No Progress:Late 20s Adult; Female; Outcast; Not Developed; Insulting Quality Of Life;Failing

 Hi Sue sorry for late reply.
I am having a terrible day,can barely move, I couldn't make it to training today, I'm in agony.

I want to live free from this bullying to start with. It's debilitating.
And they're not the ones suffering & to this day even after all my formal complaints I am still a victim getting mocked.

Honestly feeling so low today and no energy.
 Even in training last 3 days,I was spoken down to so much and stereotyped and had wrong assumptions made about me and and the stress caused me to embarass myself like spilling tea all over my work snd not being able to

Its all impacting me a lot

There is no civility towards me whatsoever.Bar a few decent-ish people in work space not one person in promiximity or where I go to eithet train or work has ever b


You might be thinking well if eve but no I can honestly say I am not giving anyone any reasons for such hostility towards me.

Why me?

I have probably missed virtual coffee morning now but it doesnt matter.

My stomach is killing me, and associated symptoms, nothing is helping me, and I am feeling extremely unable to cope.

I honestly cannot describe how uncomfortable I am.

Again I am sorry for an unfocused, unproductive, unhelpful rant but it is extremely difficult to live this bad a way and I need to at least feel like I am not alone even if that is virtually.

And I justwant to justify that I have not brought ANY of this upon myself. From the isolation to the anti social behaviour to the being odd one out to having no friends to having no general knowledge like in the training I couldn't answer to nor join people's conversation pain to the poverty to the depression. I promise I am trying my utmost but like today, I am not coping, severely struggling to move,never mind fo out.
Yestrtday I was asked for emergency details in front of training class of 20 and he persistently going out down parents or siblings or friends! As he went on with the list I didnt even asnae I just shook my hesd and he still didnt get the hint.

Ans rhen this girl joked if you get hit by a bus on the way we need someone to call just.
My dad is dead, my mum is an illiterate disabled widow and ai dont live with her..
Why shouls I have to be triggered each day.
People should think before they speak but they don't
Usually I ama  light kind of person I xan joke and take jokes vut there are times and places for such banter, not to strangers.


And when I was writing (whixh like tyoing I find difficult and am slow at) he said to rest of class 'I don't wanna shout at her ofherwise she might cry' Even as a a joke or banter I find because it then gives others chance and they all also started apeaking to ne in that way.

I am not as apparently weak or soft or passive as i look and I am feeling physicallu sick at being bellued wherever I go
I tried to speak to him quietly but he just shrugged it offi 

Honestly i am aching just typing but I have no one to trust in proximity so thank you very much all for being here 

I have so many nwanted tjoughts and symptoma. I am very unhappy. I am clueless as to how to help nyself. I am still gwtting bullied as an almost 27 yr old adult. I have skin disease all iver. I have oains all over.

I am sat up lsiteming to periood pain relief musix ,, not working obcviously, and I am unproductibe just honestly no quality fo lfie and again sorry for comolaining whilst oghers may be are worse off but as an indicidual I am mentally and ohysixally struggling in such complex ways and I simply have not been supported medically or soxially.

I am so angry to still be getting bullied howevee subtly or obviously especially when in so much pain. 

I know the old aaying gratitude is riches, co
But the older I ak getting teh wors e life is getting and the less included or assoixayed i am feeling with others. I absolutely feel awdul .

I am so sorey I cant even artixulate msyelf . I just would not wish this much 
It's mostly internal or invisible or undiagnosed or things I am struggling to talk about


I know we have to choose out battles and on the surface everything i am xomplaining abiut seems so minor or pathetic bit I promise,promise,promise, that I wouldnt be reaching out if it was managable and I promuse its no little thing i am gping through

I jouenal in my unreadable handwriting a lot as well as notes , emails to self, prayer and more 

I am constantly battling and getting nowhere. I really do want to give up. Frankly all I want right now realistically is the guts/strength/ability but ironically i don

Is this what I was born for ? To suffer? To see wrongdoers thrive? To constantly be bullied? To fail further?
 

I am really suffering for nothing and I just do not see. Trust me I've read books and articles, watched youtube videos, listened to podcasts, asked counsellors ive done all sorts to try abd deal wifh but there is absolutely no excuse for the bullying that is happening to em sns ive fpudn no resource on how to deal with desling with suffering from all angles at omce, I am only ONE person!

By the way the vicious neighbour irrently he is on the phone to his mother on loudspeaker in garden 09:50am

Trust me I am trying best to implement helplines , self help, self care,healthy diet, m but ultimately to this day I am defeated and I want to know what I can do to transform things immediately.

I cannot and do not have a routine or lifestyle, I am never in peace, and I all I see around me are functioning, productive, 

Apparently gor an emaik come throygh during this tyoing someone just came round to see me the hosuing officer whixh Believe me i would hsve openend if I couls move from bed and I had both heard any knocking or been able to get up. And I am also still in my pyjamas and gown due to doscomfort wearing regular clothes durong this time. Also the flat is a tip still since I xant manage tasks so I xannof ahow myself as a scruff. 

Oh I bloody hate my life I really really really do and no I dont think anyone in any kind of state or situation would swap given the chance since it really is that harrowing. I don't understand how and why I am in suxh a bas situation today and how and why I always experience such cruelty?

I want an escape from all of this to tell you the truth.

I am sorry to back here again even though community team have been in contact with me several times but I need to speak to people as the loneliness,unemployment, and multiple diseases are unbearable. Amongst many hardships, the lack of bodily development (not to mention how patronising it is to be plagued with widespread, non healing, embedded,itchy ,painful, disgusting lesions )means as someone who will be 27 next month I am still not taken seriously based on unfortunate appearance. It has been proven to me to this day that how we are perceived does matter. I am feeling weak, fatigued, aching, and all the regular/daily/constant symptoms. It feels too much and I am 100% sure that if anyone else were my situation, they'd be complaining and feeling helpless too but so far never met anybody else this plagued tragic, unproductive etc
What more can I try?

Why am I still here? Why am I such a fault? What should I be doing? Is there any hope? Will things ever make sense? What is the point of this repetitive ,unproductive, dire reality? 

Still no job offer. I am sat in this vile flat rotting away , applying, waiting, suffering as usual i am sorry for a negative reply but it’s the truth. 27 years old and have NOTHING to my name! I can’t cope.