*tw* sa and abuse - Do I go it alone? Can I? Should I?!

I don’t know where else to post, sorry 😞

I am no contact with my mom due to a childhood of physical emotional and medical abuse, and therefore have no contact with that side of the family. I am the result of an affair, so have no contact with my dad, however my half siblings on his side have found me and reached out to tell me what a dirtbag he is but we’ve never met. 

I am disabled since the mid of 2024, I have a cervical spinal stenosis, spondylosis, OA in both knees and ankles which affects how I walk and move. I can’t use my hands well, and need a mobility scooter to get places. I can just about hobble about the house holding on to stuff. I’m waiting for surgery. I’ve only fell down the stairs once which resulted in a lot of bruises but luckily no medical attention, bruises were beastly though.

I have two kids with my partner who lives with me and is my carer for all intents and purposes. Our children are under 12 and both have additional needs which need a lot of support. His way of dealing with our eldest when being awkward is to shout and call her a r*ta*d which makes her understandably upset, I try to diffuse situations and then I get shouted out and called one too. 

He smokes a lot of can**bis; how much he spends I don’t know. He gets the money for us both as I’ve not been in the right place mentally to sort things. Our eldest says that where he keeps it stinks and it makes her feel dizzy, and that he spends more time going to get it and smoking it than he does with them. He then spends the rest of the day on the PC playing games. He will occasionally take the bin out, put stuff in the dishwasher, hoover, grab my prescriptions but I do the rest. I genuinely feel exhausted 24/7. 

You might think why on earth is he still here. 

We did break up a few years ago for several months. In that time I was set up by a friend with another guy, who r*ped me and sa’d me, stalked and harassed me and as a result I have PTSD and I’ve been forced to move home. He has been charged with 4 charges and it is going to trial, but I can’t go out anymore I don’t feel safe. I don’t trust anyone, I can’t go in shops, I can’t go along the street alone, I’m just terrified. He’s on bail so I know he’s there somewhere. 

My partner when he found out said he would stay with me on the sofa to make me feel safe initially, which I appreciated hugely. We then gradually got closer again, and slowly got back together. He said he realised how much he messed up etc and he changed initially but now it’s all back to how it was. Only difference is now I am disabled and I haven’t lived alone while disabled before, I don’t even know if I can. We don’t even seem like we’re together now, he spends his day on the PC and smoking and I am in bed in pain.

Our kids don’t actually seem to care anymore about him, which is really horrible to say. They shoo him away. Our eldest is telling me to chuck him out and our youngest is attached to me 24/7 anyway as has an attachment to me and struggles to leave me. She never wants him to take her to bed, to wash her, to take her to school, it always has to be me else she will kick off and refuse to do the task. 

I am just looking for some friendly advice please because I genuinely don’t know what to do 😞 I’m on auto-mom mode and I’m just doing everything until I crash at night so I’m not thinking of things logically, I know that. I just feel torn.