What would you do if not for your anxiety?

Biblioklept

I've noticed lots of you suffer with anxiety like me and wondered if you've thought about the things it stops you doing. 

What would you do if not for your anxiety?

Mine would be go out more. I worry so much about what people think about me to the extent it stops me even trying. 
I'd also try new things more. I give up when I try lots of things as I start getting worried about the outcome or not being good enough  

leeCal

You can do little or nothing about what others think of you @Biblioklept so why bother with what they think, it’s a waste of energy and spoils life.

my anxiety is to do with safety. If I felt safer on public transport for example, I’d use it more for long distance travelling. I think if the police were more visible it would lighten my load somewhat, 

66Mustang

Not sure as it is obsessive thoughts that stop me doing most things even though it is the anxiety that these thoughts cause that is most relevant. If I still had the thoughts but they didn’t cause any anxiety, I don’t know how that would work!

I’d be able to do things alone like cook with knives etc.

Have a simple cup of tea.

I’d drive on the motorway for long distances, like up and down the country or even to other countries.

Maybe go out alone.

Have a job.

Maybe live alone.

That’s just a few of the things, I’m sure there are more!!

Biblioklept

leeCal said:

You can do little or nothing about what others think of you @Biblioklept so why bother with what they think, it’s a waste of energy and spoils life.

I know you're right but it's much easier to say than do when you've let it control you as long as I have! 

leeCal said:

my anxiety is to do with safety. If I felt safer on public transport for example, I’d use it more for long distance travelling. I think if the police were more visible it would lighten my load somewhat, 

I'm with you on safety, that's another huge one for me.   
Do you have much of a police presence where you live? 

Biblioklept

66Mustang said:

Maybe go out alone.

Have a job.

Maybe live alone.

You don't have to answer this but what is the longest you've ever been on your own? 

66Mustang

@Biblioklept

I’ve been on my own for 2 nights several years ago but had lots of ready food left for me like pre-packed sandwiches and the like. I struggled quite a bit but got through it.

In recent times the longest has just been for the working day so say from 8-5 when my parent who doesn’t work has been away and the one who does work hasn’t been able to get the time off.

I have to go with my parents whenever they go for a break away which I often feel embarrassed about and feel really sorry for them as they don’t get any time away from me!! I offer to stay in my hotel room while they go for a meal or something as at least that’s something but they always say no because they want me to come too.

In some ways I wish I was into relationships as I’d maybe try to find someone in a similar position and we could help each other but I just couldn’t cope with living with someone else that closely  

Sorry that was probably a longer answer than you wanted  

Biblioklept

No it was really interestng thanks for sharing @66Mustang. One thing I know is that anxiety and avoiding stuff feeds the anxiety and can make it worse. So like the more you don't make hot drinks the more you'll worry about it and the more you'll possibly have intrusive thoughts when making them as you've not done it etc but it's so hard and obviously I don't know you or your full situation. 

66Mustang said:

In some ways I wish I was into relationships as I’d maybe try to find someone in a similar position and we could help each other but I just couldn’t cope with living with someone else that closely  

Learning each others boundaries and giving space is really important in all relationships and if you got to the stage of moving in with someone you'd have long ago learned each other's boundaries and be comfortable enough with one another so never say never if it ever is something that interests you! 

leeCal

I haven’t seen the police on the beat, ie on foot, for decades. I rarely see them in a car either for that matter. However I’d like to see them more often on trains etc to prevent anti social behaviour which I have experienced the last two times I’ve been on a train. 

66Mustang

@Biblioklept

Yes I’ve been told that about the anxiety before though I’m sure we can agree facing the anxiety is easier said than done haha! My psychiatrist actually has a big phobia of dogs and he admits his coping mechanism is to avoid dogs rather than gradual exposure or anything. His opinion is that he can get through life avoiding dogs so he will do so. I guess that’s harder with something like driving on the motorway or making a hot drink, though!

Sandy_123

I would definitely be out more, travelling places, instead of thinking its not safe and weather If something happens. 

Biblioklept

travelling is a great one @Sandy_123 I realise I think it is my number 1

66Mustang

I sometimes wonder if I’d be a bad person without the anxiety?

I feel my anxiety does hold me back and “tames” me - and perhaps maybe that’s partially a good thing?

As an example, family members say I’m diplomatic and good at listening to angry/upset people and helping them come back to rationality. I think part of the reason for that is I’m scared of anger and don’t want to upset them further; I think if I didn’t have the anxiety and someone was angry I’d perhaps tell them they are being unreasonable and to wind their neck in (or words to that effect)!!! In reality I just agree with whatever they are saying and try to calm them down, which maybe comes across as diplomacy?

I guess that’s a useful aspect to anxiety? I’m sure there are more.

Does anyone else feel similar at all, in that their anxiety has some positive aspects or that it affects their personality in such a way that others like?

Biblioklept

I've had that same thought @66Mustang. I care very much (too much usually) about what people think of me which makes me too amenable sometimes. I wonder if it wasn't for my anxiety if I would be a meaner person, as I do have unkind thoughts at times. 

I more often than not just agree with people for a quiet life. I'm unable to say no to people too. But I do have a bit more agency and confidence with standing up for myself online. Even then though, I still end up crying over even small disagreements.  

Anxiety is biologically meant to keep us safe, so of course it has positives. I guess it's when it gets out of hand and too risk averse that it stops you living that it's a problem. 

66Mustang

Yes that makes sense. Out of curiosity, why do you care what people think about you? Just wondering as I can relate to a lot of your experiences r.e. anxiety but never really cared about what people thought of me! 

I’m even scared of standing up to people online, though! I used to argue all the time on the internet as a teenager - not as a “troll”, just standing up for what I believed in, but I even find that hard now!!

Out of curiosity, how are you in real life when people want your money? I am quite good at saying no to salespeople, beggars, charity workers and the like (as for the last two it’s not that I don’t want to help, it’s just that I can’t afford to help everyone).

L_Volunteer

What makes you wonder if you'd be a bad person without the anxiety @66Mustang. I'm just intrigued. 

I hear that you think it might be a good thing that anxiety holds you back and "tames" you. What sorts of things does this apply to? - do you mean like where you feel there might be a risk of some sort?

I can hear how other people's comments and feedback contribute to the way you feel about anxiety. I think it is really positive that you can identify some of the positives of anxiety as well as some of the challenges 

Biblioklept

66Mustang said:

Yes that makes sense. Out of curiosity, why do you care what people think about you? Just wondering as I can relate to a lot of your experiences r.e. anxiety but never really cared about what people thought of me! 

That's difficult to answer as I don't really know. Logically I know what people think doesn't matter and on some level I don't care, but then I worry a lot. And in the past what people think has caused conflict for me. I'd much rather be invisible than to draw attention to myself. Maybe it's more their reactions to me than what they think? But I am a chronic overthinker. 

66Mustang said:

I’m even scared of standing up to people online, though! I used to argue all the time on the internet as a teenager - not as a “troll”, just standing up for what I believed in, but I even find that hard now!!

I'm getting better at standing up for myself online but it does come with the consequence that I go away and cry and feel awful for doing so and then guilty and beat myself up over it. But if I ever want to learn to like myself I should treat myself with respect and that means standing up for myself. Easier said than done. Most things I don't bother but very occasionally something will just rub me totally wrong or it's the final straw. 

66Mustang said:

Out of curiosity, how are you in real life when people want your money? I am quite good at saying no to salespeople, beggars, charity workers and the like (as for the last two it’s not that I don’t want to help, it’s just that I can’t afford to help everyone).

Awful. I can't say no. To anyone. I haven't been to a shop alone in years or used cash but when I did I was regularly short changed and never said anything. I remember one time I gave the shopkeeper a £20 and he gave me change for £10 and I knew and couldn't say anything and just accepted it. Beggars, charity workers, salespeople all get everything I have too. It got to the point I'd end up putting wrong details down as I was getting signed up to so many things and it was easier to make an error than to say no. 
Even when I've really struggled with money or down to last few pence I've still given it away when asked. I just can't say no to people. It's the same at work, I'm always the one asked to do extra or take on more because I'll just never say no and people know it.  

66Mustang

@L_Volunteer

When I said it “tames” me I meant more socially rather than it stopping me from doing anything dangerous. I’ve had lots of times where a family member would say something nasty to another family member and I’d want to step in and tell them not to speak like that, but I’ve been scared of the backlash I might receive so just stayed quiet.

The reason I think that’s perhaps a good thing is that often in the heat of arguments people say silly things so maybe it’s good I don’t join in. I’ll often have a quiet word later after I’ve had time to think rationally which is maybe what the arguing people should do in the first place!

@Biblioklept

I think I understand what you mean about it perhaps being peoples reaction rather than what they think. I guess that does matter to some extent as it’s something “real” to worry about rather than just their thoughts. A bit like if a colleague or boss doesn’t like something about you then who cares but if they act on that by treating you badly then it starts to matter?

r.e. respecting yourself by standing up for yourself - that’s a good point. I guess on a video game I’d just ignore a random insult because the person means nothing to me; however if someone on here said something to me I perhaps would respond. In some ways if I stand up to someone it could be a compliment to them as it means I do in fact care about what they think? If I just ignore an insult it means the person means nothing to me? Not sure if that’s the same with you?

As for saying “no” it does get easier. Have you thought about trying it first with family or even online, then expanding?