i've been trying to put into words how my workplace anxiety effects me cause after starting another course and getting more theory done i'm seeing that i can do self employment but my anxiety is the biggest barrier i have.
i had written this down earlier (edited for brevity and to omit personal info). but for context, i'm autistic with adhd / cptsd etc. and i've been out of work for 2 years this month.
The issue I'm having is that when there
are times I zone out and be “unprofessional” as a result due to my disability,
I will make social mistakes that lead to me being let go. Like last week at a course I was so tired
and overstimulated I said “I’m not able to do anything at the moment” very
loudly and ended up having to walk out because I was exhausted. I could not
control how I come across as a result.
It’s these kinds of situations that
aren’t appropriate for the workplace and I fear that when these slipups happen
it would trigger me being managed out. Or alternatively, I end up making a well
meaning or bad decision without knowing it and causing offense.
Likewise,
I fear having any form of professional presence online as I may break the unwritten social
rules of the world of work without realising that may leads to me losing my career because of backlash
and people thinking I know what I’m doing and know what is expected of me at
all times (which is impossible for me).
working for someone else feels like torture to me. it reminds me of past trauma where if i wanted to torture myself i'd return to live with my abusive family who never wanted me to succeed to work). I don’t know how to
practically address these issues other than have a job with minimal social
interaction with others (or I can very strictly control how I come across, such
as with pre-recorded videos or podcasts).
One reason I lost my last job is cause I
need a lot of help to understand what is expected of me and where I am in
comparison to where I should be and in that job I was completely oblivious
until I was told directly. It turns out I was so far behind where I should be
that my colleagues were doing lots of my tasks for me and it was eventually
easier for them to let me go as I had become a burden. whereas i thought i was doing well and had exceeded my own expectations.
If I was not told, I
would have never known until years later if at all, but many employers will
expect me to know these rules. It took well me over a year to realise my line
manager / HR were going through the usual process of managing an employee out
in my case (ie. By collecting written evidence to cover their back, give me
unrealistic goals for me to meet) and that was only cause I watched YouTube
videos.
I cannot see any employer being willing
to accommodate my needs (and my anxiety amplifies this) and there will still be
more I don’t know about. As it is, they had told me they ere concerned about me
staying in the job incase I developed “more issues later on” and I’m guessing
this is in part what they were referring to. All the advice i’ve seen is aimed
at neurotypicals and is useless to me. I’m autistic so work will always be
difficult for me and I’ll be constantly struggling to monitor my conduct.
I'm at a total loss on how to navigate the workplace and a lot of the advice i get on google is to be frank, useless (largely cause its aimed at NTs). and i don't care what the law says cause i have no faith in the law and i've been priced out of any form of justice. reasonable accommodations are basically whatever the employer thinks is reasonable which can be nothing if they so desire.
if anyone who has been in this position has any relevant ideas i'd appreciate it. which means nothing to do with the law, tyhe typical advice you'd find on google, and nothing about institutions that are supposed to help (on paper) anyway. i have to go self employed to protect myself and migrate from this cesspit of a country as soon as possible.
