I'm so so fed up

mark82 · October 20

Every day feels like a massive struggle. I have pain every day from trigeminal neuralgia. Suicidal thoughts for years now. I cant remember not being in pain and not having these intrusive thoughts. I'm tired, angry, sad. Sacked from my job of 20 years at lloyds bank in May. Got 3 months pay and that was it. Not receiving pip,have appealed it. Getting £90 a week from esa, can pay my bills this month and then no idea. Applied for evrty job everywhere.

My cousin managed to get me a job in the factory he works at but hot sacked after 2 days as I needed to take a break because I was in pain and they said I hadn't fully informed them of my condition.

I can't see how my situation is going to change, I almost feel like I have left it too late to take action. If something had happened while I was working my wife would have received a death in service payment and my pension and she'd be ok financially. As it is I'm a drain, I am not contributing anything.

I'm so bored of forms and telling people my problems, nothing at the minute seems worthwhile or is going to be beneficial.

I can't even afford to get blind drunk which would be fantastic right now.

I'm scared of attempting anything, I dont want to put myself through more pain, I dont want my family to have to find me and deal with the aftermath of ant attempt.

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I've done therapy, counselling, CBT, accupuncture, medications, surgery for my trigeminal neuralgia. I just don't know what is still available to me, I've no idea what my next steps are. I'm in constant touch with my gp, I've seen a psychiatrist, I have a consultant to deal with my pain. But there is no fix, I have accepted I'm going to have pain for the rest of my life but that doesn't make it any less painful or easier to cope with. I know my mental health is not in good shape, I know these thoughts aren't normal.

Everything feels hopeless. I feel so lost, I've no idea what I have to offer in any way or form to anyone. I don't even think I've hit rock bottom.

Community_Scope · October 21

Welcome to the community @mark82

Thank you for being so open and telling us about your situation, it sounds like you are under a huge amount of stress, we're going to send you an email in a bit so please keep an eye out for it

StarryEyed · October 21

Welcome @mark82

I hear you. A lot of people have been at their wit's end, including me. But there is always more possibility in the darkness. But because it's dark we can't see it yet. The trick I've learned is to believe there is something there but to know that I can't see it only because I haven't experienced it yet; my lack of experience is blinding me. I liken it to the sun on a cloudy day, in that even though you can't see the sun because the clouds are covering it, you know it is there. Just like the lights of the city drown out the sparkling stars, you know the stars are there. So hang in there and believe something is there in the darkness for you.

When you stop believing in yourself, you might have to believe in others. Sometimes this is what we need. Even just believing that other people hear you can be the hardest thing to believe. I hear you. Others hear you.

A song for you....

https://youtu.be/5rOiW_xY-kc?si=9bOqVLNmZRbtiR89

Bluebell21 · October 21

Hi @mark82 welcome to the Community from me too. I am sorry you are having such a challenging time at the moment.

Perhaps with your experience of ill health and applying for lots of jobs you could help another member who is in the same situation as yourself.

Have a look around and join in when you are ready. This could help build your confidence up and enable you to feel part of the forum.

Please take care of yourself.

Chris75_ · October 21

Invest your time in supporting a local football team. It certainly worked for me. You might feel nothing at first, but it will hopefully grow on you.

I'm so so fed up

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