I have to go offline to heal for awhile 💚

Hi everyone,

I’m struggling really badly both mentally and physically at this present time. My sleep pattern is shocking to say the least at the moment, erratic to say the least. Even taking my evening meds are not knocking me out either.

I would say that like an Ostrich, I’ve buried my head in the sand since before Christmas. I just ignore all the warning signs and triggers like an old buffoon. Having no proper support from professionals since the end of October onwards has just floored me and just left me exhausted. I would say the straw that broke the camels back, is me deciding to apply for divorce and exposed me to trauma I thought I had filed away.

I am sick and tired of being on multiple waiting lists! On the waiting lists for counselling, on the waiting list for a social prescriber, on the waiting list for the Psychology Team, I’ve asked my GP to refer me to adult social cares mental health team only to be told that a CPN has to do it, yet again another call to the inept mental health team! Been begging for almost five years for a CPN, only to be told I don’t need one. I’ve been told that an assessment will be done at some point, received a letter stating that four to six weeks for an initial conversation - which will more than likely mean them sending an OT out, probably only to be told like end of last year to just concentrate on my counselling, which angers me.

I’m sick of not being listened to, they say group activities and I tell them the same thing…. “Not a chance, I’ve never been good in a group setting, I don’t feel comfortable and I have copies of letters from social services reports that I don’t do well in groups”

I get told about sending OT’s out, yet again…. “No I am not going through all that again, an OT in Chesterfield was doing 50% her job and 50% of the Psychologists work”

I’m just sick and tired of being let down by a failed system, I’ve personally chosen to just sever ties with friends because so was sick of being the one who was the only one to make the effort. I’ve just become a closed book, shut myself away from the world, neglected personal care although I have washes and strip washes (I’m scared of falling in the shower) I’m always house proud but even that’s started to slip with me just doing the bare minimum each week which is so embarrassing.

As for my body, I just feel so self conscious, hate the way I look, have 0 confidence and quite frankly don’t have a care about myself in the world and most at times I’ve just wasted money on takeaways knowing what I’m eating will just cause my stomach to flare up.

I’ve booked to go away next year, but I question my many reasons for doing so and how will it impact my mental health.

I have lived on the dark side of life since 2020, self harmed by scratching on many occasions, even attempted suicide which I’m ashamed of. I’ve got a phone call with a funeral directors over the next week to start paying for a non attendance cremation service at some point in the future, I need to fathom out how to get a lasting power of attorney sorted for myself in case I lose mental capacity and also finish a living will as well.

Just taking the top off the box marked for divorce in my head has just opened up old feelings of guilt, feeling ashamed at not being able to control my emotions or behaviour thanks to my health conditions, feelings of distrust, feeling like I’ve let down so many people and let probably the best thing to ever happen to my life be affected by my past and also my present to.

I honestly don’t know where to turn things around, how to go forwards instead of keep going backwards, I’ve got appointments for my mental health, eating problems and also a rare dentist appointment. In all honesty I’m just fed of being alive at times and feel disappointed when I wake up. Just going to shut down both mentally and physically for awhile to try to reset myself.