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I need someone more worldly than myself to see if I have a path forward.

EndeavourToFreefall

I've been on ESA and living with a parent my entire life, crippling social anxiety and a number of mental health issues along the way, but with the miraculous introduction of a partner, I really want to be able to move forward and live together. My issue is that I have never lived anywhere else or worked, and I don't know where to begin in navigating this system as I'm not yet capable of the simplest solution; finding a job. I don't know if it's even possible with my current circumstances, benefit calculators lead me to believe it might be doable, but I'm not certain enough to take such a dramatic leap without a path that could find me homeless if it backfires, or perhaps I filled them out wrong.

If anyone out there has experience living with a partner who works, whilst being on benefits yourself, or any wisdom at all on a direction, I would be incredibly grateful. My partner's living situation is far less than comfortable and it would help us so much to be able to live together. Below are the financial details of myself and my partner, please let me know if I've missed anything.

My partner works 35 hours per week, £11.60 per hour, £19,219 before tax and lives with her parents. I receive income-related ESA of £126.45, with a portion of that being the work related activity group. I used to be in the support group, but I'm closer to capability for work now so that's probably why I'm not anymore if I had to guess. I've been on ESA since about 2009.

From what I've read, I lose all income related ESA when I move in with a partner who works a certain number of hours, but if I switch to Universal Credit is there any assistance that would be available to us, such as housing benefit? It's okay if I have less money, I don't care if it's tight for me, I just want to be able to contribute somewhat fairly towards rent without dragging her down, otherwise she'll be forced to house-share and I have to keep living with my mother.

Although I may be able to get a job in the future, I'm definitely not there yet, and not quickly enough either. Even discounting anxiety completely, I'm a 32 year old who has never worked and there seem to be infinitely insurmountable obstacles for me to overcome, that's a front I'm even more lost on, alas that's something for another post.

If you're still reading, my sincerest thanks.

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Comments

poppy123456

Yes your ESA will end if you live with your partner. You can claim UC before moving in with your partner and your UC will include the LCW element. Once you move in with them you'll need to report a change of circumstances and tell them you're living with a partner, you'll then be sent a linking code to join both claims together.

Your UC will include standard allowance for couples 25 and over, LCW element and housing element. (if you have liability to pay rent) UC entitlement is based on net earnings (after deductions) and not gross earnings.

You will have the work allowance, this means that a certain amount of earnings either you or your partner receives will be ignored before deductions apply. If you claim for help with the rent your work allowance will be £404/month.

Whether there's any entitlement will depend how much your rent will be and what your partners net earnings are. They maybe a small entitlement but it does depend on the exact figures.

Are you claiming a disability benefit such as daily living PIP or DLA mid/high rate care?

frocktopus

Your partner may be able to claim carer benefit if they look after you 35 hours or more a week. (This includes emotional support, bring with you during anxiety attacks if you get them, checking in on you, going places with you you couldn't go alone, helping you with stressful situations like villa or benefits stuff or just emotions etc, not just actively doing a physical thing for you.)

I think people can do very out when they work full time, although it's been years since my partner worked so double check that. At the moment it's over £80 a week, for my partner at least 💜

poppy123456

https://forum.scope.org.uk/discussion/comment/902454#Comment_902454

They need to be claiming a qualifying disability benefit such as PIP daily living or DLA mid/high rate care for someone to be able to claim carers allowance or carers element of UC for looking after them. I did ask them that question at the end of my comment above.

If they are then their partner will not be able to claim carers allowance because of their earnings. If they claim Universal Credit in the future the partner can claim carers element, it has no earnings limit like carers allowance has.

Albus_Alumni

Hi @EndeavourToFreefall and welcome to the community.

I can see you're already being helped out here, but I wanted to pop in and say a quick hello and good luck!
Regarding the work issues, we offer Support to Work, which is support for those wanting to find work, it may be worth getting in touch and see if they can advise you? They're all super lovely.

EndeavourToFreefall

https://forum.scope.org.uk/discussion/comment/902443#Comment_902443

Sorry for the delay, thanks for getting back to me. Your reply got me past a bit of a mental block I had in not knowing where to look, but it does look like I would be better off on UC right now as per the calculators, and we did also qualify for housing element when I tested as a couple on what would be a good rent cost in my area, which all together is quite a bit more than I get now, so quite a relief.

I'm not on PIP or DLA anymore, although I did have it many years ago I don't think I would sincerely qualify anymore, that's alright though.

The next thing I have to figure out is whether I'm better off switching to UC now or later, my understanding is that if I report a change of circumstances the DWP will trigger the switch to UC now that my benefit is outdated, but with better protections than if I were to do it voluntarily. I'm not sure what, if any, advantages there may be to switching voluntarily although the calculators did indicate I would receive more than I do now, even before moving out, could it perhaps make the transition faster?

EndeavourToFreefall

https://forum.scope.org.uk/discussion/comment/902573#Comment_902573

Thanks for bringing that to my attention, I will try it out, the Job Centre/DWP hasn't contacted me for many years regarding work, I became a ghost and so I got complacent. The anxious part of me was afraid to poke the hornets nest after my past experiences, but a big part of me does want better for me and my partner.

poppy123456

You said you weren't in the Support Group and you're in the work related activity group, is that correct? did your ESA claim start before or after April 2017?

If so then are you 100% sure that you filled in the benefits calculator correctly? There would have been a question that asked if your were either in the WRAG (LCW) or Support Group (LCWRA) did you tick the Support Group (LCWRA) because that will give you a completely different calculation.

Please try the benefits calculator again and make sure you fill it in correctly because I wouldn't want you having a too much of a shock when you do claim if you don't receive as much as you think you will.

My calculations say as a single person without rent liability at the moment then your UC entitlement will be a very small amount more than your ESA is at the moment.

Your ESA entitlement at the moment is as follows.

single person £90.50

Work Related Activity Group component (if your ESA started before ESA 2017) £35.95

total ESA weekly amount £126.25 (£252.50/fortnight) which is £547 per month.

If you claim UC before moving in with your partner then you'll be entitled to standard allowance (single person) 25 and over £393.45/month

LCW (please note NOT LCWRA) £156.11/month

Total UC entitlement = £549.56/month.

I'm assuming that because you've never worked then your ESA claim started before April 2017.

For help with the rent when claiming UC living with a partner you'll be entitled to the 1 bedroom rate of local housing allowance (LHA). If you live alone because you're under 35 then you'll only be entitled to the shared rate of LHA.

If you decide to claim UC before moving in with your partner, you do not need to ring them to report a change of circumstances because there will be no changes to report. You just need to claim UC yourself. This will then end your Income Related ESA 2 weeks after you submit the claim.

EndeavourToFreefall

https://forum.scope.org.uk/discussion/comment/903041#Comment_903041

I have tried to run the calculator a few times to make sure, I didn't tick support group or anything like that but I did include rent, if I exclude rent then I get the same figures as yours which is basically the same as my current ESA. The rent is confusing though, we live in a housing association property which my mother pays for with her pension, it's £550 a month and I give her half of my ESA towards that and bills, which is why I included it.

poppy123456

Ah, that will be why it's giving you a higher amount. As you live with your mother, you will not be able to claim for help with the rent. This is why I didn't include it in my calculation.

You will only be able to claim for help with the rent if you move out and have liability to pay rent to a landlord.

W348

@EndeavourToFreefall

I find your experience very relatable to my own circumstances. Severe social anxiety - in addition to this I have a great difficulty with talking and muddling my words up.

I can also relate your comment regarding ESA and them also leaving me alone for many years too, the bit you said about not wanting to poke the hornet's nest. That's an excellent way to describe it, that's a big part of fhe reason it's taken me 20 years to just recently apply for PIP. If it wasn't for dentists recently ditching NHS patients I may never have got that push to apply.

It's reassuring to read that despite your difficulties you seem to have found a path forward, found yourself a partner and are feeling more optimistic about work. That's great to read, good for you.

The partner aspect in particular is something that I have been worried about, if you are at all comfortable to go into some detail - would you mind sharing your experience with social anxiety and any tips or experience on how you have moved past this to be in a dating position. It's just something that I am struggling to see a clear path forward with.

EndeavourToFreefall

https://forum.scope.org.uk/discussion/comment/903046#Comment_903046

I see, that seems perculiar when it seems no different to me than a house-share as we live very independently, I'm sure they have a reason for it that I can't see, maybe she's the one who has to claim for help with the rent? No trouble though, the extra money that was given in the calculator for the rent I did wrongly isn't important at all, I just really wanted to make sure I would still be able to contribute to living here. Thanks for the clarification.

poppy123456

https://forum.scope.org.uk/discussion/comment/903049#Comment_903049

It's because you live with your mum and you have no liability to pay rent to a landlord. It is expected that you help your mum with the bills from the other money you receive. You can't claim for help with the rent in this situation. Living with other people such as a house share is a completely different situation.

As it's your mum named on the tenancy agreement then yes she will be the one that can claim for help with the rent.

I note that you mentioned she's paying rent from her pension, is she state pension age and above? If so, is she single or living with a partner? If single or living with a partner that's also state pension age and above she can apply for housing benefit from her local Authority. Whether there's entitlement will depend on her circumstances.

If she's living with a partner that's under state pension age then they will need to claim UC for help with any rent.

I'd advise her to speak to an advice agency for a full benefits check. Or she can use a benefits calculator.

EndeavourToFreefall

https://forum.scope.org.uk/discussion/comment/903056#Comment_903056

Yes, she's state pension age and single, no other income and no savings. I'll pass on the information that she might have something available, thank you.

poppy123456

You're welcome. I would expect there to be some entitlement to housing benefit and council tax reduction. Depending on how much her state pension is, there may also be some entitlement to Pension Credit. Please use a benefits calculator.

There's also a Pension Credit calculator available that she can use.

https://www.gov.uk/pension-credit-calculator

EndeavourToFreefall

https://forum.scope.org.uk/discussion/comment/903047#Comment_903047

I'll do my best, it's a very complicated journey for all of us but hopefully there are things you may relate to if I can figure out how to articulate it, it's probably going to be a long reply, I have a hard time being concise at the best of times and this requires a lifetime of context. You can skip to the final paragraph for the version without context. Some issues were with the way I viewed myself and the tendencies of my brain, some issues were the way I viewed others based on experience or assumption. Anxiety had a lot to do with it, but I would say for me it was a small component overall. Some of it is cliché, things like self-acceptance and self-esteem, but I used to get so angry with people who would highlight those problems without ever explaining how you get it.

If you're like me you spent a lot of time by yourself, analysing, thinking and using intuition to understand things to the best of your knowledge, as well as evidence collected by experience, these thoughts lead to the conclusion that there was just no way. I was so sure I'd fail when I tried, so sure that I couldn't give someone what they wanted, because most people wanted something that was different to me. Society had greater expectations of a person than I could show, and a lot of people judged me for it.

All these thoughts I fed to the machine of self-hatred, spewing back out shame, guilt, regret, feeding itself over and over. Desperation would drive me to dating apps sparingly, soon to be deleted out of frustration, just another experience to feed the machine. I would get a match here and there, want so badly to reach out and say something, but be paralyzed with fear. The more effort and more determination I had the greater the suffering when it failed and I couldn't push through. I admit this cycle sent me close to the edge, proverbially and literally, after trying more than I ever had and pushing further, only to find myself still the same ruined person. Sobbing uncontrollably in bed at 2pm on a beautiful day, on the verge of some sort of mental breakdown, (or perhaps in the middle of one), where I swore never to submit myself to the agony of trying ever again, I gave up on the idea of a fulfilling life completely.

If you ignore the agony of the situation it was peaceful, a relief never to have to try ever again, no anxiety either. I had a dream that I was thrown overboard in a storm and succumbed to the ocean after struggling for hours to breathe, and watched myself drift gently, peacefully to the bottom, I woke up when the light couldn't reach me. It sounds silly but the dream was the perfect encapsulation of how I felt for a moment. Life continued, dull, but I stopped struggling, just passing the time because it's all I could do. Somewhere in this state I forgave myself a little, though I still had the negative view and didn't expect I would ever deserve anything better. I existed like this for some time.

One day, ruminating extensively about blame, self-determination and free will, I came to a conclusion which freed me a little. My circumstances were set in motion as a scared child who didn't know any better, how could I be angry with him? Oh but I could still have done more, I didn't try hard enough, but I had pushed myself so hard I almost died from the rebound, so could I really? No, I don't think I could have done any differently, I could now if I had a time-machine. So I don't have much to blame myself for, things beyond my control happened within and to me, if I'm not to blame then surely I deserve to hate myself a little less.

In time, I did hate myself less, and I stopped measuring myself by what other people value but what was important to me, the attributes in people I liked and admired, and I tried to become that. I liked honesty, it was always important to me but despite that I would often lie about myself to cover up shame and prevent social rejection. Instead, any time I felt inclined to lie I told the truth, if someone judges me for authenticity I don't respect their morals, their rejection does not matter. I also liked kindness, so I made a commitment to myself that I would go out of my way to help when I could, sticking to this principle did get me into some anxiety inducing situations in real life, but I blocked out the fear. Building myself up from the virtues I appreciated lead to a better sense of pride.

Somewhere along the line I felt like a good person, I liked most of who I was, and I stopped being ashamed of letting people see beneath the mask. The self-hatred machine had nothing more to consume. In time, I made a couple of friends, people I appreciated and who appreciated me, through that I became more confident in my limited interests and discarded the idea that I could only be interesting if I did a lot of exciting things or had many memories. It turned out that with certain people it's not really about what you've done and where you've been, but what you think about, your opinions, and sometimes just whether you're interested in others. I was pretty good at thinking about things and having opinions, I wasn't bland I was just too scared to face rejection for having a different opinion or saying something wrong. I wasn't happy yet, my life was missing a lot, but I felt fulfilled at times.

I then encountered my now-girlfriend. At the time she was disillusioned by not fitting in and being unable to find connections due to issues of anxiety and isolation similar to myself, particularly inability to find a relationship and open up to trust, but she had taken the initiative to make a Reddit post, a post in a community I frequented as an outlet. I admired the way she articulated herself, and replied with a joke and a passing comment about what we had in common, it caught her eye and she asked if I wanted to chat. The next part was a crucial turning point because I messaged her and introduced myself, in a very formal, long and serious manner, as is my nature. Most people don't like that, I'm not playful or flirtatious with people I hardly know, so I expected nothing but I had a hint from the way she replied to others that she might be different. Alas I stuck to my honest principle, and tried to just be myself.

For once, and the only time it mattered, being myself was exactly what she liked. She fit me like a jigsaw piece and I her, my extreme commitment to authenticity even when it would lead to judgement from most people allowed her to trust me like no other, and she was able to show me the authenticity that would allow me to trust her in return. We turned out to have so many fundamental views and circumstances in common that it felt like fate, we soothed each-others fears simultaneously, because if I feared something like abandonment or rejection, she feared it too. A few months of talking, some miraculous and not insignificant circumstances later, and she found herself moving to my country to see what might happen and the relationship has been incredible ever since.

There were times my anxiety was sky-high, sometimes my heart felt like it as going to burst out of my chest and I did things I never thought I could, but I never felt like avoiding it or running away was an option. The urge was out of my control, the draw was as constant as gravity.

That's pretty much everything that took place, but I still want to sum things up because I wrote a lot about myself and it might be difficult to interpret my experiences.

Firstly, the negative thinking is inaccurate, many people told me so but I didn't believe them, or didn't know how to, they're partially right with their platitudes. We're not unworthy or undeserving as we are, except for the enormous weight of blame we may carry with us, Buddhist philosophy helped me somewhat with free will, forgiving ourselves when we have regret or dislike our impulses is very important to letting go. Second, I believed myself non-judgemental but my perception of other people was very unfair, I had a very dim view of the majority of society and our species. Many people are considerate, kind, thoughtful and understanding, it's only necessary to meet a handful of those, we don't want a relationship or friendship with the majority of people, and nor should we. Third, not all of the responsibility is on ourselves to change or to become something that someone else will want, there is no x amount of progress required to have a relationship, sometimes it just takes time and a stroke of luck. Fourth, be yourself is cliché but deeper than it seems, if you hide who you are the people who would like your authentic self never get to find you.

W348

https://forum.scope.org.uk/discussion/comment/903091#Comment_903091

Thank you for taking the time to share your experience, I did read it all. Very much appreciated, it gives me some hope that there may be some semblance of normality that I can strive for.

The alternative is so bleak - I have to look forward. After many years of isolatiing myself, I ultimately had a break down at my GP surgery in 2019 - my age dawned on me and I came to the realisation that since leaving high school and having a brief stint at work, I just couldn't physically speak to anyone or string more than a single sentence together competently without humiliating myself.

It was no small feat. to open up to my GP, it's still the worst and most freeing day of my life to date. The cruel thing is - just a few months later covid hit, and delayed everything indefinitely. And hospital's been running me round in circles ever since. I was in my early 30's back then.

It's mostly my own fault, it's difficult to make progress when I can't pick up the phone to chase appointments, and when I do get in their room my anxiety is so bad I always muddle up what I need to say. I've got surgery concerns that I think are the main reason my mental health and self-esteem is incredibly low.

Right now I am trying to focus on ways I might be able to improve my self-esteem and overall outlook in the short-term. Following my recent PIP claim, I want to try and push myself to live independently on my own. If I can somehow wrap my head around sitting in a car and possibly communicate in some way with a driving instructor, I would really love to be able to drive. And if I am still left lingering waiting for hospital appointments, perhaps my new income will build up enough to the point where I can just pay privately. It took me a long time to realise that I first need to take care of myself, be happy with myself - before I can move on, and possibly consider any relationahip prospects. That still feels so far away, but your post has shown me it's possible.

I know I've still got a battle ahead of me, even if my issues are addressed with surgery, I've practically lived most of my life avoiding and not talking with people outside of my very close family. I've no doubt I'm probably going to need counselling of some sort too - just to hit the rest switch. First I need to tolerate having someone looking at me while I attempt to sit there, and actually speak.

Thanks again.

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