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Asperger and adults

Dawniegirl Member Posts: 1 Listener
edited September 2019 in Autism and neurodiversity
Hi I am new here we have a 19 year old daughter with Aspergers. We have always managed to deal with her meltdowns with friendships being the worst. We have always allowed her to be independent she has managed to pass her driving test. Found herselfe a boyfriend that she had for just under a year. He has decided he cannot live with her and issues. Major meltdown and my heart is breaking as she is chasing him constantly as she can’t not let go.  Contestant tears and just not understanding things. My heart is breaking I don’t know how to deal with her it seems as she is getting older her meltdowns are getting worse. Any useful tips from anyone x


  • Chloe_Scope
    Chloe_Scope Scope Posts: 10,557 Disability Gamechanger
    Hi @Dawniegirl and a very warm welcome to the community! I'm sorry to hear about your daughters relationship, this must be so difficult to see.

    Have you ever been in contact with the National Autistic Society? They have online support and a helpline:

    Number: 0808 800 4104

    Times: Monday to Thursday 10am-4pm and Friday 9am-3pm

    I am tagging our Autism advisor @SparkleSheffieldAutismAdvisors, who might be able to provide some more advice.

  • LaughingLolly
    LaughingLolly Member Posts: 100 Pioneering
    @Dawniegirl Have you looked at any of Alis Rowe's books about autism and relationships? Also, can you find a way of getting her to see how it might feel or seem from the guys perspective please? Keeping her busy and active and enjoying as many aspects of life is also important because even if she eventually finds a boyfriend who is interested she will need to learn how not to be obsessive over him. An illustration that can be useful is to draw a series of boxes that represent the persons life, fill each box with important things - including relationships and marriage. Make sure each box is equally sized and explain that this is how relationships needs to be - part of someone's life and not the whole of it. You could also draw a page where the relationship takes up most of the page and the other things are really small. Ask her how a person would feel if the really big box got taken away if it was such a big part of her life. 

    Actually relationships do need to be a big box of commitment but because in the ASD mind there is a tendency toward obsession anyway if they are allowed to become too big it might not be realised that they have become the latest focus. 

    I hope this all helps. 

    The other thing to remember is that you can never be too patient or kind. Autism and especially female autism is a life-long condition which can be emotionally painful and exhausting. Having people who tirelessly support you is so important at any stage and she will be able to refer to this in later life even when you are no longer there to support her through these meltdowns. 

    Joining an aspergers support group can also help. Mostly people with aspergers would prefer to talk online rather than in person but there are a few womens groups online that might be useful. Other than that distraction and engagement in new things are the main way forward. 
    A laugh a day keeps the psychiatrist at bay. 
  • April2018mom
    April2018mom Posts: 2,868 Connected
    Join a autism support group. Seriously it can help you. On bad days they can act as moral support and on good days they can celebrate with you. If nothing else, you can swap ideas and strategies to try. If you get on well with other members consider meeting up. Remember autism is a lifelong disorder there is no cure yet. 
    Make the effort to find one. Use Facebook or try Google. Having someone who understands is crucial. You can ask questions and swap tips and hints as well. What could be better? I could not have coped with out my support group during the first year of Logan’s life. Seriously. 
  • Chloe_Scope
    Chloe_Scope Scope Posts: 10,557 Disability Gamechanger
    Hi @Dawniegirl, how are you getting on?

  • SparkleSheffieldAutismAdvisors
    SparkleSheffieldAutismAdvisors Member Posts: 32 Pioneering
    Hi @Dawniegirl, how are you? Is there anything we can help you with? Feel free to ask if there's anything we can advise on!

    The Sparkle Sheffield Team 
  • WhileIBreathIHope
    WhileIBreathIHope Posts: 216 Connected
    My experience having a childhood diagnosis there were no support groups- so I find that my opinion of the NAS and support groups attract egotistical idealistic people who wish to frame autism as a defined box while cashing in on the “product” being high value care packages or selling courses.

    NAS is 80% government funded arms length third sector, which I KNOW FOR A FACT TAKES ON UNSAFE RESIDENTIAL CLIENTS AS THEY WANT THE FUNDS.

    40 years plus living with it, I have a partner of decade plus and two children and a dog, I found the “support” as a child smothered me, killed any confidence and so called self proclaimed experts the very worst along with NAS tame sock puppets.

    Focus on what your Daughter can do, special skills etc and until at least 25-30 partners are not soulmates often as one or both outgrow the situation as long as no life long diseases or unwanted children- let it play out.

    I wish you luck


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