Issues with conflict

66Mustang

Sorry, I didn't really know where to post this so please feel free to move it if appropriate. Thanks.

I have a problem in that I find any kind of social conflict, arguments, anger, bad moods, grumpiness, etc. very hard to deal with and am wondering whether anyone has any suggestions.

I don’t know whether it’s due to issues like my autism and anxiety, or whether it is just part of my personality, but it affects my life and so is something I would like to change.

I have to avoid any possibility of conflict and so I avoid most conversations and interaction. I don’t watch most TV (especially soaps and things like that) because of the possible conflict. I have to turn off the radio if any politics or other debatable topics come up. I even don’t click on threads on forums (including this one) if they are political or if they start to become argumentative.

However, most notably, I avoid certain people in my family who can be particularly cantankerous as much as I can, which causes upset to both me and the other person.

I even avoid things if there is a possibility of conflict, not just because I know it will happen.

It doesn’t matter whether the conflict involves me or is between two other people - I don’t like hearing conflict, even if it doesn’t involve me. I am especially interested by the fact that I avoid fiction on the television as that affects me even though it is not real.

I’m just wondering if anyone else has experienced similar and what you did about it; I would like to know whether there is any help available to deal with this.

Thanks.

janer1967

Hi there 

I would discuss with your gp or medical team I'm not knowledge about your condition but logic makes me think it will be connected 

Is there any information on the autism society website at all 

As above maybe counselling or therapy could help 

Lots of people shy away from conflict 

66Mustang

Thank you @woodbine and @janer1967

I would definitely consider some kind of counselling but don’t think I’d be a priority as I know resources are scarce at the moment, also I can’t afford to have it privately

I will definitely mention it next time I get to speak to a medical person be it my GP or the psychiatrist 

I will have a look at some autism websites, thanks for that suggestion too

Tori_Scope

I know it can be difficult to identify, but have you tried drilling down to get to the core of why you find yourself avoiding conflict to such an extent @66Mustang? Understanding the causes might help you to work out ways of feeling more comfortable exposing yourself to (safe) situations in which there may be some conflict.

For example, could it be the noise of people raising their voices? Does it bring up difficult memories around conflict you've experienced in the past? Is it because you're not sure how to respond when conflict is happening in your presence? There could be lots of causes.

chiarieds

Hi @66Mustang - I don't know whether the following will help, but it helped me better understand avoiding conflict. It doesn't go into conflict on the TV, however. I don't know enough about the subject, but the first 2 articles seemed to make sense to me.....keep scrolling down.  Please see: https://www.healthline.com/health/conflict-avoidance

Reg

Hello @66Mustang

I do not have any personal experience but my friend and neighbour experiences the same feelings as you and so can not talk about any type of conflictual situation, cope with an argument or watch TV where there is any element of conflict.

With your family, I wondered if you wrote to them to explain how any time of he conflict made you feel if they would change their behaviour, or at least modify it, so you could see them and enjoy spending time with them? Alternatively, could a friend or other family member talk to them about the impact of how they behave on you? It may be a case of them having no insight until they are told how you are affected.

I appreciate that they may be too cantankerous to change how they respond but if that is the case then it is their loss.

My friend has found that counselling really helped her though she still avoids situations that make her anxious or stressed as she has concluded that is the best option for her.

I hope you are able to get a referral for counselling  and that the wait time is not too long. 

66Mustang

@Teddybear12 thanks for the kind words - you are right about the waiting list!

@Tori_Scope I haven’t tried that and don’t know whether there is a core reason but that’s something interesting to look into, thanks.

@chiarieds I can relate to that quite a lot, thanks for sharing it. I have bookmarked it to read again as I think it will be helpful.

@Reg Thank you. I did actually discuss with a different family member about maybe telling the family member in question but they thought it may cause more harm than good i.e. cause them to become more angry? I am of the opinion that it is worth the “risk”, though, and that they need to know. I can appreciate their opinion though. I guess I need to change as well as there will always be conflict and I can't go about avoiding it.

leeCal

Hi @66Mustang, if you follow this link and scroll down a bit it says that you can receive free counselling on the NHS and refer yourself for it.
https://www.nhs.uk/mental-health/talking-therapies-medicine-treatments/talking-therapies-and-counselling/counselling/

Also, I can’t help thinking that if we all experienced conflict avoidance the world would be a better place, no?

good luck with it old chap. ?

66Mustang

Thanks very much @leeCal

I agree with your thinking but I accept sometimes conflict is necessary i.e. to fight crime or other injustice. But then again if we all followed conflict avoidance would there be no crime in the first place  ?