Do parents get a free pass?

Biblioklept

This is a weird question but something that's been playing on my mind with it being mother's day this weekend and my dad's birthday soon and I haven't been able to see my parents for many years.

How easy do you find it to forgive your parents?

I didn't have the best upbringing and my parents are mostly completely disinterested in me and despite how often I try and move on from it and tell myself I don't care, I love them very much and would do anything for their attention and love. 

But I was thinking about it today and realised that some of the things that happened growing up things my parents have said or done, I don't think I'd be able to forgive a friend or partner for. So why do I make excuses for my parents?? If anything, I think parents should be the last people to hurt their children emotionally or otherwise. 

Does anyone else have this weird relationship with their parents? 

66Mustang

Though I am loyal to my parents and would defend them even if I knew they were wrong, I'm sort of the opposite in my expectations from them and how I would react!!

What I mean is, I am pretty much grateful if a random member of the public thinks enough of me that they are happy to walk past me without spitting on me whereas my family, I sort of expect a lot more from them, and would get upset if they were even a tiny bit "off" with me

In other words a member of the public could call me some horrible name and it wouldn't affect me but if my parents said the same thing it would really upset me ... luckily they never have or would but it's just how I can describe it

Hannah_Alumni

It is a really interesting question about how easy is it?

For me, whether parents or not, I can never forget. Forgiving depends on the situation and with my parents it wouldn't be something instant. I think we can way up those "but they are my parents" emotions a lot of the time and for me it would put a halt on that instant forgiveness. But I can see how it could be harder for those with difficult relationships. 

I do agree that parents should be the last people to hurt their children emotionally or otherwise. My thoughts on that are a little less "admin" for this thread. 

Biblioklept

I think it's sort of similar @66Mustang, I have higher expectations of my parents but I also forgive them of absolutely everything. I think maybe because I'm so desperate to have them in my life. I sounds like a big baby still wanting my parents but it's true.

@Hannah_Scope I don't think I ever forget when someone wrongs me either but I always forgive or make excuses for it, I try and see the good in most people and assume most the time that I am the problem or the one that's taken something the wrong way. I have a really complicated relationship with my family but I still find myself longing for them. 

I guess really it's not longing for them, it's longing for what other people seem to have with their families. 

rubin16

I think it really depends on the circumstances, like for example I haven't spoke to my mum for over a year and not seen her for like 10 years now. She abandoned me when I was 13 and left me to live in a cold house all alone for nearly a year without heating and electric and nothing to eat but cold pot noodles as she left me and moved in with her then boyfriend. She then went and moved to spain and I then had to move in with my stepdad which wasn't an ideal relationship.

This was during a time when I was also very badly bullied and sexually abused at school by bullies becuase I was "weird and different" (later being diagnosed with ADHD and Autism) and ended up developing schizophrenia due to trauma at age 15 and was kicked out of school until I saw a doctor.

I don't think I can ever have a relationship with my mum again or fully forgive her for what she has done over the years (Theres more she has done). My nan has been more of my mother figure and we talk daily, and have a really good relationship. For mothers day I will be getting my nan a card and a bunch of flowers to say thankyou

Hannah_Alumni

@Biblioklept I hope that relationship can one day be in a place where everything is less complicated

When you said to mustang "I sounds like a big baby still wanting my parents but it's true", I think we don't ever not stop wanting our parents. If that makes sense? When I was once in hospital for a colonoscopy, there was a woman across from me who was having hers for the first time. When she came out, she was really teary and apologising because she thought she was "made of tougher stuff". After reassuring her she said "I am a 54-years-old and I just want my mum".

@rubin16 I am going to pop an email over to you  

OverlyAnxious

I always try to work out why someone has done something - perhaps they were unwell themselves, or stressed, or felt trapped, or maybe they did something through misunderstanding, genuinely believing it was the right thing at the time.  I don't think any of that should be used as an excuse, but I know I've done things I regret under those circumstances.  

Nowadays people seem to want to be accepted for who they are, but still not accept others for who they are.  Seems weird to me...but social sciences have always been a mystery!

I don't blame my parents for my issues.  Although other family members did and I repeatedly tried to correct them to no avail.  I don't really see family members any differently to friends, or even strangers.  They're all just human bodies to me.  I understand that's unusual, and I have wondered if that's something to do with neurodiversity...

poppy123456

I seen this yesterday and started to comment but then deleted is because I decided against it. Spent the last day constantly thinking about it so now it's time to get it out of my mind to at least TRY to forget it and move on again. 

My father passed away when I was a young girl. My mother remarried and times were even worse from that point. I too was 13 when I was told I wasn't allowed to go back home. My nan took me in and cared for me. She was absolutely everything to me and if I didn't have her then I don't know what I would have done. All I had was the clothes I was wearing at the time. I didn't even have a bed to sleep in and slept in my nans bed with her for the next 6 months, until she had the money to buy me one. 

I spent most of my life since then not speaking to my mother. We did have short brief times where we did speak and she did visit my home sometimes. Then some years ago when my children were grown up she decided to "disown me" yet again! No explanation, nothing at all. 

She would be 80 this year and I've no idea if she's alive or not. Do I forgive her, no, will I ever forget, not ever. I know I'll never get the answers I desperately want and have learnt to live with it for decades. I longed to have a mother and daughter relationship with her but it just wasn't to be. 

I'm very very close to my daughters and I just do not understand how a mother can treat her children this way. I would do anything I possibly could for my children and grandchildren. 

Now I need to find room in my head to push it to the back and move on, just like i've done for most of my life. 

Biblioklept

There’s a lot of posts I want to reply to and thank you everyone so much for everything you’ve all shared ❤️ I promise I’ll get back to more of them later but I just wanted to comment on this small bit for now as it’s all I’m emotionally up to

poppy123456 said:

I know I'll never get the answers I desperately want and have learnt to live with it for decades. I longed to have a mother and daughter relationship with her but it just wasn't to be.  

You have completely summed up everything I feel here @poppy123456. I’m trying really hard just to accept that my mum is just a person and it’s her first time living as well, and that I’ll never get the answers I want or have the relationship I crave. 

Sometimes I think I’ve come to terms with it and then from no where all the emotion floods back and it feels so raw again. I think being rejected by a parent is something that’s so very difficult to explain the pain from and the impact it has. 

I don’t think I’ll ever truly forgive my parents and I certainly won’t forget, but I still long for that relationship with them which feels like a contradiction, because anyone else I was so hurt by I don’t think I’d want a relationship with

WhatThe

Wow 

bookrabbit

Being rejected is so hard. I doubt there is an age when it stops hurting. You just have to push it to the back of your head and carry on as Poppy says.

Like Poppy too I have started to reply and deleted it and then thought about it again.

Suffice it to say that it was my mother that has made me homeless. And it wasn't the first time. And my Dad also did it at a very vulnerable time in my life. Their new partners took precedence over their children every time. And now my sister's boyfriend took precedence over my son. She threw us out so that he could move back in after the police banned him for threatening to stab my son on several occasions!! 

chiarieds

This is a different response @Biblioklept - my parents adopted me as a baby, & I couldn't have had better parents; they were my parents.

Like poppy, as a Mum myself, I can't understand some parents. I couldn't understand my birth Mum giving me up; with hindsight it's possible I inherited my disorder from her, & she found it hard to cope, there was also the stigma of being an unmarried mother back then.

Fast forward to a few years ago, my son was trying to work out why his Dad had been like he was. Did he get an answer; perhaps. We had independently worked out he may have Borderline Personality Disorder, but of course his Dad feels like he did everything he could for his children, & neither of us can mention this to him...

My eldest daughter forgives everyone due to losing her younger sister; she always says life can be too short. She's amazing in that she forgives him for all the pain he's caused her. My son finds it difficult, as do I. I've told their Dad repeatedly that I forgive him, but it's incredibly hard to forget how he affected my children. I love my children to bits, & tried to show them the love from me that they should have had from both parents when I was married.

It's difficult & complex; I do forgive their Dad, but can't forget the hurt he caused especially to my children. My children & I are now incrediibly close, tho I thought I might have lost my eldest daughter especially some years ago.

Does it help finding a reason; I'm not sure.

Steve_in_The_City

I understand the value of forgiveness. It frees you from your own psychological angst and resentment and saves dwelling (negatively) on the past and wishing you had reacted differently to those that hurt you. But life is not that simple and it takes a big person to forgive and forget. Personally, I am not that big and find that the past and its unresolved issues are always on my mind. I know if I forgive and forget those issues the bad feelings I have will be resolved - but it won't happen.

I have tried putting myself in the position of others who hurt me, so that I can understand and forget, but it doesn't work because I know I would never have done what they did. So my logical mind tells me forgive and forget. That will make me happy. But my heart and emotions say no.

With reference to parents, guilt sets in because we are conditioned by society to love our parents, who are meant to do their best for us. When you try to explain to someone who has not been abused by their parents they simply don't understand because they think mummy and daddy are wonderful.