Hi, my name is sheryltoddo! my 10 yr old son has severe adhd and autism

sheryltoddo

Hi, my 10 yr old son has severe adhd and autism. He’s been extremely aggressive and violent mainly towards me but sometimes his siblings including threatening us with knives.
he’s said on more than a few occasions that he wants to live with dad. Dad has always wanted my son to live with him. 

After a serious episode of violence I caved and said it’s dangerous for him to continue to live with me.
this was a week ago, I’ve done nothing but cry all week and I’m yearning to be with my son all the time. 

I pick him up from school and he stays with me every day for 3 hrs and has dinner one evening a week with me, I’ll also have him every other weekend. 

So he now lives with his dad and Nan and has a lovely quiet settled life. He says he’s really happy. 

I selfishly wish he’d say he wants to come home but I know that at the moment it’s working and he’s better off there. 

My stepson is saying he wants my sons bedroom, this will not be happening for at least 3 months but my question is should I let him have it ? 

All five of our children have their own rooms they are all large apart from one. The one my stepson is using literally has a chest of drawers a bed and a tv computer in. He’s 15 and doesn’t have toys etc and used to share a room with his brother that was the biggest bedroom. 

My son has all his toys that he plays with and I feel needs his room still as he flaps around dances and needs space. 

Is this a valid reason for my son to keep his room or am I being unfair to my stepson ? I just feel that he uses his room just for going on his computer anyway ? 

Hannah_Alumni

Hello @sheryltoddo

Welcome to the community!

That sounds like a tough situation. It is difficult as with having Autism and ADHD I would guess that your son likes having his space. Have you asked him? It may even be a nice thing for you to do together? Surprise your stepson by painting your son's old room for him? Helping your son decorate the stepson's old room for when your son comes home or for when he wants to stay over?

L_Volunteer

Hi @sheryltoddo. A warm welcome from me. It is great to see you have joined us. Thanks for already finding the courage to reach out to us too. I always appreciate the courage it can take to reach out, especially when you are new and finding things quite difficult.

I can hear that this is really upsetting for you. Do you know why he would prefer to live with his dad? This might help you to give an indication of the types of things he is looking for and perhaps things that could be put in place to support his needs when he stays with you too.

I recognise that you have mentioned "quiet settled life". Are these his words or your own? I am just wondering if it is mainly due to the sensory overload, your perception or something else. Regardless, I can hear how he is happy with his current living circumstances but you are, understandably, struggling.

How are you coping with all this at the moment? It sounds really painful and I just want you to know that we are here for you, listening to you and supporting you. It is a really difficult situation and only you can make the necessary decisions which I know, unfortunately, places more pressure on you.

For example, how likely is it that your son will come and stay with you? If it is very likely then I would personally encourage you to keep his room the same. As an autistic person, I recognise the value of consistency and knowing we can return to consistency if needed/wanted is super important.

As you say, this is only further reasoned with your son's being big enough for playing with toys, space and 'stimming' (e.g., flapping around). You are not being unfair but you need to do try and do what's best and it is evident that this is what you are trying to achieve. 

On the other hand though, I can really hear how difficult this is for you if your stepson is saying he wants your son's room. I appreciate that you are likely to want to ensure all of your children have what they want, especially at such an unsettling time.

You don't have to face any of this alone! We are all here for you and listening to you 

durhamjaide2001

Welcome to the community I'm sorry your in quite a difficult situation there's a whole section for families and neurological conditions. In fact I think there's even a separate section for autism. I would also suggest having a look in the coffee lounge to relax and off load. 

sheryltoddo

Thank you all for your feedback.
I will have my son stay over every other weekend and pick him up from school for three hrs three times a week and have him stay for dinner one day per week. We talk on face time or message everyday. 

He’s been having a one to one at school in a hub with a few other children as he struggled in a classroom  for the whole of yr 5 however on thurs and Friday he’s stayed in the classroom all day. He’s desperately trying his best for dad and his excitement while telling his dad is amazing. 

However when I ask him he’s not like this, I’ve always hugged, kissed and praised him etc but his relationship is so different with me. 

I don’t think dad has helped this in the past as he’s done things like show my son messages that were private adult conversation ( heated conversations, between myself and dad) only dads messages had been purposely deleted.
he also came home from dads a few weeks ago throwing his school shirt at me saying “ dad said he had to soak this because it was grey and you don’t do your washing properly” ( not true but I let it go)
he also insisted my son did not have autism or adhd when the doctors tried to diagnose originally but the doctors had to go above him as my sons schooling was affected. 

My son also came home from school saying “ I don’t have anything wrong with me you just want extra money” this is untrue I don’t need extra money and can and have always supported my family through working hard. 

So I think his dad may have swayed how Henry perceives me. 

I’ve arranged a day out for my sons birthday and invited dad and his family to join us as I want my son to see we all want what’s best for him.
although I feel dad is partly to blame for the way my son is towards me I also see he does want the best for our son.
on the bedroom side of things I’ve decided to leave things as they are for a few months and take it from there. 

I’m still desperately missing my son everyday but I’m realising just how much of my life was chasing his tail and taking abuse, I actually manage to have a morning shower and watch the news on tv with a cup of tea ! Don’t get me wrong if I thought my sons behaviour would be better for me I’d have him home right now. 

Hannah_Alumni

Hello @sheryltoddo

I just wanted to check in and see how everything has been going? Has your son's birthday passed? Did you all go out and have a nice time?