Conflicted with PIP award - how to move forward?

I’ve had PIP for about 9 months now. I feel it’s taken a lot of pressure off me financially. But I have this strange feeling of guilt, like I shouldn’t have this extra income.

I struggle a lot with talking and general speech, and can’t really hold conversations or socialise with strangers - and get panic attacks surrounding meetings or appointments. In past ESA assessments (15-20yrs or so ago) my mother would do the talking for me as I would get stressed out with it, and once had CAB attend for me, and they recommended I could stay home.

I recall overhearing a conversation during one ESA assessment where the assessor asked my mother if I was on PIP, and they recommended I should apply. I remember this making me feel awful at the time. I always felt I should push myself, and felt this was something silly I needed to snap out of.

I always felt a bit like **** for claiming ESA and frustrated that daily things people take for granted are such a struggle for me. It wasn’t until losing access to NHS dentist in recent years that this finally prompted me to reconsider PIP again, just so I could afford dental treatment. I did win my PIP claim last year, and had the advice from Poppy on here who was a great help for me at such a stressful time.

I still feel kind of in a state of limbo with it all though, and have found it a stressful time recently with the UC migration. But all that has gone surprisingly smoothly with no contact. I was relieved and surprised that my PIP claim went through as paper-based with no contact needed. While that was a massive relief, as I was immensely stressed anticipating phone calls or an appointment letter.

In the end I was awarded PIP with no contact, while a relief, it made me feel strange. Like if they have given me this and they didn’t even want to see me, does this mean I am actually worse than I thought?

I didn’t bother applying for nearly 20 years and just stuck with ESA-only, purely because the ESA assessments and reviews themselves would make me so ill, I always looked past the PIP income, and focused on the assessment itself just being double the nightmare. One extra assessment, one extra review to endure. Which basically means double the stress of ESA. In hindsight I do feel like an idiot now for avoiding it for so long.

I think they should do the ESA and PIP assessments combined so people who struggle with them only have the one single assessment to try and cope with.

While life feels more comfortable for me recently. I would love to be able to start driving lessons, and feel like I am doing something. But how am I supposed to approach driving lessons if I find it a struggle to talk? The thought of getting in a car with an instructor for the first time is just incredibly daunting.

Regarding my PIP claim my doctor did make me aware that PIP had contacted him at the time and he told me he sent them a letter. I had a GP appointment since and made him aware I won my claim and I thanked him for the letter which I assume must have helped. However, when I asked him for a copy of his letter he became evasive and didn’t seem to want me to have this. His reaction was that the letter served its purpose, I got my PIP award, and he felt I didn’t need to see his letter. I mainly wanted it for my own records though, as my award was only for 2 years, and if they contact me for review I felt I would need my GP’s letter so I know how to argue my case when the time comes. I have no idea what he’s even written in it. I can guess, and understand it may not be easy to read for me.

Not sure why I posted this, I just felt I am rather conflicted with life at the moment. I appreciate I have a lot of pressure lifted from my shoulders now, especially now the UC migration is also recently behind me. I still feel I need to do something to feel like I am making some sort of progress though, I don’t want to be stuck in a state of limbo for another 20 years as time just flies by.