Advice re Ex Partner

PolarBear95 · May 31

hey,

my ex is very ignorant to my disability (herniated discs, DDD, fibromyalgia and chronic pain syndrome). We have an 8 year old who lives with me over 80% of the time. With her 2.5 weekends one month and 1.5 the next (alternating). This weekend our son is due back with me this evening. But I’ve been in a bad flare up for over a week now so I’ve asked her to keep our son so I can try and recover (in general and ready for the school runs again next week).

Purely due to personal plans, she’s refusing. She wants to send him to mine with food to heat up in the microwave himself unsupervised, and thinks that’s the problem resolved and that he will be happy and entertained whilst I can barely move. She’s done this before and we usually meet half way between houses on crossovers, but she then turns up at my house and gets my son to stand there continuously ringing the (very loud!) doorbell. She’s also threatened to take him to my parents in those circumstances, which of course doesn’t involve them at all. At the point he’s on the doorstep, I have no choice but to go into damage limitation mode for him and to put on a very brave face and let him in as if nothing is going on. She then drives away and continues onto her merry plans (like going away, or going for a new tattoo just to name a few).

She told me yesterday she refused to have him any longer. Today my back is equally as bad so I’ve text again and explained and said I understand it’s frustrating for her but we have to put our son first and he’s better with her whilst I’m like this. Both for his own good and so I can rest and get better as quickly as possible. She’s not responded to my messages once this morning. I called this afternoon and after 30 seconds of telling me it’s not her problem she put the phone down and then is ignoring me again.

I need advice please - am I being unreasonable to expect her to keep him for a little while longer? (No more than 24 hours).

is she breaking any laws by turning up at my house when I’ve asked her not to?

thanks in advance x

theme79 · May 31

I am sorry to hear your story and it’s sad that as often is the case joint parenting with, or without, a disability can become fraught.

As a disabled father myself - though the conflicts were small, I do think we can often get the bad end of the deal - I was also lucky in having been able to get help - but the real issue here is that you both should seek mediation or couple counselling that takes into account you and your identity as the father and the main care parent.

the danger is your child becomes the problem when the parenting communication and responsibility is not clear or flexible enough to meet the situation - which includes your varying and fluctuating impairments.

WhatThe · May 31

Hello PolarBear and welcome to Scope 😊

As theme has expressed, the most important person here is your son. All an 8 year old needs is to feel safe and wanted - wherever that might be - and not caught in cross-fire.

Your ex looked after him during half-term ( I guess) and has plans for her weekend which don't include him. If you are very unwell then this in an emergency so going to his grandparents is one solution. As your son gets older, he will have sleepovers at friends' houses and lose interest in you both when he's a teenager!

If he stays with you 80% of the time and you receive Child Benefit for him, you are the main carer. If you can't agree between you then a court order is the next step. If his mother has broken a court order then the court is where to take this rather than the pavement or doorstep.

yves · May 31

I'm Sorry to hear this, it can't be easy for you. I have to say, saying it's not her problem is not acceptable, it's her son, so it is her problem. As Theme79 has said, I would seek mediation to try and put something in place for when you have flares. It's in the intrest of your son to make sure his needs are met by both parents, not just you. It's shouldn't be a lot to ask for an additional 24 hours care whilst you are going through such pain, especially considering your son is with you 80% of the time. I really hope you can get this sorted, the stress can not be good for you.

shirleys1961 · May 31

Your story is heartbreaking, as a mother with very similar health conditions K understand your pain. When my children were small and my husband was working full time it was hard. I was fortunate to have a close family and my parents helped out. I hope you get the help you require as it sounds to me the mother only cares about herself instead of her son. Try reaching out to your parents as you might find they can be a massive support to you and your son.

bookrabbit · May 31

You aren't being unreasonable to ask her to have him for longer but she doesn't have to agree. Clearly he is with you most of the time for a reason and perhaps her lack of cooperation indicates why.

The thing is children come before pare

Ostia · May 31

Please put the child first, whatever you do, and don't talk about it if they can hear!!

Is there noone who can look after them for a few days if neither of you are up to it??

Ranald · June 1

Mediation only works if both parties are willing to attend. You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make it drink ( I speak from bitter experience).

WhatThe · June 1

PolarBear, I hope you managed to resolve this last night.

I hope I didn't sound uncaring. What I was trying to say is that unless your son has high support needs, he doesn't need constant attention or entertainment from you. If yours is his main home then just being home is enough even when you are unwell.

My daughter grew up with a sick parent (me). We can't hide it from them for ever. As an only child she had no choice but to amuse herself while I was in bed and I knew when to ask her dad to take over. I also grew up with a sick parent. That's just life!

Advice re Ex Partner

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