How to be politely antisocial in public

StarryEyed · November 27

I've had mental disabilities since my teens, a few decades now. Unless I'm totally out of it, these are invisible disabilities. When I'm out and about and not well, I've learned a lot of tricks in how to be politely antisocial in public. I'm case you're interested, I'll share a few tips:

WEAR SUNGLASSES: For some reason people are intimidated when they can't see your eyes. So sunglasses are pretty much a conversation stopper.
WEAR VISIBLE EARBUDS OR HEADSET: You don't even have to have the volume on if you don't want to. People just assume you're listening to something so typically won't bother you. And if they do, say, "just a sec", and fumble with your phone, remove your earbuds/headset, then give a quick answer and replace your earbuds/headset. That typically gets rid of them.
HAVE A PRETEND CONVERSATION ON YOUR PHONE: Pretend to be talking to someone. Or pretend you need to call someone urgently if someone starts talking to you, then dial or fake dial someone.
PRETEND TO BE A FOREIGNER: Just say "no speak English" or Spanish or whatever the local language. Beware people might try to prompt you with lots of languages, but just keep repeating that you don't speak the language. Do not say what language you speak under any circumstances, or your cover will be blown. Think FBI secret agent.
HAVE A BOOK: Pretend to be reading a book. People will rarely disrupt you while reading.
READ ON YOUR PHONE: Again, if you're reading in your phone - news, texts, a book, whatever - people are reluctant to bother you. And if they do, just answer quickly and return your gaze to your phone.
THE LOUD SIGH: If all else fails, there is always the Loud Sigh to fall back on. It is always with you, always available 24/7. Remember the person doesn't know you, so letting out a loud sigh can mean anything. So it will give them pause for thought, including that you might be bothered by them. But they don't know you, so they're unlikely to ask you if they're bothering you, as then they might well be accusing you of being rude. And if they are bold enough to ask you, just smile and look away, politely of course. 😊

rubin16 · November 27

My option is to ignore anyone who tries to speak to me, Like I can talk fine through text. but if you speak to me in person, I will either nod or shake to give an answer or you'll get 1 or 2 quiet words of me. I basically don't talk very much in rl, unless i'm comfortable with you but even then you have to be careful what you say or how you say it, as I have a problem processing information and can basically understand the opposite of what you meant.

Reading text I find easier as I read it a few times so I can process what people type, but even then I can sometimes get it wrong.

I also had major delayed speech as a kid and didn't talk till I was 6, I had alot of speech therapy when I was young.

Nightcity · November 27

I don't go out often anymore, but when I do I always have my noise cancelling headphones.

I'm classed as autistic mute, There's only been 11 people in 40 years who I can hold a normal conversation with unfortunately 7 of those have passed away.

everyone else especially strangers get absolutely nothing at all, perhaps like with Rubin a nod, A hmm or s thumbs up or scowl, in extremely rare circumstances if they are unfriendly and I panic I swear loudly into the room and storm off, tut or growl

I also can't speak by phone this is literally anyone and everyone except my mum and late nan.

I don't open the door, I won't speak of I do just point, usher away or smile according to whom it is.

Text is my only comfortable communication

communication is so rare and inappropriate even the DWP assessor said once what the h*ll is someone like him doing here he needs exempting

the tips you gave examples of i have used many of in the past to avoid anyone even bothering to approach.

66Mustang · November 28

These are good tips 😊

I used to be especially anxious about saying "no" to people whose job was to tout for business, especially charity workers (as it feels crueller to turn them down). However one thing I've learnt is they actually tend to be less offended if you just cut them off at the very beginning as they they know not to invest time into you so the time-saving is mutual.

One tip I'd add is I tend to smile, shake my head, and put my hand up almost like a "stop". I think that'd be rude if someone just wanted a chat but it's fine with a professional–potential client scenario; when I grew up going to markets and things it was normal behaviour, especially in some countries.

The "pretend phone call" is a great one for all kinds of situation, too. My mum used to go to Africa quite often with my grandmother. "Looky-looky men" as they're called are known to be quite forceful there and two lone women are often more of a target so my mum used the phone call trick often. Another mutual "get-out" plan they both had was if they split up and one saw the other speaking with a touter they'd phone them; if they were interested they could ignore the call but if they were trying to get away it was useful tactic😊

Chris75_ · November 28

Who cares? Just ignore anyone if you don't feel inclined to chat. I have no mental health problems, but frequently ignore people if I can't be bothered.

Catherine21 · November 28

Oh love all these on the rare occasion I have to go out i wear sunglasses wind hail snow sun always have sunglasses on amd if someone asks why im wearing sunglasses i feel exposed or if someone said take them off i couldn't i just couldn't i feel like they hide me

Zippy1983 · November 28

I hate being out and about in public places, I always wear my AirPods with music on to block out exterior noise and distractions. If somebody is trying to get my attention I just keep my focus locked ahead, even though I can see them in my peripheral vision and just keep walking or should I say shuffling.

I always take a book wherever I go, I’ll sit on the bus reading it, in cafes and while waiting for a medical appointment.

I have become quite introverted and isolate myself a lot. However the l have been pushing myself to do more to rebuild my life and slowly try and put the bricks back together.

StarryEyed · November 28

It's really interesting to hear how you guys are doing the same things. Goes to show there's no such thing as the original thought! And we do it for different reasons I see. My main reasons are depression and anxiety. I really like that I have these ways of being out in public when I'm not well, otherwise I would be spending way too much time at home.

Since moving to Spain 11 years ago, my mental health is overall better, but I am more challenged when going out because I am in an unfamiliar environment and I don't know the language well, so it's really stressful. And now the last couple of years having a physical disability has made it even more stressful being out because I'm having to learn how to move with mobility devices. It's all sooooo overwhelming! So more and more I've been spending way too much time at home, especially the last couple of years. So I'm now trying to get out more, and I use these polite skills a lot. I don't want to end up being a shut-in, which is what I see on the horizon if I don't shape up. If it ends up that being a shut-in is my only option, fine, I will accept that. But while it's not the only option, I'll aim to get out more.

I'm pleased to hear that you guys get what I'm saying. That's so awesome and so validating. I'll bear that in mind next time I go out - that there are likely others around me struggling to be polite. Thank you.

Holly_Scope · November 29

I'm a headphoner @StarryEyed. Don't leave the house these days without them unless seeing friends. Helps me feel more secure when anxious 😊

StarryEyed · November 30

@Holly_Scope me too - more secure and less anxious - because it wards off people, and because I typically listen to my fave playlists to set my mind right, and because I can block out external sounds when safe to do so through noise cancelling, like others here say. I don't always need them because sometimes I'm fine and happy to be talking to perfect strangers. But I always have them on me.

The problem the last couple of years when I started with mobility devices is I don't feel safe using my earbuds because I have to pay attention to my surroundings (including people) for safety reasons. So I only used them rarely and only when it was safe to disconnect and when parked (like in a restaurant). So that added to the stress of being out. But a few months ago I had this eureka moment from I don't know where (!) of trying just one earbud at a low volume. And it works. It really works! And this has rocked my world and changed the landscape beautifully. 😊

How to be politely antisocial in public

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