Need some advice for my daughter

Tl187
Tl187 Online Community Member Posts: 6 Listener
edited April 2023 in Families and carers
Hi, I desperately need some advice for my daughter.  She is 13 and in year 8, her social anxiety mainly focused around school started in year 7 but she plodded on through until a couple of months ago even though she was going in she would turn up late everyday and text me asking to pick her up.  The school have said they will put things in place to support her but I have yet to see any of these plans come to light.. She is now point blank refusing to go to school and even a conversation about it sends her into panic, shaking and crying. I have referred her to many different organisations to get her some counselling/therapy in place and I am waiting to hear from them.  What should I do in the mean time? and advice is welcome. Thanks 

Comments

  • poppy123456
    poppy123456 Online Community Member Posts: 64,463 Championing
    The waiting times for many organisations are often very long. Can you speak to her GP in the meantime, maybe they can offer some support. Speak to the school again to and tell them the difficulties you're having sending her to school.
    I had the same problem with my daughter when she was the same age, so i totally understand how difficult this is.
  • L_Volunteer
    L_Volunteer Community Volunteer Adviser, Scope Member Posts: 7,922 Championing
    edited April 2023
    Good morning @TI187. You have been really brave in reaching out to us, I can hear what a difficult time it is for you and your family at the moment. Although your daughter is the one going through it, I am aware it affects the entire family.

    Please can I ask, does your daughter have an EHCP or is this just based on an ILP/something similar to an ILP? If an EHCP, the school is legally bound to ensure the provision is made. 

    Of course, the recommended advice, therefore, changes depending on if this is legally bound. In the meantime, it will be about listening to your daughter, validating your daughter's feelings and just being there - as I am sure you are doing already  <3
  • Tl187
    Tl187 Online Community Member Posts: 6 Listener
    Hi, thanks for your reply, she doesn’t have anything like that at the moment. She has a pastoral room at school where she can go to if she feels it’s all too much (she was spending most of her day in there) the school are dragging their heels tbh I have referred her to cahms and they had passed me onto some websites where I have self referred her for therapy. I’m stuck with what to do about school, I think we are passed the point of getting her to go into school she gets in too much of a state.  Have been thinking about speaking to the council about alternate provision education (I think that’s what it’s called) x
  • Tl187
    Tl187 Online Community Member Posts: 6 Listener
    poppy123456 said:
    The waiting times for many organisations are often very long. Can you speak to her GP in the meantime, maybe they can offer some support. Speak to the school again to and tell them the difficulties you're having sending her to school.
    I had the same problem with my daughter when she was the same age, so i totally understand how difficult this is.
    We have been to the go who gave us the phone number for cahms, I self referred her to cahms who sent a letter back saying her case is closed and I need to go to the websites they have recommended to refer her for therapy. So not overly impressed with the support so far to be honest, you don’t have to answer this but what did you do with your daughter did you manage to get her to go to school eventually? X
  • Tl187
    Tl187 Online Community Member Posts: 6 Listener
    EffinMuppet said:
    This sounds like me when I was at school - I was MADE to go, despite physical bullying and all sorts, the school didn't want to know (but this was 70s/ 80s!). I ended up with bladder problems, nervous ticks and lasting anxieties to this day. I don't know the answers on the official front, but if my younger self could have a voice NOW it'd ask the adults to listen more, for someone to give me the time and space to say how I felt and for someone to at least acknowledge the problem. In my case things escalated to epic proportions fuelled by bullying which may not be your daughter's case, but school in itself was a horrible and challenging environment for me - moving classrooms every lesson and being terrified of being lost, late, having the wrong books, the smells and loud, echoing noises, the other kids, unsympathetic teachers - it's important to know what factors are causing the anxieties and seeing if any could be lessened or removed, and it doesn't take an expert or official tick in the box for a good school to help out. The solution at the first school where it started would have been just for me to go to a different school. Not always easy, I know, but dialogue with your daughter is everything, and making sure she feels heard and supported. I always feel it's easier to accept the unacceptable if someone at least tells me WHY the situation can't be changed but that someone appreciates that it's difficult for me and has my back. Could the school give her a mentor / guide, either child or teacher? It's all so much easier with someone on your side to give you confidence, another perspective when you're anxious or to liaise with people with whom you're struggling to communicate.
    She also has the nervous tics which makes the whole social anxiety situation worse because she feels like everyone is laughing and talking about her 😞 she has been offered a mentor but refused because the mentor would be a year 10 student and she doesn’t feel comfortable talking to them.  They have also said they will give her a time out card so she can leave the class (this was 2/3 weeks ago still no card) they arranged for her to have a pastoral meeting last Monday-unfortunately she didn’t make it into school so I emailed and phoned to rearrange and have heard nothing back. Even just talking about school her nervous tics start going crazy and she starts shaking, it’s heartbreaking.  Thank you for your response I appreciate you taking the time ☺️
  • Tl187
    Tl187 Online Community Member Posts: 6 Listener
    Beaver79 said:
    Good morning @TI187 Welcome to the Community. I am so sorry your daughter is having such a difficult time. Have you tried IPSEA - Independent Provider of Special Educational Advice. 
    https://www.ipsea.org.uk  Good luck.
    I haven’t actually heard of this so will take a look now, thank you ☺️
  • poppy123456
    poppy123456 Online Community Member Posts: 64,463 Championing
    Tl187 said:
    poppy123456 said:
    The waiting times for many organisations are often very long. Can you speak to her GP in the meantime, maybe they can offer some support. Speak to the school again to and tell them the difficulties you're having sending her to school.
    I had the same problem with my daughter when she was the same age, so i totally understand how difficult this is.
    We have been to the go who gave us the phone number for cahms, I self referred her to cahms who sent a letter back saying her case is closed and I need to go to the websites they have recommended to refer her for therapy. So not overly impressed with the support so far to be honest, you don’t have to answer this but what did you do with your daughter did you manage to get her to go to school eventually? X

    I never found Cahms to be very helpful at all to be honest. We did have some appointments with the but they didn't do anything to help.

    School weren't helpful either and often told me it was me being over protective and she was just a shy young girl. They also told me that they knew her as much as i did and never seen what i seen. I felt like bashing my head against a wall so many times.

    She did go to school but every morning was a huge battle. Eventually when she was 16 i removed her from her school and home schooled her for several months. Then we moved house and she started college in the September. She was in the special needs department of the college but only temporary because of lack of funding and not having a EHCP. For this reason they started the EHCP process off, which was long but finally got the after about several months. This then allowed her to remain in the special needs department with one 2 one support for the whole time she was in college. They were amazing and for the first time in her whole life she felt like people believed her.

    They also referred her for a ASD assessment, which also took several months. Various appiontments for both of us and visits to her college to observe her in various ways such as in class and outside of class at break times. Eventually we had ASD diagnosis as well as a learning disability and Social Anxiety. She was 17 by the time we got all those and after 14 years of fighting it was a huge relief to know that it really wasn't just me.


  • Tl187
    Tl187 Online Community Member Posts: 6 Listener
    poppy123456 said:
    Tl187 said:
    poppy123456 said:
    The waiting times for many organisations are often very long. Can you speak to her GP in the meantime, maybe they can offer some support. Speak to the school again to and tell them the difficulties you're having sending her to school.
    I had the same problem with my daughter when she was the same age, so i totally understand how difficult this is.
    We have been to the go who gave us the phone number for cahms, I self referred her to cahms who sent a letter back saying her case is closed and I need to go to the websites they have recommended to refer her for therapy. So not overly impressed with the support so far to be honest, you don’t have to answer this but what did you do with your daughter did you manage to get her to go to school eventually? X

    I never found Cahms to be very helpful at all to be honest. We did have some appointments with the but they didn't do anything to help.

    School weren't helpful either and often told me it was me being over protective and she was just a shy young girl. They also told me that they knew her as much as i did and never seen what i seen. I felt like bashing my head against a wall so many times.

    She did go to school but every morning was a huge battle. Eventually when she was 16 i removed her from her school and home schooled her for several months. Then we moved house and she started college in the September. She was in the special needs department of the college but only temporary because of lack of funding and not having a EHCP. For this reason they started the EHCP process off, which was long but finally got the after about several months. This then allowed her to remain in the special needs department with one 2 one support for the whole time she was in college. They were amazing and for the first time in her whole life she felt like people believed her.

    They also referred her for a ASD assessment, which also took several months. Various appiontments for both of us and visits to her college to observe her in various ways such as in class and outside of class at break times. Eventually we had ASD diagnosis as well as a learning disability and Social Anxiety. She was 17 by the time we got all those and after 14 years of fighting it was a huge relief to know that it really wasn't just me.


    It’s so sad that we have to fight this hard to get some support and a diagnosis/assessment😞 I will be trying to contact the school again tomorrow and let them know that she is taking some time off due to this, it’s gone past the point where I can make her go so I feel the only option is to find out about alternative education/home schooling. Thanks for getting back to me, I’m glad your daughter finally got the help she needed-gives me hope for the future x

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