'People don't expect disabled people to have sex'
Image source, Tara Wilburn Photography
Image caption,
Dateability - a dating app for the disabled community - has produced its first wedding between Colin and Kaci LaFon
For anyone searching for romance these days, modern dating apps have revolutionised the way we go about finding a partner.
Whether it is Tinder, Hinge, Bumble or Grindr, there is something to cater for almost everyone - from casual liaisons to LGBTQ+ relationships.
However, some people with disabilities or chronic illnesses say mainstream dating apps can lead to discrimination.
In the words of Dean Chard, 29, from Bristol who has cerebral palsy: "People see my disability before they see me as a person."
In a dating landscape where judgements are made at a glimpse of a profile picture how do disabled people navigate this?
Thousands are now turning to platforms like Dateability - a dating app which its founders say is helping to break down the taboo of intimacy between people with disabilities.
It is one of a growing number aimed at disabled people, alongside services such as Hiki, Special Bridge and Dating4Disabled
Image source, Dean Chard
Image caption,
Dean Chard, who has cerebral palsy, said disabled people had the same dreams of love as everyone else
For someone with a disability, even a first date can be intimidating. Chard said he turned to Dateability after becoming frustrated with other dating apps.
"I'd experienced people unmatching me after learning I have cerebral palsy; being ignored or feeling as though they judged me solely because of my disability," he said.
"It can be disheartening, but it has shown me the importance of finding platforms where honesty is encouraged," he added. "It's a huge relief not to feel pressured about when or how to tell someone about my disability."
Chard said he believed that outdated stereotypes suggesting disabled people do not want, or deserve, romantic relationships or intimacy were unhelpful.
"That's simply not true," he said. "Disabled people have the same hopes, dreams and desires for love as everyone else."
Image source, Daniel Peake
Image caption,
Daniel Peake said there were difficult hurdles to jump through in the dating scene for people with autism
Daniel Peake, 26, from Cheltenham, was diagnosed with autism ten years ago and said he struggled with communication, eye contact and unfamiliar environments.
"For someone with my condition, [dating] is difficult due to hurdles to jump through.
"For me, it is preparation and planning, so I know every detail to understand what I am doing, where, when and how."
He has welcomed the Dateability app, saying it had enabled him to be honest and open about his disability.
Image caption,
Tom Lewis, from Taunton, is a user of the Dateability app
Tom Lewis, 43, from Taunton, Somerset, who has cerebral palsy, also said it had helped put users in touch with like-minded people.
"I like people like me," he said. "And I like using the [Dateability] app, which my carers help me to see.
"It also helps me as I'm gay," he added.
From dating app to marriage
The app has recently seen its first wedding between two US-based users of the site, Colin and Kaci LeFon.
"This app allowed me to meet my best friend in the world," said Kaci.
"From the start, none of the conversation was about our limits but what we can do together," she said.
Colin agreed that meeting his wife through the app "flipped the awkward health condition conversation to one of listening and understanding".
"This unlocked a deeper connection from the start. Our relationship blossomed around all of our conditions and allowed us to support each other along the way," he said.
Challenging stereotypes
Dateability co-founder Jacqueline Child said people with disabilities and chronic illnesses often encountered ableism on other dating apps.
"'People don't expect disabled people to have sex," she said.
"We understand the unique circumstances that present when dating with a disability, which is why we created a safe and accepting space to create meaningful connections for people with physical, intellectual and psychiatric disabilities."
Jacqueline developed a chronic illness aged 14 and said she had experienced discrimination herself using mainstream dating apps.
"I would either be rejected straightaway, or people would say offensive things like, 'don't ever have biological children', or I would be told I was a burden, or that their families wouldn't approve of them dating a disabled person," she said.
Image caption,
Sisters Jacqueline and Alexa Child, based in America, started Dateability in 2022
It was her sister, Alexa Child, who suggested starting a tailored dating app, which she believes is the beginning of a wider movement.
"We want disability and intimacy to become less taboo, if not taboo at all," said Alexa.
A spokesperson for Match Group, which owns mainstream apps such as Tinder and Hinge, said "significant" investment had been made in tools to stop abusive behaviour.
"We know that broader societal biases can surface in any social environment, including dating apps, and we continue to be committed to addressing it," they said.
Comments
-
I turned 50 just over 4 months ago and am still a virgin! 😫
0 -
I have heard it said that sex isn't a right, that it's a loving act between a man and a woman, marred in the eyes of 'god'. It surprised me that a family member felt the need to say that, but I suppose some people can have some pretty outdated ideas. 🙄
It's never going to be straightforward finding a partner, especially if one is disabled, but I have to admire those still trying.
0 -
Yeah, and it's only in the last few years that 2 men or 2 women can get married in a Church, due to the Church's rather outdated views on men being with men and women being with women.
Although in the highly unlikely event I ever get hitched, it'd definitely be to a human female.
[edited by moderator]
0 -
I always feel conflicted when reading about initiatives like this. On one hand, it's great to have a platform that's disability friendly and makes it easier for people to connect and potentially find love. On the other hand, I think this reinforces the idea that disabled people are different and only supposed to have relationships with each other. There are various ways a person can be disabled, and I can't see why, say, an amputee would have more in common with a blind person than an able-bodied person. So apps like this may help some short-term, but do nothing to overcome ableism in the long-term. Again, I'm not against it and good luck to anyone who's trying to find a relationship, but it just makes me sad that we need things like this.
0 -
People predominantly notice eachother, at least initially, because of sexual attraction. That will never change, it's biology.
The deck will always be stacked against those of us who are different, sad but true.
0 -
@MissMarple The Date Ability app is open to all. It's not disability specific.
1 -
That's good to hear @SaraC_Scope
1
Categories
- All Categories
- 16.4K Start here and say hello!
- 7.7K Coffee lounge
- 121 Games den
- 1.8K People power
- 188 Announcements and information
- 25.7K Talk about life
- 6.2K Everyday life
- 428 Current affairs
- 2.5K Families and carers
- 893 Education and skills
- 2K Work
- 620 Money and bills
- 3.8K Housing and independent living
- 1.2K Transport and travel
- 675 Relationships
- 1.6K Mental health and wellbeing
- 2.6K Talk about your impairment
- 885 Rare, invisible, & undiagnosed conditions
- 947 Neurological impairments and pain
- 2.3K Cerebral Palsy Network
- 1.3K Autism and neurodiversity
- 41.6K Talk about your benefits
- 6.2K Employment & Support Allowance (ESA)
- 20.6K PIP, DLA, ADP & AA
- 9.4K Universal Credit (UC)
- 5.4K Benefits and income