Desperate help needed for 8 year old

nannabear

I need desperate help for my grandson. He has been diagnosed with autism (high complex needs) and is currently waiting for a diagnosis of ADHD. He was non verbal but although he can't hold a conversation, he can tell you what he wants and needs. On one hand he is the most loving and caring boy but he has a violent side, that we as a family are trying to control and understand but are losing the battle. He was sent to a 'normal' school but we have been trying to get him into a specialist SEN school for nearly 2 years with nothing but rejections and now appeals. My daughter is a single parent with a younger daughter (also waiting for assessment of ADHD) and is struggling. He has now been expelled due to his violence, he is becoming more violent towards his mum and little sister. The authorities are discussing putting him in care as a safe guard against his mum and sister, which is the last thing he needs or we want.

This is the first time as a family we have had to deal with a SEN child and need help with understanding how to control his anger and violence. We will not give up on him, there must be something we are missing or can do to help control his outbursts

Please help!

SaraC_Scope

Hi @nannabear Welcome to the community. I'm sorry your family are going through a tough time, with limited support.

We had a challenging time with our adopted son, so understand those outbursts of anger and not knowing how best to support him. We recognised he had traits of Pathological Demand Avoidance (PDA) and found some strategies to change our parenting style.

Every situation is unique but I've put the link here, for information. PDA Society

I'm sure more community members will offer more support and guidance. Please take care.

Mary_Scope

Hi @nannabear and a warm welcome to the community from me!

This sounds like a really stressful situation for all of you, it's really good that you are reaching out for support and it sounds like you're doing everything you can to help your daughter and grandchildren.

To help figure out what might be sparking the increase in violence toward his mum and sister, it can be really helpful to start a trigger diary to look for common patterns.

The PDA information that Sara mentioned may be worth exploring too, especially if you find that the violence is coming from place of anxiety and/or demand avoidance.

Have you or your family used any PDA strategies before? Also, just so I don't end up suggest things you've already tried, what kind of strategies have you tried in the past when trying to manage or calm his violent outbursts?

How are you feeling today?

bookrabbit

My son was taken into care because he was a danger to his siblings but not until it had taken everything from the rest of us. I was completely broken by the time it played out and had failed to protect his younger siblings which I will forever feel guilty about because they have been severely mentally damaged by it.

He needed a team of people to meet his needs not just me. He needed an environment where he could be himself without hurting the rest of his family. He needs safe space in which to vent his frustrations and fresh rested people to interact with and engage him.

Don't dismiss the idea of boarding school if it's offered. If he is causing this much difficulty now it's only going to get worse when he reaches puberty and is bigger and stronger.

I don't only grieve because I lost him I grieve because I damaged all of us because I waited too long. I would be a better advocate for him now if I wasn't such a wreck both mentally and physically.

Rachel_Scope

I'm so sorry @bookrabbit. I can't imagine how difficult this is for you all. I have worked with SEN children, some of which were physically aggressive and it was incredibly difficult to keep them and others safe. I only dealt with that during school hours, their parents, just like you, have that reality every day. Please don't be too hard on yourself. The support offered isn't always sufficient and I feel that a lot of families are forgotten.

It sounds like your son is in a better place where there will be more people to meet his needs. Is there a plan in place for him to return home at all?

Maybe seeking mental health support for your family would be a good idea so you can all deal with what has happened. Does that seem like something you would be able to do?

nannabear

thank you your feedback and comments. We will continue doing everything we can to help him but will also take on board the advise given 🙂

Mary_Scope

It sounds like you are doing your best to support your grandson and are a great advocate for him @nannabear 😊. Do you have support for yourself too?