I'm Not Coping At Home Alone, In Crisis. HB Review Phone Call Coming Up

apollo11

Hello,

This has been tough to type out but I am thankful the internet is anonymous as I find this very hard to admit in person. I think I just need to vent :(

I am in receipt of Income Related Employment & Support Allowance and live on my own, in a one bedroom HA flat.

Just after COVID tenants received letters saying we were getting a new kitchen (great! though scary for someone like me!) but the downside was, they were ripping up floors, plastering walls and adding new cupboards etc to make the kitchen even smaller / the height of some cupboards lower.

This wasn't great timing as I already had a few new-ish appliances - for example, an ordinary sized range cooker (a year or two old that took me ages to save for) but they were putting in a new fan extractor at a lower height. I'd already spent quite a few £ on the kitchen in the previous year or two. My then-fridge freezer was now too tall to fit in the 'gap' they wanted to put in (the kitchens couldn't be tailored to your needs, they were all identikit formats).

I had 'some' savings from an old post office account and I have severe social anxiety and find it very hard to go out, even to organise things makes me very overwhelmed (I do have a partner but he lives far away and we see each other sporadically, webcam is probably keeping our connection alive at this point! I'm close to his mum particularly and reasonably so to his BIL).

Insomnia and very bad depressive episodes mean I find it hard to remember timescales of things happening. Hate to say it but because I'm so isolated and have no-one really 'looking out for me' my partner can be abusive at times but him and his family are all I had on my side really.

Trying to figure out what to do to get some money together (I was being quoted crazy prices like £700+ just to decorate the kitchen! The HA wasn't involved in the painting or the flooring.

BIL offered to help sell some of my appliances and arrange it as I find people coming to mine and conversing with them so stress-inducing. I was so grateful as it was one big hurdle not to worry about and I have avoided having work done here in the past (for example, when I was totally on my own and the HA was putting in a new box in the wall for the aerial on the roof...my head was in chaos and I just couldn't get it together to let them in - all I remember from that period was a pile of my clothes on the living room floor).

I very, very rarely have visitors, my own family don't visit me at all...can't remember the last time they were here!

I'm also a bit of a 'hoarder' (someone who buys years worth of loo roll because I worry so much) and 'collector' so I have possessions that I've overbought (things like watches, jewellery, sci-fi items, makeup), a lot being impulse buys - I am a bit addicted to Amazon - though I buy groceries there too - that have hardly been used that I needed to de-clutter my house with. He offered to sell those for me too and reimbursed my bank account as things sold over a few months as it would help my state of mind and de-clutter my house a bit (I regularly have arguments with my partner about this, and in this case I'd say he's justified. I sometimes buy things in duplicates because I've forgotten I've bought them, to my great shame when I realise).

This only happened for a short period of time, verifying it might be tricky though, as I think he sold on sites where you can't get electronic receipts.

As for the kitchen, I sold my cooker, fridge freezer, combi microwave, tabletop dishwasher, even had to get a washer dryer as there was now no space for a washer and tumble drier.

I also badly need the whole house redecorated / floored as I find it very hard to get myself in the right state of mind to organise and have strange people in my house (my niece - who has just moved here locally - first member of my family to live nearby ever!!) is trying to find someone to install a security doorbell for me to help with my paranoia / fears. As I neglect myself, the same shows in my house - loneliness and years of despair all add up I suppose. I am very ashamed about my poor coping skills and pretend to put a brave face on it to outsiders.

This all happened a few years ago (BIL is the sort of person who knows lots of people) so getting the kitchen cleared was done suprisingly quickly, though my belongings took longer. Some items I ended up throwing away or giving to charity.

I particularly need my bedroom re-done as I have developed a phobia of going in there...this has been going on for years...which sounds crazy but I suffer so badly from insomnia and suicidal ideation my brain somehow now thinks this room is 'dangerous'. Even typing this out looks ridiculous and I know my brain is prone to irrationality. I bought myself a mattress and bedstead to encourage myself to go in there but I'm still struggling and sleep on the couch (I have very bad panic attacks - especially at night - it's hard for me to feel safe in my own body).

I hate confronting this and only recently told my doctor over the phone (in face would just be mortifying), my partner has been urging me to do so (and not in a kind way..he's right..but belitting me for this isn't encouraging). Some may see it as untidiness and laziness but I genuinely struggle to motivate myself and keep myself regulated enough to look after myself at times as it is. My thoughts cycle, I don't sleep or eat when I'm depressed and the intense fear can be too much. I have incredibly deep self-hatred.

My partner came down here around the time of the kitchen refit and was good for a few days. I even gave him money to thank him for helping me as support means so much. But he berated me for not doing enough to keep the house organised / for sleeping on the couch and refused to build the bed (the mattress is still on the floor). In fact he created such a scene (and has done many times - at one point years ago he smashed up my living room) that it wasn't helping my state of mind at all.

The bed is still unbuilt and there's some old clothes in there (varying sizes! I'm now in menopause!) that I haven't sorted (even the thought of sorting out the bedroom provokes irrational fear in me).

Trying to get my house and head in order is something I want to do but I don't know where to start. I wish I had a better support system where I could be helped, without judgement, instead of dealing with anger and moods which just sets me back.

I have stayed at my partner's at times (he is at the other end of the country). He lives in a very quiet, peaceful area which is great for my frazzled nerves and sometimes it's a mental health break but it takes me a while to acclimatise and I just sleep on his couch too (yes, I know, weird).

There have been times he's been his volatile self and I've had to seek solace at his mother's (and not sleeping as it's a new environment) before going home, which is the opposite of helpful and healing. I am always generous and kind to him but it doesn't usually work both ways. In fact my sister observed years ago that he 'uses' me, but that's probably another story.

I have paid twice for 'runaround' second hand cars for my partner (first one had a dodgy MOT - nothing to do with him - and had to be scrapped as it was deemed dangerous after a year!) as he passed his test around this time too. The second car is another 'banger' but as he sometimes drives me places I figured it was a good idea at the time. I would love to be able to drive myself but I think I'd be a liability on the roads as I'm just too twitchy! There was a point after me selling stuff where he kept shouting at me 'it's alright for you, you have money' and he probably did bully me into handing over for this. He did partially repay me for the second one, however.

Quite recently I got a housing benefit review letter from my LA, asking me to do it over the phone (it's been absolutely years since they've done this - it was always a form). They 'know' about one bank account I have, which rarely had much activity to it apart from back then! I actually made more money than I thought I would but it really helped.

Reading around I'm worried that I didn't tell them about the money but didn't think it was necessary?

I have quite a 'new' (a few years old now) bank account the LA 'don't' know about because this was used to pay benefits into when my old post office account closed. I actually had about £2K in there from an underpayment from ESA years ago and kept it for a rainy day. Making withdrawals can be patchy as paying cash bills (I pay cash for council tax and utilities) are all dependent on when I feel 'well'. The DWP would have known about this underpayment as I had one advisor take a photocopy of it years ago.

Still have some money left over from selling my possessions and appliances and wonder if this is what it's about. I find it so hard to reach out to people (it's easier to remain in some sort of 'bubble') that I hate myself for creating this situation as I don't like talking to my doctor, never mind more official people! I'm an expert at being avoidant - I have to shop during certain times when it's not busy and the lights aren't bright (queues and bright lights make me panic).

I asked the LA if I could fill in a form instead but they said it's easier to do it over the phone. Am I in trouble for not declaring the money going into the other account? It's a fear-based thing and I am so unorganised most of the time! I'm just struggling to get through each day.

This is very frightening for me as I catastrophise and my brain has somehow turned this into, I'm getting evicted for not telling them I have savings (as a hoarding person who tries to create safety I have tried to hold onto some of this money to improving my living environment but I just can't get going). I don't smoke, drink or socialise.

I've had such a tough few months - my partner has been particularly bad this year (he is very critical of me and not supportive - his own mother actually tells me he's abusive and hopes I could meet someone else…which...I don't know how that could happen!). I've had a health scare I'm getting tests for currently and will find out next week, more tests coming up before Xmas.

I may have a 'partner' but I feel very alone most of the time. How do I navigate this? I had a bit of a meltdown with my doctor the other week (on the phone) and she said she will assign me to someone. I think she said case worker but I can't remember!

PS - Partner's 'advice' to me is that if the LA ask about my bank accounts to not tell them (I have about £1.7K in one and under £3K in another) but is this phone call trying to catch me out? Will they know already? But even though I can be quite paranoid I don't think this is a good idea!

He also thinks I should have been getting PIP for years (or DLA), but I find the whole ESA process so horrifying I don't think I could cope with the additional pressure….I have had work capability assessments where the assessor has plain lied. I may be on the wrong side of sane but that absolutely shocked and hurt me (the assessor even wiped my tears and seemed so lovely!). I spent days in bed crying when I got the letter contradicting what I said - this happened years ago. It was if she was saying she didn't believe me. From then on I made sure I had my assessments recorded.

apollo11

Thank you for the email I got in response to my post…it was very kind of you to take time out of your day to address each issue so personally. (Won't name names in case it's not allowed).

It really means the world to me and has given me things to think about. The only person who can look after me, is me….it's been a struggle as I get so lonely. At the moment it feels like lots of bad things are happening at once.

My GP left me additiional medication to help calm me down (I do get prescribed propanolol and mirtazipine but they're not helping at the moment - I haven't had a good sleep for a while). Maybe tomorrow will feel like a better day.

I've mentioned my issues to a few family members but maybe everyone's wrapped up in their own lives? I'm not a pushy person. Sometimes it's easier to pretend everything's okay…

Rosie_Scope

Hi @apollo11, I'm really glad you found the email helpful. It sounds like you've been through a lot recently, and I'm sure lots of our members understand how difficult it can be to make a first step forward. We'll always be here if you need to rant or talk about things.

It's good to hear your GP is supporting you with some medication, I hope the additional medication makes a difference and you can get some rest too. And I'm glad to hear they're assigning you with a worker. If you feel up to it, perhaps you could ask them again what kind of support they're helping with?

It's often best to be honest about your money with the LA if they ask. Hiding money can get you into difficulties later on, but if you're honest about what you've got then it keeps it all above board and you can get the help you need.

It can be so hard to reach out to family sometimes when everyone's all wrapped up in their own lives, I can definitely empathise with that. I hope the community can be a place where you can talk about whatever's on your mind. There's almost always someone here to listen and offer some friendly support if you need it 😊

If we can support you with anything else mentioned in the email, please do feel free to reply, we'd be happy to help in any way we can. I hope things start feeling easier for you soon 💜