Autism and Aspergers
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Autism, Learning Difficulties & Aggression

catagratcatagrat Member Posts: 1 Listener
edited April 2019 in Autism and Aspergers
Hello everyone,
So great to find somewhere where we can speak out to other parents about our children.
My son was diagnosed with Autism and learning difficulties at the age of 14. So after reading all your stories, I realised there are other Mothers out there who are also having problems with caring for their sons or daughters! My son goes to college a foundation course for teenagers with learning difficulties. He won’t communicate with other pupils in his class. He spent his whole school life placed in a normal school not being able to communicate or make friends, he has Severe anxiety no confidence, and hates being different. He has just had two weeks off school for Easter and he will not leave his bedroom, he sleeps and eats in his bedroom, and just wants to play his xbox all day long!

He is also now nearly 6ft talk and is as strong as an ox. We open his door and ask if he needs anything or would he let me trim his beard (as he has had a full heavy beard since age of 13.) All we get is go away leave me alone, I don’t want you touching me. when he does come out of his room, to communicate he kicks and punches his Dad and me, hails lots of verbal abuse at us both, telling us we’re not his parents and why did we adopt him, and again hurls loads of verbal abuse.

So we are really struggling to cope with him, we just want him to be able to have some sort of life after we’re gone, but it’s heart breaking seeing him in his room and there is such a huge world to explore if only we could get him outside!
We have zero friends, our family don’t keep in touch and to them our son doesn’t exist, and we are just a dysfunctional family,  we have never had respite care, never had a babysitter and always had to care for him ourselves.
i just wonder if any of you have the same sort of struggles and if any of you have tried prescribed drugs and if they worked at all? We have always been dead against drugs, but we really don’t know what to do!

I am disabled with chronic back problems, since the last 4 years and just finding it overwhelming being able to cope with him.

Would love to hear your thoughts if any of you have an autistic son who is similar, verbal, aggressive and physically abusive.

Replies

  • steve51steve51 Member Posts: 7,175 Disability Gamechanger
    Hi @catagrat

    Welcome to our community/family it’s great to meet meet this evening.

    Yes we do have other members in similar situations as yourself.

    Here is one that I do hope is helpful????

    https://www.scope.org.uk/news-and-stories/alone-and-financially-struggling-to-support-my-autistic-son

    Please please let me know if you need any further help/assistance??????

    @steve51

  • Ami2301Ami2301 Member Posts: 7,440 Disability Gamechanger
    Hi @catagrat welcome to the community! When you have time, have a look at the discussions in our Parents and Carers and Autism message boards. We will support you as much as we can and we are always here for when you need to talk or have any questions :)
    Disability Gamechanger - 2019
  • thespicemanthespiceman Member Posts: 6,408 Disability Gamechanger

    Hello @catagrat  Pleased to meet you welcome.

    Thank you for joining and sharing.

    Sorry to hear what you are going through.  You have come to the right place for support, information.

    I am one of the team of community champions .  We advise, guide and help new members who join the forum.

    Please may I suggest have you spoken to The Autistic Society.?

    Have helpline 020 7833 2299

    Monday to Thursday 10.00am to 4pm.

    Friday 9am to 3pm.

    They may be ale to offer some guidance and advice.

    I know there are members of our community who have similar circumstances. Who might in touch to offer further advice or guidance.

    We are here as a community to help, advise.

    Ready to be supportive and listen. 

    Keep in touch.

    Pleasure to meet you.

    Take care.

    @thespiceman

    Community Champion
    SCOPE Volunteer Award Engaging Communities 2019
    Mental Health advice, guidance and information to all members
    Nutrition, Diet, Wellbeing, Addiction.
    Recipes
  • SparkleSheffieldAutismAdvisorsSparkleSheffieldAutismAdvisors Member Posts: 32 Pioneering
    Hi @catagrat

    It's not easy being the carer of a child with aggressive behaviours, you're not alone and we will help with any advice possible, just ask away!

    There are drugs that can be prescribed for anxiety, you would need to speak to your GP or receive a referral to your local CAMHS (Child and Adolescent Mental Health Services), which again can be done through your GP or Paediatrician if you have one. I would also advice that you speak with your son's teacher/college, they will have had experience in these situations and can give more advice knowing your son already. 

    There are some alternative things you can try in the meantime though, which may or may not be suitable. Here are some general ideas; please do say if you'd like more information on any of them, or if any of the ideas are not suitable and we can try and come up with some other ideas too!

    You say that your son doesn't like it when you open his door, could you all agree to a compromise of when/how you communicate with him? For example; agree to check in with him at set times each day, so then he'll know when to expect you coming and it's not unplanned. Also, could you agree to ask set questions when you do check in with him, such as what he would like for food, or if he needs any help with anything? If he dislikes having his beard trimmed it may be worth not mentioning that for the time being, until you have created positive ways of him communicating with others. 

    For a lot of young people, emotions are difficult at the best of times let alone adding autism and hormones into the equation! Would he be able to use an emotions chart (numbers of 1-5, 1 being he feels good, and 5 being very angry, these are readily available online)? Then he could identify the times where he's at a number 5 and doesn't want anyone to interact with him, and times where he's a 2/3 and is able to interact. 

    I'm unsure how his learning difficulties affect his every day life, but could you sit and speak with him, and involve him in the process of deciding what would and wouldn't work for him, including the suggestions above? If so, he is much more likely to take on board things to help him, as he is being included in that process. If it's not possible at home, maybe it is something that his college could work on with him? Gaining an insight of what/how he would like things to happen may be very beneficial as it would start the ball rolling in terms of moving forward.

    Don't forget, everything you've said above shows that you are wiling to try and help your son, and although it may not feel like it at times, you are working hard to give him the best possible outcomes. It may feel at times like it's one step forward and three steps back; but even small steps are progress and that can be built on over time. 

    Additionally, have you had a carers assessment completed by your social worker? This may enable you to have additional support caring for your son taking into account your own health needs and lack of family support. Also, Direct Payments support is also an avenue to explore in relation to having extra carers help to support you in caring for your son. 

    Please do reply if there's anything more specific you'd like to run through! 
  • vysvadervysvader Member Posts: 134 Courageous
    edited April 2019
    Hi dear "Cata",

    You greet anyone, I'm also one so nice to meet you. I'd read your story with one friend of mine and he immediately memorized his own story when he was 18 and his grandmom (living with them) came into his room during sex with his girlfriend to lovingly introduce herself (the house owner), shake hands with his naked girlfriend, and ask if she wants a tea or something to eat (I cite, because as she said her naked girlfriend: "Mike is so impolite that doesn't offer the food or introduce his family... Ahhh, I apologize for him, he doesn't know what is hygiene or introduction" : )))). When his girlfriend left, the house owner said: "this is my house and I can do in my house whatever I want!".

    Once, all of us were teens and living in a house of someone else. I'm 34 (perhaps, in your age) and as any other adult am happy to live away from my relatives. Not only because it cost me only 1/2 of the rent that I paid my parents (they were more expensive than strangers) but because strange landlords respected the law and gave me to know 2 days ahead before they entered their property.

    Cata, I understand you but in despite... I have measured my IQ (with a result above 130) by an accredited psychologist from an in-person session (no online test), I underwent personality tests from multiple psychologists with good results, and I haven't got any learning difficulties or problems to make friends, don't have any proven history of violence thus I had never been convicted... But I think, I try to imagine how should I/others react in his situation... And how should other people react? How would anyone react? Even if he's your own son, the low guarantees him protection against your touches or violence (as by a definition, if you fight him to cut off his cultivated bread then it's counted as domestic violence) in the same way as anyone else on this forum. If someone tries to touch me and rejects to stop despite my expressed disagreement, many repeated disagreements or even worse, the person goes angry that I disagreed as you did right now with your son... Or it happens to my wife or anyone from my cycles then anyone would expect an effort (either from me, or anyone else) for a self-defensive/defensive reaction (and anyone is aware of it) that goes fully along with the low and any good manners, it will not make me or anyone else in the situation an asocial person. Perhaps, I don't like it but if you won't give us any other option, you don't stop despite the fact that you've heard that this is against the free will of the person which you touch (when the touched person has already multiple times expressed, said that you should stop with it) then will use any necessarily needed power to stop you. If we live in the US and you touch someone on their property, fully legally and along with acceptable social manners, the chances are, Americans will approach you armed because they may legally and straightaway shot you out anytime you try to touch them... In the UK, if the self-defender isn't skilled enough, doesn't know how to physically stop you without big injuries (as none who doesn't study self-defense), then you can expect broken joints or bones... From someone powerful as an ox, you should be already a few times hospitalized.

    Best regards,
    J. Vysvader
    You can feel free to get in touch 
  • Adrian_ScopeAdrian_Scope Testing team Posts: 7,924

    Scope community team

    edited April 2019
    Thank you for your reply to @Catagrat, it is kind of you to take the time to give such a detailed reply.  You clearly have an understanding of your own boundaries in relation to contact and you are correct whether in the US or UK, everyone has the right to manage their personal space or whether to have any physical contact.

    You may however have misread Catagrat, they are not saying they are making physical contact without permission, only that they have offered to help and assist their son, he has refused that help and the parents clearly struggling and are unsure about how to help their son without crossing the line of any physical contact without consent. 

    Hi @Catagrat and a warm welcome to the community, I'm really glad you found us! I hope you find support from Sparkle Sheffield, they have some positive and helpful suggestions that you may not have considered.  Please do ask any further questions on here as there will be other parents/carers that will be able to support and share their experiences that may help you.

    If you would prefer to speak to someone you can call our Helpline on 0808 800 3333.
    Senior Community Partner
    Scope

    Your feedback is really important to the development of the online community, so please remember to complete our online community annual survey
  • vysvadervysvader Member Posts: 134 Courageous
    edited April 2019
    Adrian_Scope,

    Thanks for your reply. Yes, of course. I left it open while it's open, while I haven't seen anything explicit (except the oversight of his free will). In another case, I would've already mentioned that domestic violence is a job for a govt social worker, not a medical worker prescribing sedatives (meantime, I wasn't such quick). Adrian, I don't think that you did but if you have already tried to approach someone with razor blades in your hands as her husband and you went for it with a surprise, you entered his private space without an invitation (to shave him, not kill him as one with anxiety could be unsure about it despite your best plans and additionally, see himself disrespected) then we could know what could be the reaction. Even, if a person isn't anxious at all, with the razor and even the touches of his face alone, or the care as with 2 years old children/pet, we would wait for an enormous wave of anger. I've never tried it, I don't know, maybe, someone else knows better than two of us. But if someone will have to try things like this then should be aware of predictable consequences. Self-Defense is one of the possible outcomes. I just said where it goes to.

    Best regards,
    J. Vysvader
    You can feel free to get in touch 
  • jbautismaware11jbautismaware11 Member Posts: 15 Connected
    edited April 2019
    Hi @catagrat
    I absolutely loved reading your post about your son.
    It made me feel alot better that I'm not the only one out there. My son is the exact same as yours just younger. Severe anxiety, hair, but no beard, xbox, no communication, no respite and house bound. No family, my family wont watch my son as they say "He's too much hard work"
    WELL TRUST ME WHEN I SAY....
    YOUR strong and your hanging in there and u are not giving up nor will u ever give up. Reading your post, although it's for Help, really opened up my eyes that I'm not the only one out there and there's the same things going on in this world.
    Your the one whos strong as an ox because without you, he wouldn't be where he is today. I know it's hard and I'm the exact same. Nice to meet you and anytime you would like to chat, im here x 💪👏❤
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