I need someone more worldly than myself to see if I have a path forward.

Sorry for the delay, thanks for getting back to me. Your reply got me past a bit of a mental block I had in not knowing where to look, but it does look like I would be better off on UC right now as per the calculators, and we did also qualify for housing element when I tested as a couple on what would be a good rent cost in my area, which all together is quite a bit more than I get now, so quite a relief.

I'm not on PIP or DLA anymore, although I did have it many years ago I don't think I would sincerely qualify anymore, that's alright though.

The next thing I have to figure out is whether I'm better off switching to UC now or later, my understanding is that if I report a change of circumstances the DWP will trigger the switch to UC now that my benefit is outdated, but with better protections than if I were to do it voluntarily. I'm not sure what, if any, advantages there may be to switching voluntarily although the calculators did indicate I would receive more than I do now, even before moving out, could it perhaps make the transition faster?

I see, that seems perculiar when it seems no different to me than a house-share as we live very independently, I'm sure they have a reason for it that I can't see, maybe she's the one who has to claim for help with the rent? No trouble though, the extra money that was given in the calculator for the rent I did wrongly isn't important at all, I just really wanted to make sure I would still be able to contribute to living here. Thanks for the clarification.

Yes, she's state pension age and single, no other income and no savings. I'll pass on the information that she might have something available, thank you.

I'll do my best, it's a very complicated journey for all of us but hopefully there are things you may relate to if I can figure out how to articulate it, it's probably going to be a long reply, I have a hard time being concise at the best of times and this requires a lifetime of context. You can skip to the final paragraph for the version without context. Some issues were with the way I viewed myself and the tendencies of my brain, some issues were the way I viewed others based on experience or assumption. Anxiety had a lot to do with it, but I would say for me it was a small component overall. Some of it is cliché, things like self-acceptance and self-esteem, but I used to get so angry with people who would highlight those problems without ever explaining how you get it.

If you're like me you spent a lot of time by yourself, analysing, thinking and using intuition to understand things to the best of your knowledge, as well as evidence collected by experience, these thoughts lead to the conclusion that there was just no way. I was so sure I'd fail when I tried, so sure that I couldn't give someone what they wanted, because most people wanted something that was different to me. Society had greater expectations of a person than I could show, and a lot of people judged me for it.

All these thoughts I fed to the machine of self-hatred, spewing back out shame, guilt, regret, feeding itself over and over. Desperation would drive me to dating apps sparingly, soon to be deleted out of frustration, just another experience to feed the machine. I would get a match here and there, want so badly to reach out and say something, but be paralyzed with fear. The more effort and more determination I had the greater the suffering when it failed and I couldn't push through. I admit this cycle sent me close to the edge, proverbially and literally, after trying more than I ever had and pushing further, only to find myself still the same ruined person. Sobbing uncontrollably in bed at 2pm on a beautiful day, on the verge of some sort of mental breakdown, (or perhaps in the middle of one), where I swore never to submit myself to the agony of trying ever again, I gave up on the idea of a fulfilling life completely.

If you ignore the agony of the situation it was peaceful, a relief never to have to try ever again, no anxiety either. I had a dream that I was thrown overboard in a storm and succumbed to the ocean after struggling for hours to breathe, and watched myself drift gently, peacefully to the bottom, I woke up when the light couldn't reach me. It sounds silly but the dream was the perfect encapsulation of how I felt for a moment. Life continued, dull, but I stopped struggling, just passing the time because it's all I could do. Somewhere in this state I forgave myself a little, though I still had the negative view and didn't expect I would ever deserve anything better. I existed like this for some time.

One day, ruminating extensively about blame, self-determination and free will, I came to a conclusion which freed me a little. My circumstances were set in motion as a scared child who didn't know any better, how could I be angry with him? Oh but I could still have done more, I didn't try hard enough, but I had pushed myself so hard I almost died from the rebound, so could I really? No, I don't think I could have done any differently, I could now if I had a time-machine. So I don't have much to blame myself for, things beyond my control happened within and to me, if I'm not to blame then surely I deserve to hate myself a little less.

In time, I did hate myself less, and I stopped measuring myself by what other people value but what was important to me, the attributes in people I liked and admired, and I tried to become that. I liked honesty, it was always important to me but despite that I would often lie about myself to cover up shame and prevent social rejection. Instead, any time I felt inclined to lie I told the truth, if someone judges me for authenticity I don't respect their morals, their rejection does not matter. I also liked kindness, so I made a commitment to myself that I would go out of my way to help when I could, sticking to this principle did get me into some anxiety inducing situations in real life, but I blocked out the fear. Building myself up from the virtues I appreciated lead to a better sense of pride.

Somewhere along the line I felt like a good person, I liked most of who I was, and I stopped being ashamed of letting people see beneath the mask. The self-hatred machine had nothing more to consume. In time, I made a couple of friends, people I appreciated and who appreciated me, through that I became more confident in my limited interests and discarded the idea that I could only be interesting if I did a lot of exciting things or had many memories. It turned out that with certain people it's not really about what you've done and where you've been, but what you think about, your opinions, and sometimes just whether you're interested in others. I was pretty good at thinking about things and having opinions, I wasn't bland I was just too scared to face rejection for having a different opinion or saying something wrong. I wasn't happy yet, my life was missing a lot, but I felt fulfilled at times.

I then encountered my now-girlfriend. At the time she was disillusioned by not fitting in and being unable to find connections due to issues of anxiety and isolation similar to myself, particularly inability to find a relationship and open up to trust, but she had taken the initiative to make a Reddit post, a post in a community I frequented as an outlet. I admired the way she articulated herself, and replied with a joke and a passing comment about what we had in common, it caught her eye and she asked if I wanted to chat. The next part was a crucial turning point because I messaged her and introduced myself, in a very formal, long and serious manner, as is my nature. Most people don't like that, I'm not playful or flirtatious with people I hardly know, so I expected nothing but I had a hint from the way she replied to others that she might be different. Alas I stuck to my honest principle, and tried to just be myself.

For once, and the only time it mattered, being myself was exactly what she liked. She fit me like a jigsaw piece and I her, my extreme commitment to authenticity even when it would lead to judgement from most people allowed her to trust me like no other, and she was able to show me the authenticity that would allow me to trust her in return. We turned out to have so many fundamental views and circumstances in common that it felt like fate, we soothed each-others fears simultaneously, because if I feared something like abandonment or rejection, she feared it too. A few months of talking, some miraculous and not insignificant circumstances later, and she found herself moving to my country to see what might happen and the relationship has been incredible ever since.

There were times my anxiety was sky-high, sometimes my heart felt like it as going to burst out of my chest and I did things I never thought I could, but I never felt like avoiding it or running away was an option. The urge was out of my control, the draw was as constant as gravity.

That's pretty much everything that took place, but I still want to sum things up because I wrote a lot about myself and it might be difficult to interpret my experiences.

Firstly, the negative thinking is inaccurate, many people told me so but I didn't believe them, or didn't know how to, they're partially right with their platitudes. We're not unworthy or undeserving as we are, except for the enormous weight of blame we may carry with us, Buddhist philosophy helped me somewhat with free will, forgiving ourselves when we have regret or dislike our impulses is very important to letting go. Second, I believed myself non-judgemental but my perception of other people was very unfair, I had a very dim view of the majority of society and our species. Many people are considerate, kind, thoughtful and understanding, it's only necessary to meet a handful of those, we don't want a relationship or friendship with the majority of people, and nor should we. Third, not all of the responsibility is on ourselves to change or to become something that someone else will want, there is no x amount of progress required to have a relationship, sometimes it just takes time and a stroke of luck. Fourth, be yourself is cliché but deeper than it seems, if you hide who you are the people who would like your authentic self never get to find you.