I'm struggling to understand how they listen when they just don't hear me, months and months of therapy and at the last session I was expecting therapy but it was just a question and answer session to discharge as the therapy limit this time had been reached. She asked if I was suicidal and I replied not today, that translates into no thoughts of suicide or self harm even though every week I have many days of not wanting to wake up and not wanting to be alive, of wondering how to not be here without it affecting anyone else and how I would manage to do that, I have planned so many things and can't find a way. It says no history of self harm but I was hospitalised twice many many years ago after attempts. She asked my triggers, I said people, noise, certain smells and places …… she said crowds and shopping! I had tried to go to the shops accompanied twice in 3 months and on both occasions suffered from panic and dissasociation. Every time we spoke I did try to address my trauma but became too distressed, had flashbacks and panic attacks. She talked me down each time and explained how to ground myself but that translates to when you are ready to deal with your ptsd please reach out but not within 3 months ….. to me that goes through my head as I failed at therapy, it's my fault I am not better. Just another thing to add to the heavy heavy guilt I already feel. You are taking good care of yourself and your husband manages your medication you are eating regularly …. no vulnerability. I have moisture lesions due to lack of care, I eat because my husband makes sure I do. You fill in the questionaire every week and it asks in the last two weeks, I answer by how I am feeling at that moment in time because most of the time has been lost in my mind. I have very limited mobility due to failed surgeries and nerve damage, am currently on two waiting lists for surgeries one minor one major and am in so much pain …… why don't you go for a walk when you feel that way, get out and listen to nature! Crowded places, to me just a few people is a crowd my triggers can be anything from a smell to a sound a place a colour and too many people - I can go out but only when there are not many people and it's wide open space - You didn't run out of there so that's progress - I struggle to walk let alone run! Get a medication review with your gp … I don't want more tablets I want help to turn my mind off for a little while, I want to sleep at nights and stop the nightmares. They listen to respond and not to hear. I just want it to stop and feel as though I am the one who is to blame for this as well as everything else that happened. I'm just another number, a nobody an invisible that doesn't matter. Two years of this living hell, everyday is a challenge and everyday I keep trying yet feel like a failure.
