Hi, my name is acegi! Father of adult son with PDA

acegi · October 23

I am father of adult son diagnosed PDA

at age 11

Still significant problems, financially and emotionally

acegi · October 23

Anyone out there in similar situation

Rachel_Scope · October 23

Hi @acegi and welcome to the community. I just wanted to check what PDA stands for as there are a couple of things it could be.

I'm sorry you're having such significant problems. Do you have anyone to support you or your son?

Hopefully one of our members will be able to relate to your situation.

anisty · October 23

Pathological Demand Avoidance? That's the only thing it means to me anyway.

I'm afraid my experience of this is limited - though I think it very likely my (estranged) brother would be diagnosed with this had he been born in more recent times.

His life hasn't gone well. But, unlike your son, he had no parental support from 18 when he was kicked out of the house at 18 by our Dad. Our Mum had just died at that time too so I think, even without his issues, life would have been a struggle.

acegi · October 23

Hi. Thank you

The diagnosis was Pathological Demand Avoidance in 2011 son aged 11

by well known and respected NHS Consultant Child and Adolescant Psychiatrist after

significant difficulties

I think this was before the PDA Society existed and since then much more is known about the condition

Over the the years certain aspects of PDA seem to have remained prevalent in my son

particular his controlling behaviour towards people he knows well, like me, or I suspect in romantic relationships

However, he is very much in denial about the diagnosis

and sees his problems deriving

mostly from the behaviour of his parents, even though we have tried very hard to help him, including financially

I wonder whether I , being by nature more reactive and less decisive but maybe over generous, have ended up in a codependent relationship where he desires to be in control and criticises me for being weak and not fulfilling promises

SaraC_Scope · October 24

Hi @acegi

Thank you for sharing your experience with your son. I can relate to this situation. We adopted our son at the age of three and noticed patterns of challenging behaviour as he settled in with us. We assumed it was a transitional period, but with limited support we had to navigate the anger and control as best we could.

Reward charts didn't work and telling him to do things, like homework or attend activities was pointless.

Eventually we our social worker discussed PDA and attachment disorder with us. I attended a course and discovered the PACE approach, which was a lightbulb moment. I could see our son's struggles in so many areas. We implemented this technique and although we hit some stumbling blocks along the way, like reverting to old ways, it did help us in a small way. It wasn't perfect by any means, but our relationship was calmer.

I've included some information here about the approach. I'm happy to answer any questions you might have.

Example of the PACE Model by Dan Hughes.

Holly_Scope · October 24

Hi @acegi just wanted to pop and say welcome 😊

acegi · October 25

Thank you both

Sarah - of course the PACE model

must be often be invaluable, whether or not the cause is poor attachment or more neurological when attachment has been very strong in the first ten years. So in spite of strong attachment, some sort of environmental trigger, eg moving home and school, or hormonal changes, could precipitate unusually disturbed behaviour, because of an underlying autism or some atypical neurology. The parents can be confused and overwhelmed at times, not understanding the situation and causes. Especially at this time in 2009/10 when there was less awareness of these conditions

Hi, my name is acegi! Father of adult son with PDA

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