How to motivate my son?

JulieArt

My son has High Functioning Autism and I suspect ADHD, OCD and Dyspraxia too but not formally diagnosed.  The school agreed but said there’s no point gaining a diagnosis because it wouldn’t entitle him to any extra help.

Before lockdown my son tried so hard at school to keep his head above water.  He had a tutor once a week.  Covid broke out, schools closed, his tutoring stopped and both me and his Dad are self-employed and had no option but to work flat out.  Together with extremely poor internet, home schooling couldn’t happen.  

As a result, when he returned to school, he fell by the wayside and just became withdrawn.  He was always late and skipping classes.  His last day of school was yesterday and he leaves with no qualifications.  

I’m applying for college, although he doesn’t meet criteria, I’m putting this argument forward and also I’m applying for jobs I believe he’s perfectly capable of doing.

The problem is, he has no motivation to work or do anything, he is worried he’s just going to fail and spends all his time in his room or going out walking.  

When I say, what are you going to do when Dad and I are no longer around?  He says I’ll just have to be homeless and live in the woods.  

I have a mixture of emotions.  There’s this growing culture of belief that so many people are now seeking diagnosis for autism and that it’s an excuse to not work and just live if tax payers money.  That is not him, we have never even submitted a claim for Disability Living Allowance, but I sense him being judged already.  The other emotion I feel is, he is also a victim of covid, massively.  All these promises that parents shouldn’t worry, children will catch up, well he didn’t!  

Now all he’s got to look forward to for the rest of his life is a dead end job.  I feel so sad for him.  How do I motivate him to go for one of these jobs?  He won’t even wash or shave so I can take him along to enquire.  He is not interested in money so he doesn’t see that as a reward.  I’m worried he’s going to fall into depression too.  He has no friends, yet is the friendliest, loveliest person, he has such a lovely nature.  

rubin16

Hi, Welcome to the community,

I have autism myself and from the sounds of it your son is going through something we call "Autistic Burnout". Its where we get so overwhelmed with things such as change, or stress and we have little or no pleasure anymore in doing things we once did.

Theres some information for you here: https://www.autism.org.uk/advice-and-guidance/professional-practice/autistic-burnout 

Does your son have any special interests they like doing and still enjoy doing? It could be worth trying to find something they really enjoy doing and trying to get them to look at options of doing that as a career.

I myself left school with no qualifications, but my special interest and gift was anything computer related, I was able to self taught myself, and ended up going college and eventually built up qualifications and a foundation degree in what I enjoyed and still do enjoy.

Please be aware that an autistic burnout can take some time to get over, I have had burnouts throughout my life which last sometimes months, and I have no motivation to do anything or see the point in anything. It just takes time to find yourself again and to "snap out of it" and find motivation again. However this can't be forced and may last longer if you try push them into doing something they don't want to do.

Don't think they will be like this for their whole lives, and be in a "dead end job" they will find themselves. It just takes sometimes longer for autistic people to discover what we want. Best thing is to support them through this and give them time to adjust and then support them with whatever option they choose. Education is never too late to go into and anyone can achieve anything they truly want to become even if that means taking a break for abit and taking time to find themselves and figuring out what they want.

I wish you and your son all the best.

66Mustang

Hi @JulieArt

I can relate to much of what you say!!! Many of the things you mention are conversations I had with my own parents...

I had no friends at that age, despite (in others opinions) having a similar nature of friendlies and good morals. The thing is a lot of people at that age, especially boys, are very aggressive and macho and if you don't fit in with that then you don't make friends. As I got older (I'm 30 now) I realised everyone has their place, from the aggressive, to the more gentle; plus, as an adult, most other adults will accept you regardless - in fact in many ways the gentle personality is actually superior

Something I learnt is boys with autism tend to struggle acutely while growing up but start to improve at 20 or so, and oppositely girls with autism get through early years better (perhaps because shoolchildren are more accepting of young girls that don’t live up to their gender stereotypes compared to boys) but then start to find stuff hard when they reach 20ish

R.e. jobs I too left school with few qualifications despite being predicted to get a full house of highest grades. I think what’s important is finding something you love doing and that is a reward in itself, the money is just a necessary evil that enables you to live. Are there any jobs he wants to do rather than simply is capable of doing?

I would take stuff one step at a time and I would also say that when you get the ball rolling, stuff starts to fall into place. It’s almost like a domino effect, the struggle is that is takes a monumental effort to get things started off…once you do that first step you are half way there

Maybe also look at some positives, although difficult. You could even build on some of these preexisting positives, rather than try to start from scratch. He goes out walking, that’s so good for you mentally and physically…also from what you say he sounds is an intelligent and lovely person so will have a lot going for him and I am sure he will find his way in time

Good luck

JulieArt

Thanks both of you for your lovely replies.  Yup I’m certain it’s burnout.  The pressure to catch up once school returned was far too much for him.  

He won’t even discuss it but there’s a college course in Computer Animation I’m sure he’d love to do.  He doesn’t have the required qualifications but I see that they let mature students do the course if they have “life experience” so it gives me some hope that he could do this if he wants to, in a few years.  

I feel a bit more positive now because he got up early and made pancakes, then brought down his washing and said, mum I’ll need clean clothes if I’m applying for jobs!  I felt like hugging him, but don’t worry I didn’t 😂, I just said that’s the best thing you’ve said in a long time!  It gives me hope.

66Mustang

@JulieArt

That's so nice to hear!!

I hope you stick around on here as there are numerous regular members on here who have autism, from different backgrounds and of various ages, along with people who care for autistic people as well...I find there is often someone who can relate - even if in part - and there will probably be people who would benefit from your experience as well

I've seen that "life experience" is often desired by employers and educational organisations and if you think about it there are plenty of people even without health issues who have to completely change career and have few transferrable skills but are desirable because of their life experience. If you add the autism back in perhaps the fact that someone has gained their experience despite additional challenges would highlight resilience and adaptability which are desirable traits

A bit different as he doesn't have any health issues but my Dad recently had to find a new job after having to retire from a 35 year career, he had very few transferrable skills as he was from quite an applied/niche field. He had not even written a CV in all that time!! He approached several employers and despite adverts asking for certain qualifications he was offered 6 or 7 jobs based on his experiences!

MW123

66Mustang said:

A bit different as he doesn't have any health issues but my Dad recently had to find a new job after having to retire from a 35 year career, he had very few transferrable skills as he was from quite an applied/niche field. He had not even written a CV in all that time!! He approached several employers and despite adverts asking for certain qualifications he was offered 6 or 7 jobs based on his experiences!

@66Mustang
It's incredibly heart warming and inspiring to hear about your dad's experience in navigating the job market after retiring from a lengthy career in a niche field. The fact that he was offered multiple job opportunities in spite of not having updated his CV in decades and lacking the specific qualifications mentioned in job adverts is a testament to the value of experience and the unique skills one acquires over a long career.