I’m not good with relationships

hey guys I haven’t been sleeping well as I keep thinking about this one parasocial relationship I had with someone last year in November. Nothing horrible happened but I believe I was just a bit obsessed because I haven’t had friends an it felt like I had a friendship you know..

stupidly I told this person I had feelings.. and that’s where things went bad. I tried to apologize multiple times because I am a very apologetic person, an at the time I was very scared/anxious of the switch up as I didn’t know how to handle relationships well. They did block me but I ended up trying to apologize again. In too which there friend blamed me for harassment(online) because I apologized too much. I haven’t contacted since but it’s been replying in my mind ever since and I am scared of talking to anyone about it because I don’t want people to judge me. My anxiety has ben really bad lately.

I don’t use social media anymore as I noticed that it isn’t for me. I keep the occasional sites like discord/youtube/twitch etc.

I really hate myself and everyday I have no motivation. Lately I’ve started to sleep a lot more because I want to get rid of the pain, I spoke to my brother about this an he said to just move on and that I tried my best. But it’s really hard.. just been thinking about life and how much I’ve messed up. I know we are not perfect but I am trying. I wanted to speak here as I know people are understanding and hopefully not judge me.. I even apologized for being parasocial towards them. But I still hate myself to this day and haven’t been looking after myself well. And I don’t know what to do to get this pain out of me.