organisation. Their helpline should be able to signpost to resources and their support groups might be of interest to you
Just Like Us - a great place to volunteer, and be part of a community. There's no pressure to know exactly who you are in terms of your identity, and there's a supportive WhatsApp group
FFLAG - run parent groups
Mermaids - have a hepline and online resources
Google groups in your local area, such as 'LGBTQ+ Leeds'
A book called The Gender Creative Child by Diane Ehrensaft

I'm wondering whether @leo_aces may be able to offer some insight on this too

lcs2008

Thank you @Tori_Scope. My daughter is on a waiting list for counselling but its 5 months. We have had one appointment but just waiting for the appointment with the paediatrician. I know I need to look after my own wellbeing and I am ok. I do have my boyfriend who is a great support to us both, so that helps.

Tori_Scope

That's good @lcs2008

A supportive partner can make all the different.

It's great that they're on the list for counselling, too. These things can take time, but it sounds like you're both taking all of the right steps!

Elm

Tori_Scope said:

A few of my colleagues got back to me @elm, and suggested the following from their own experiences:
Gendered Intelligence - a trans-led organisation. Their helpline should be able to signpost to resources and their support groups might be of interest to you
Just Like Us - a great place to volunteer, and be part of a community. There's no pressure to know exactly who you are in terms of your identity, and there's a supportive WhatsApp group
FFLAG - run parent groups
Mermaids - have a hepline and online resources
Google groups in your local area, such as 'LGBTQ+ Leeds'
A book called The Gender Creative Child by Diane Ehrensaft
I'm wondering whether @leo_aces may be able to offer some insight on this too

Thank you all for the advice and information so far. My child is still struggling and everything I read doesn't seem to follow what's been their journey but they can't open up to me. It's probably my fault as I always seem to say the wrong thing.
It also feels like a lot of these organisations are very set on accepting you must be trans and everyone supporting that, rather than like helping you explore and find out for certain. I'm not sure I'm wording that right but it seems organisations are very one-sided and there isn't much support for the early exploratory stuff. I'm probably wording this horribly I'm not good at writing down my thoughts and I hope no one is offended by anything I've written. I love my child more than anything in this world and will do anything for them. The most important thing to me is that they are happy.

rubin16

As someone with Autism I just think it takes us longer to discover who we are. Like during my teenage years I had some all consuming occupations like going all pagan and I still to this day don't know my sexuality and I am very confused with it all. Somedays I can be straight, somedays gay, somedays none, and I don't like physical touch or the thought of being sexual with someone so Asexual? idk. I'm 31 now and still act like a teenanger and can't have any responsibilities. Just the world is very confusing and hard to progress so its a daily battle.

I do know one thing though and that is if we have our mind set on something, it is literally all we want to do and will research and look into it at great detail but we have to figure out things ourselves, it could just be simply they like the other person so want to be exactly like them, or could be who they are.

L_Volunteer

You are welcome @Elm. It is the very least you deserve.

It sounds like you are hoping to find some organisations that are there to support you with exploring if you are transgender, rather than support you once you already know you are transgender.

Some resources I have found that might be able to help include:

I hope these might be at least semi-helpful. Would you like to also share a little bit with us about how you are coping with this at the moment?

Please don't hesitate to let us know if we can do anything else to support you. We are all here for you to listen to you and support you

Wibbles

I would be concerned at ".....They also became close friends with a boy that is trans in their class who identifies as gay and only dates other boys...."

When I was 11 - the word "date" meant a time of year

Should an 11 year old even be concerned about dating (another boy or girl) anyway ?

Teigr

Cartini said:

I`m sorry, but 11 is not an age where a person is old enough to "identify" with anything. It sounds to me that the school pushing the pronoun farce has been taken over by the "Wokiarty".
Society is crumbling because the tail is wagging the dog.

Schools do seem to be overly keen to 'affirm' children these days,I'm glad my two are grown up.

JessB

Hi,

I have just seen your post and wanted to add my experience. My partner has just turned 19, and he has Autism. He knows wholeheartedly that he is Trans, and he has done for a long time. His Autism made it harder for him to come out but he knew who he was from around the age of 2. Regarding your young person, I would say take it like this. What difference does it make apart from your child being happier to use a different name and pronouns? They might change their mind but that's ok. They are discovering who they are and they will need help doing that.

L_Volunteer

Thank you for sharing your experience with us @JessB. I am sure your experience will be invaluable for anyone experiencing anything similar

ShinySylveon

Teigr said:

Cartini said:

I`m sorry, but 11 is not an age where a person is old enough to "identify" with anything. It sounds to me that the school pushing the pronoun farce has been taken over by the "Wokiarty".
Society is crumbling because the tail is wagging the dog.

Schools do seem to be overly keen to 'affirm' children these days,I'm glad my two are grown up.

Because it’s shown to have a beneficial effect on the people they’re affirming? Are you being intentionally oblivious, or just looking for attention?

Elm

ShinySylveon said:

Teigr said:

Cartini said:

I`m sorry, but 11 is not an age where a person is old enough to "identify" with anything. It sounds to me that the school pushing the pronoun farce has been taken over by the "Wokiarty".
Society is crumbling because the tail is wagging the dog.

Schools do seem to be overly keen to 'affirm' children these days,I'm glad my two are grown up.

Because it’s shown to have a beneficial effect on the people they’re affirming? Are you being intentionally oblivious, or just looking for attention?

I'm really not happy with getting notifications to come and read a message this rude! There is no need for it and speaks of trying to get attention far more than someone sharing their thoughts!! You're clearly looking for an argument and your message is of no help and no use so what was the point of it?

Community_Scope

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