Just an outlet post, FOMO, grief,pip and albus

Got my pip review through beginning of the month, still need to complete it and need to call them to ask for an extension (god I hate you have to call).

Executive dysfunction is kicking my but not doing it but every now and then I think about it and get really sad, as although I knew it was due next year (almost exactly 12 month early review- gits) I knew I had at least one person I really wanted to spend some time with and chat and go through it as we never seemed to end up with the same social schedule and were introvert unless we were helping others and that was albus.

I'd been meaning to go to his new house for the 3+ years since he'd moved, our North days are a week apart so we always miss each other (2 weekends is far too much lol, we normally left our own birthdays early).

He was someone I truly trusted and loved, but like most of the people I care about I'm bad at maintaining close friendships, like a video that hurt to watch recently resonated said- I've got best friends, but it hurts to know I'm not theirs.

When I go to fill in the form now I get sad he's not here to help, a little angry the git died and I got the paperwork after coming home from his funeral.

Despite the regret, the weird feeling i didnt know him enough to feel this sad when i learm new things about him and how others knew him, and wanting to make my friendships with others closer I can't get past feeling that I just have many aquaintences that I don't truly know or know me, or how to get to that point.

I regret leaving the impromptu get together when we found out he'd passed before most people even got there, I wanted to be a part of it and missed seeing many people in knew but was over peopled before I'd even arrived.

I get angry that I can't just do "the social stuff" like others do.

Filling out the pip I still get massive imposter syndrome as my body is mostly physically capable of technically doing all the things and feel like I'm just wasted potential- I've worked several jobs and, not being big headed, did great at all of them. Whatever work I do I just want to do it etc the best of my ability, efficiently, and productively.

Albus was even keeping an eye out for jobs here as I'd shown interest (qualified teacher but wanted to work in more SEN and counselling and i help others with paperwork and accesing help) I ended up applying for a few disability worker jobs after recovering from burnout and do some part time atm because his supportive belief helped overcome my aversion to applying for something new, but him passing was not how I'd wanted a possible job opening and now I've stopped looking the last month or however long it's been (time blind when not on a schedule) because I've felt guilty wanting to work here/ do the things he did.

Luckily I'm self aware that I'm feeling low, know I have a partner that I can trust and rely on and at least some support circle, but I often work through most thoughts etc myself, just felt like a vent for a change, I know reading his sisters messages has helped me by being aware of others grief allowing me to process my feelings so hope random rant may help others feel they're not alone in not knowing how they feel etc.

Apologies for the poor grammar etc, I'm normally more elequant and proofread for others but this occasion was just an AuDHD word vomit.

If I don't respomd to a reply blame object permanance, if I don't see a notification this is out of mind for a while haha.