Remaining politically neutral during General Election 2024


Under guidance from the Electoral Commission and Charity Commission, it's important that Scope remains politically neutral during General Elections.

While we understand that this period will see many passionate discussions and do not want to discourage open discussion, we cannot allow discussions which are purely intended to influence voting.

As ever, please make sure that your comments remain respectful of other people's opinions and keep to our online community house rules.
Please read our community house rules and community guidelines.

Is it shallow to want understanding?

Options
66Mustang
66Mustang Community member Posts: 14,536 Disability Gamechanger
in Coffee lounge

I don’t think it’s a desire for sympathy, more just simple empathy and understanding. I think there’s a difference - I don’t want people to worry about me, unless there was something they could do to help. However I would want them to understand what things are like as I try to do for them

I have a family member who seems to enjoy playing what I perhaps crudely refer to as a game of “disability top trumps”. By this I mean that whenever someone tries to have a chat about health, she always makes an attempt to “trump” their heath problems with her own, and explain why she is worse off

I think it’s important to try to understand, as best as you can without lived experience, everyone’s individual situation. Particularly, I think that, a lot of the time, trying to compare or compete with others is actually not a helpful thing to do

I have several problems that are not rare but the combination of these problems, and the way this manifests, means my situation has not been come across by the majority of people. I get upset because often people don’t understand what it’s like to not be able to do, or not have done, the things that they take for granted

Is this shallow of me? I don’t think I am wanting peoples sympathy but rather just the same understanding that I try to do for them?

What do people think and can anyone share any of their own experiences, as I'd be interested to read them? :blush:

Thanks!

· Share on FacebookShare on Twitter

Comments

  • rubin16
    rubin16 Community member, Scope Member Posts: 670 Disability Gamechanger
    Options
    You are not alone in this, My nan who brought me up after my mum abandoned me (long story) is very very old school and has never once understood my mental health conditions and autism, and the limitations they have. She never understands or is sympathic towards why I can't do things sometimes and will always compare me with other people with the condition. (oh Chris Packham acts like this, or does that why can't you? etc). 

    My Dad also doesn't really understand it much either, so I don't get much understanding at home. The only time I get understanding really from people is on forums like this, and my autism groups I attend online.




    I have Autism, ADHD, Schizophrenia, Gilberts Syndrome and Crohn's Disease and have knowledge in these areas.


    · Share on FacebookShare on Twitter
  • Beaver79
    Beaver79 Community member Posts: 23,525 Disability Gamechanger
    edited May 12
    Options
    Understanding another person can be quite complex. @66Mustang Our understanding of another person is based to a certain extent on our own experience of life and how we have been treated.
    Mental Health has been brushed under the carpet for too long and seen as something that no one spoke about. It is better now but still has a long way to go. Lack of understanding is partly because what people do not understand they fear. 
    Plus another person has to want to understand what someone is experiencing and many people are not prepared to do this.

    You will always get people that try to trump you when you are trying to explain how you are feeling or how you would like to be understood more. The other person can be attention seeking and therefore all they see if themselves.

    I used to lead a team of 12 people who I thought I treated all the same, yet one of them told me I never acted of his ideas and gave more attention to another member of my team. We had regular team meeting and discussions where everyone could put forward there ideas and his were usually voted down not by me by the other members of the team. 
    When asked in what way I treated the other member of my team who he considered I gave more attention to he acknowledged that they were less confident than he was and therefore needed a little bit more encouragement. ( I had to dig for this information).

    I would suggest  that sometime lack of understanding can be down to thoughtlessness, or the other person not being prepared to try to understand your position.

    I would try to avoid as much as you can anyone that makes you feel negative about yourself. I appreciate that this is difficult when it is a family member.
    · Share on FacebookShare on Twitter
  • MW123
    MW123 Scope Member Posts: 564 Pioneering
    Options
    66Mustang said:

    I don’t think it’s a desire for sympathy, more just simple empathy and understanding. I think there’s a difference - I don’t want people to worry about me, unless there was something they could do to help. However I would want them to understand what things are like as I try to do for them

    I have a family member who seems to enjoy playing what I perhaps crudely refer to as a game of “disability top trumps”. By this I mean that whenever someone tries to have a chat about health, she always makes an attempt to “trump” their heath problems with her own, and explain why she is worse off

    I think it’s important to try to understand, as best as you can without lived experience, everyone’s individual situation. Particularly, I think that, a lot of the time, trying to compare or compete with others is actually not a helpful thing to do

    I have several problems that are not rare but the combination of these problems, and the way this manifests, means my situation has not been come across by the majority of people. I get upset because often people don’t understand what it’s like to not be able to do, or not have done, the things that they take for granted

    Is this shallow of me? I don’t think I am wanting peoples sympathy but rather just the same understanding that I try to do for them?

    What do people think and can anyone share any of their own experiences, as I'd be interested to read them? :blush:

    Thanks!

    Your feelings are far from shallow. It's entirely natural and reasonable to seek empathy and understanding from those around you, especially when dealing with complex health issues. You're not asking for others to feel sorry for you, you're asking for a basic level of recognition and understanding of your situation, which is a fundamental human need.
    The behaviour you describe in your family member, where she consistently tries to "trump" others health issues, is unfortunately not uncommon. This can be deeply frustrating and can make genuine understanding and support harder to find. It often stems from a person's need to feel seen and heard about their own struggles, but it can inadvertently dismiss or minimise other's experiences. 
    I've had to toughen up and continuously educate others about my disability. It's tiring, but it's valuable for increasing awareness and fostering understanding.
    · Share on FacebookShare on Twitter
  • Ada
    Ada Scope Member Posts: 16,066 Disability Gamechanger
    edited May 12
    Options
    I fear I may sometimes come across on here that I try to trump. But I’m not. If I say “I know because I also suffer from this “ it’s just my way of showing I completely understand and can emphasise with that person. But I know It may come across that way just because I have various physical and mental illnesses. It just means that I can relate to different folk. 
    I think it’s natural to want understanding and empathy. 
    Although Im my own worst enemy. I’m in one hand a very proud women who prefers to show I can be independent  and manage to do everything myself but end up in pain. 
    But on the other hand I would love my Mr. to at the least say “well done you” 
    and when I say on here that I got something done but am left in pain it’s not for sympathy it is however for that understanding and support that I do get. 

    The real understanding and empathy I do seek is with my Asperger and depression and anxiety. Not sympathy or a excuse. But to be recognised why I do go off balance on here at times. Like when I Fear I’ve upset folk if they haven’t mentioned me. And I don’t come across as the wise old bird I am. 
    Instead come across as a insecure timid child seeking attention. 

    I don't have to need Family or friends to try understand my brain wobbles as I have neither. But it took me thirteen years to tell Mr. I have Asperger. 
    I still won’t allow my Gp to discuss anything with Mr as outside of scope I am a very private person. 
    My landlords have no idea why I gave up work I would rather they thought I was lazy. 
    So I totally open up on Only Scope and knowing I do get understanding and empathy 
    · Share on FacebookShare on Twitter
  • MW123
    MW123 Scope Member Posts: 564 Pioneering
    edited May 12
    Options
    @Ada

    Your self-awareness truly stands out, and your experiences, wisdom, and empathy make a significant impact on the community. You may occasionally second-guess how others perceive you, but know that your openness is valued and teaches us so much. Continue to express yourself honestly, as those who genuinely care for you recognise the depth of your character beyond any perceived communication mishaps.
    We all grapple with the balance between staying true to ourselves while also considering how we come across to others. The fact that you reflect deeply on this speaks volumes about your thoughtful nature. Keep being your authentic self. Keep sharing your experiences to foster understanding and connection. Trust that the wise, wonderful woman you are will continue to radiate, even in moments when you fear you may have fallen short temporarily. We're all works-in-progress, keep shining your unique light Ada, us old ladies still have a lot to say!
    · Share on FacebookShare on Twitter
  • Ada
    Ada Scope Member Posts: 16,066 Disability Gamechanger
    Options
    MW123 and thank you for your lovely words xx
    · Share on FacebookShare on Twitter
  • MW123
    MW123 Scope Member Posts: 564 Pioneering
    Options
    Ada said:
    Bless your warm soul @MW123 and thank you for your lovely words xx
    Ada, I owe you a big thank you. A few months ago, when everyone was fretting about the government checking bank accounts, your response, though I can't recall the exact words, went something like: "If they check mine, they'll be surprised by how well I manage on so little." It still cracks me up. Ada, you are unique. Don't ever change; we love you just the way you are.
    · Share on FacebookShare on Twitter
  • JJinPA
    JJinPA Community member Posts: 34 Courageous
    Options
    Understanding is paramount in a relationship.  First I want to say, there is no such thing as normal.  Everyone deals with some issue that others find no issue with.  We each have our strengths and weaknesses.  So, understanding might go both ways.  But yes, it is disheartening and discouraging when those around you don't try to understand.  With me everyone close to me thought if I just decided not to be sick that I'd be fine.  It took me 20 years to discover the the cause(s) of my illness.  By then the relationships were damaged beyond repair.

    If they can't be open to what you go through then tell them the subject is not theirs to involve themselves in.  They can and will believe what they believe privately.  There is little to do about it, but don't let their ignorance get to you.

    It isn't a contest.  Do as well as you can.  If they can't help how you need help then they can't help you at all.  Ultimately you decide what you allow to upset you.
    · Share on FacebookShare on Twitter
  • onedayatatime
    onedayatatime Community member Posts: 108 Pioneering
    Options
    Is it shallow to want understanding?
    Absolutely not!
    For me personally, I just need a certain couple of people in my life to 'get it'.
    I'm not after pity or sympathy , but just a little understanding that I can't do certain things and with reason. If they 'got it', then perhaps they wouldn't make me feel so inadequate at times!
    I don't know if you can tell, but I get a bit wound up about this 😂
    I've a couple of people who are quite dismissive and downplay my health and frequently tell me about 'that time they had a bad back'. It drives me nuts! The other one is 'ain't you better yet?' Funny enough, I don't seem to be 😂.
    I'm learning to let it just flow over my head, but it's still work in progress. In the meantime I continue to receive their 'advice' of what jobs need doing around my home and all the 'haven't you done that yet' comments and slowly bubble inside.👍
    A little bit of understanding goes a long way. It might actually lead to a bit more helping each other and making everyone's life just that tiny bit more enjoyable.

    · Share on FacebookShare on Twitter

Categories

If we become concerned about you or anyone else while using one of our services, we will act in line with our safeguarding policy and procedures. This may involve sharing this information with relevant authorities to ensure we comply with our policies and legal obligations.

Find out how to let us know if you're concerned about another member's safety.