Family trouble

I guess this belongs in this category as it pertains to my mental health problems but it's also a wider family problem.

I got into a discussion with my kids online (half of them live elsewhere, half at home) and they complained that I was off my meds. This is because one of the kids at home saw me measuring out my prozac the other night as I'm using the '10% of last dose' method to reduce my dosage.

I came off prozac a few years ago following the gp's instructions. I was off within a couple of months and then followed two years of horrendous mental health problems - sheer panic, anxiety, a return of my worst ocd symptoms and now I know looking back that I was also going through menopause. I was a wreck for those two years and I never want to go through that again or put my family through something like that, hence the very slow taper now.

I asked my 29 year old last night to please not discuss my medication with their siblings as it's private. They said they didn't want me ending up like I was before (which I can fully understand) and then went mad at me telling me how I used them as my private therapist throughout that time, constantly seeking reassurance for my ocd and intrusive thoughts and that I shouldn't have done that to my child. I know all that and I have apologised for what happened but they are adamant I never sought help elsehwere when I tried. Six years later I still haven't received any cbt or help for my ocd and I paid for private counselling to try to help (it didn't).

They told me I screwed up their life and that of their siblings with my mental health problems.

All I want is some privacy where my private matters are concerned. Living with three adult children means I get very little privacy as it is.

I said I didn't want to spend the rest of my life on antidepressants because of the side effects hence the slow taper and they said I had to stay on the meds because it's like a diabetic needing insulin. I'm not anti medication in any way shape or form but I don't want to take meds for the rest of my life, especially when no-one knows the long term effects of antidepressants. I've already lost half my teeth because of them.

Today I feel like the lowest of the low. I feel like I've screwed my kids up, I'm a terrible parent (which they also told me last night because they were a recluse throughout their teenage years and twenties, something I didn't know how to deal with) and I don't know how I'm supposed to move on from this.

I've spent the last 13 years trying to raise my kids while looking after a disabled husband after he nearly died. I tried my best but obviously I failed. My own physical health isn't good these days either. I just don't know where I go from here with my kids when they think I was such a screw up.