They listen, they don't hear - trigger warning

Meredithshep

I'm struggling to understand how they listen when they just don't hear me, months and months of therapy and at the last session I was expecting therapy but it was just a question and answer session to discharge as the therapy limit this time had been reached. She asked if I was suicidal and I replied not today, that translates into no thoughts of suicide or self harm even though every week I have many days of not wanting to wake up and not wanting to be alive, of wondering how to not be here without it affecting anyone else and how I would manage to do that, I have planned so many things and can't find a way. It says no history of self harm but I was hospitalised twice many many years ago after attempts. She asked my triggers, I said people, noise, certain smells and places …… she said crowds and shopping! I had tried to go to the shops accompanied twice in 3 months and on both occasions suffered from panic and dissasociation. Every time we spoke I did try to address my trauma but became too distressed, had flashbacks and panic attacks. She talked me down each time and explained how to ground myself but that translates to when you are ready to deal with your ptsd please reach out but not within 3 months ….. to me that goes through my head as I failed at therapy, it's my fault I am not better. Just another thing to add to the heavy heavy guilt I already feel. You are taking good care of yourself and your husband manages your medication you are eating regularly …. no vulnerability. I have moisture lesions due to lack of care, I eat because my husband makes sure I do. You fill in the questionaire every week and it asks in the last two weeks, I answer by how I am feeling at that moment in time because most of the time has been lost in my mind. I have very limited mobility due to failed surgeries and nerve damage, am currently on two waiting lists for surgeries one minor one major and am in so much pain …… why don't you go for a walk when you feel that way, get out and listen to nature! Crowded places, to me just a few people is a crowd my triggers can be anything from a smell to a sound a place a colour and too many people - I can go out but only when there are not many people and it's wide open space - You didn't run out of there so that's progress - I struggle to walk let alone run! Get a medication review with your gp … I don't want more tablets I want help to turn my mind off for a little while, I want to sleep at nights and stop the nightmares. They listen to respond and not to hear. I just want it to stop and feel as though I am the one who is to blame for this as well as everything else that happened. I'm just another number, a nobody an invisible that doesn't matter. Two years of this living hell, everyday is a challenge and everyday I keep trying yet feel like a failure.

Bluebell21

Hi @Meredithshep You are not a failure they are not listening to you. The fact you are trying everyday means you are persevering and that takes great strength.

We are here to help and support you where we can we might not have all the answers but we will always listen.

Please take care of yourself.

WhatThe

Me, three days ago - "Do you understand autism"? She carried on talking. "Do you understand autism"? She carried on talking, turned around and left.

Meredithshep

It's awful, a one size fits all service. I wonder if paying for therapy will be any different, will they be the same following the same script or will they actually listen?

OverlyAnxious

I've had this from family members as well. Somehow it seems like I type one thing at my end and they read something completely different at their end!

Got discharged from many MH services over the years as none of them were ever suitable.

It's only more recently I've realised I genuinely am experiencing life in a different way to most people. That is likely to be because of Autism, though I don't like to say it until I can get an Autism assessment, which I was refused about 5 years ago by the GP, and am now too physically unwell to access. 🙄

I'm not sure there would be any MH help even if I had that diagnosis though. If a lot of my anxiety is a direct result of Autism, then the standard anxiety reduction techniques aren't going to work.

Rachel_Scope

I'm so sorry you're feeling this way @Meredithshep. Reading through it I was nodding along in agreement to everything you were saying. I've had counselling and therapy over the years, some successful, some not. I remember seeing someone about my severe depression and anxiety due to childhood trauma. She said "well you're clean and dressed well so you look ok", I honestly couldn't believe it. I was young and shy so didn't say anything. She then said that I had to have therapy about my childhood first before tackling anything else, even though I said I wasn't ready to talk about it. Needless to say, I didn't get any counselling at that time.

I had DBT a few years ago. It was once a week in a group of women and lasted about a year and it completely changed my life. I was listened to by the 2 therapists, but also by the group, which helped me to better understand my feelings from a professional point of view and from others who could understand. Have you considered a group therapy?

I'm definitely not a fan of the form you mention about your feelings in the last 2 weeks. I know they need some kind of record but it's useless if they don't listen to you and act on what you're saying. It does sound like they have a script and completely disregard your individual needs.

You are not to blame at all, you are not a failure. You're being failed by the mental health service. I can't say if private therapy would be better as I've never tried it but maybe there's a different type of therapy available for you on the NHS? It's always worth asking.

Sorry I've gone on quite a bit there! I just empathise with what you're going through and it makes me so sad that you're not being listened to. The community is here to support you ❤️

Meredithshep

Thanks Rachel, no I haven't tried group therapy and at the moment I'm not sure I would manage it. It was suggested that EMDR would be the way to go but they didn't have anyone available so I had intensive CBT. Apparently I need to go through the reliving phase which I just can't face. I'm grieving and it still feels raw, I'm angry and I'm always afraid.