Can anyone give me some advice please?

Autism_at_40 · March 2023

Hello,

I hope this is not too long..

So, to cut a long story short (well, not that short it turns out)...

Last year I was living with my sister, she ended up kicking me out with only a week's notice because I didn't give her all of my COL payments (If I had, then I wouldn't have been able to get my own place, which I was in the process of doing as she was selling her flat and made it clear I couldn't move with her).

Thankfully, my friend and her boyfriend, drove 4 hours to pick me and my stuff up so I could move in with them before finding my own place (back to where I am originally from).

I put a lot of pressure on myself to find somewhere to live, really stressing myself out over it, little did I know that they had expected it to take a while, so I wished I had known that from the start.

Anyway, I finally did find somewhere, but they told me that they weren't going to kick me out straight away, that I could stay as long as it took me to get it ready to move into (carpets, painting, furniture etc). They also said that they would help me with collecting large items of furniture.

While I was living with them, I had a few conversations with my friend. I didn't realise it at the time (I often need a lot of time to process conversations) how insulting they were. I thought she understood my Autism, or at least she said that she wouldn't judge as she didn't know enough about it.

One conversation she said 'there's you and then your Autism' as if they are separate (I don't believe they are, Autism is a part of who I am right? I mean it affects the way my brain works, so it's not separate to me).

Another conversation she said she wanted me to meet this friend of hers, this bloke who has Autism 'so i could see how different I am' insinuating that he was 'more Autistic' than I am. Again, I felt this insulting as I have masked so much in my life that I don't show things that others might.

I never told my friend how I felt about these conversations as I was living there, i thought it might be awkward and also I don't really know how to communicate how I feel.

When it got close to moving in, my friend and her boyfriend helped me pick up a chair for the flat, but I still needed a sofa. So when I found one, I messaged my friend (even though I felt really awkward about asking) and she asked me to message her boyfriend in the group chat we had, which I did.

I could tell that he didn't really want to do it, based on his responses. Later that day, I messaged about the time that the person I was getting it from wanted it collecting, which was a couple of days later (Friday).

Both my friend and her boyfriend read the message but ignored it.

The night I moved in (Wednesday), I had decided just that morning as all my white goods were being delivered the next day and I had moved the majority of my stuff in by that point anyway. My friend had said (the previous weekend) about bringing the bed over they were giving me. But she had not mentioned it since, so I wasn't sure she was going to do it (She has a habit of saying she will do stuff and not following through).

I said, if you're still doing the sofa on Friday, you can do it at the same time. But, she ignored the message about the sofa and just said I needed a bed to sleep on. So they fetched it over that night.

She seemed ok with me, but her boyfriend clearly didnt want to be around me and they left within minutes.

I had told my friend that I could feel that i was approaching Autistic Burnout, but she didn't respond (this was a day before i think).

I did reply to my friend about the installation of everything, the next day.

The day after was the day that I would've had the sofa collection, but I never heard a thing from either my friend or her boyfriend about the collection.

Now, I have a cold, my period (sorry if TMI), and I feel like I just need to be in lockdown, not speak to anyone. The past year was very hard for me and I feel like I need to shut myself away.

My friend messaged me on Sunday asking if I was settled in. I didn't respond as I just don't feel like talking to anyone, plus I don't know what to say.

I don't want to just brush under the carpet what happened with the sofa. But I don't have the energy to work out what to say either. I feel like she might say they forgot, which I am not buying because of the way they ignored my messages and the way I was reacted to when I initially asked.

She has messaged me again today and has just sent me an email too.

I don't know what to do about it, I don't know what to say to her as I just don't have the energy at the moment.

I feel bad that I am not saying anything because they did put me up for 3 months, but at the same time, I feel like I have to take care of myself first.

Sorry, it's so long.

Any advice on this please?

Autism_at_40 · March 2023

UPDATE:
My friend, rang me and then popped in. I could've just pretended I wasn't in, but I opened the door.

I explained how I felt and that I felt like they didn't want to help me, so I left it and it made me feel awkward.

Apparently, I had a conversation with them on the Tuesday night about them helping me with the sofa and they said it was ok. Something I don't remember at all.

I don't know if I feel better or worse to be honest.

I have just checked my journal, which I write in every day to help me as I don't have anyone to talk to, and I didn't see them at all that night.

So, my friend has to be lying to me, she says we had a conversation, but I didn't even see her that night. It was the only night it could've been. She mentioned that I had said about a film, which I remember, but that must've been another night.

Now, I feel like I know why I didn't feel better. Because it's not true.

I really don't know what to think now.

fourblackbirds · March 2023

Honestly it sounds like you've really been through it! It seems like a lot going on in a short period of time, which definitely explains why you feel so burnt out. If it's okay, I'm going to bullet point my thoughts as I read through your post.

"little did I know that they had expected it to take a while, so I wished I had known that from the start."

That's not on you; they should have communicated this. Unfortunately there's nothing to be done about it now, but you shouldn't feel afraid to ask for clear timelines or intentions. You can't know something you don't know, right?

"One conversation she said 'there's you and then your Autism' as if they are separate"

I agree with you that they aren't separate; you are autistic and that's the end of it. If you weren't autistic you'd be a different person. This is something I would explain to her the best I could. It's then up to her to do any research if she wants to learn about it; you can't force her to care about it (but she also has no right to make comments about something she knows nothing about). Personally I'd call her out on it when she says it.

"I never told my friend how I felt about these conversations as I was living there, i thought it might be awkward and also I don't really know how to communicate how I feel."

It can be really difficult, especially with friends because you don't want to hurt their feelings, but it's really important that you're at least heard. You don't have to go into detail about how you feel; you can literally just say that her comment makes you feel sad. If she asks why, perhaps offer to come back to it after you've processed and thought it through. I find it particularly helpful to write down my recollection of the situation and take time to write down how I feel about it. Then go back and either have them read it, or read it to them. What they choose to do then is not in your control; you've done what you need to.

"Both my friend and her boyfriend read the message but ignored it."

I know this can be so easily taken personally, but sometimes it helps to take a step back and assess the situation; perhaps they've ignored it intentionally, or perhaps they have other things going on and they meant to reply but got caught up with other things. It's easy to speculate, but there's no way to know for sure, especially when you're stressed out already.

"She seemed ok with me, but her boyfriend clearly didnt want to be around me and they left within minutes."

Same as above; he genuinely could have just been having a bad day or had other things on his mind; I know I've come across as aloof when I've got a lot going on elsewhere.

"Now, I have a cold, my period (sorry if TMI), and I feel like I just need to be in lockdown, not speak to anyone. The past year was very hard for me and I feel like I need to shut myself away."

Not TMI at all. If you feel like you need to take a few days for yourself, absolutely do so, but it is generally a good idea to let loved ones know you're doing this so they don't worry. A short message is fine; something like, "I've had a busy few days which I've found very stressful, so I'm taking a few days to decompress and detox; I might not reply to messages but I am okay and I will speak to you soon."

"I feel bad that I am not saying anything because they did put me up for 3 months, but at the same time, I feel like I have to take care of myself first."

It was very nice of them to do so, but friendships should not be based on who owes who favours; people should do kind things because they want to, not because they want something in return; they may have helped you, but that does not mean you owe them anything. You have nothing to feel bad for and you absolutely need to take care of yourself. I'd be more upset that a friend wasn't looking after their physical and mental health than if they couldn't do me a favour.

"I explained how I felt and that I felt like they didn't want to help me, so I left it and it made me feel awkward."

I'm proud of you! It can be really rough having these conversations, but I think it's really important to put your feelings and opinions out there and I'm super proud of you for even trying.

There's really nothing I can say about your friend supposedly lying because I wasn't witness to any of it, but I do believe you, and I think it's great that you keep things written down. I think you should absolutely keep doing that. My best advice would be to practice sharing your feelings, maybe about little things to start with and maybe build up to scary things. It can be really scary to bare your feelings to friends, especially if they're negative, but true friends will want to learn how to help you with your autism. In any case, I want you to know that I read your whole post and I really hope I've helped even a tiny bit here.

SueHeath · March 2023

Morning and Bless you @Autism_at_40 and yes i have read both of your comments, as you both know Autism is a very large spectrum with no two people being the same, i feel people do not under stand this.
I do feel they are true friends Autism, they have helped you a lot, we all have other things going on in our lives that we do not always share with friends and family, and yes we can all look to deep into other peoples actions/the words they say etc, in another view perhaps your friends wont you to succeed in living in your own space and sorting some problems out yourself. Please don't push them away, try and move on and settle into your lovely home and home is what it is, yours. Take care

Autism_at_40 · March 2023

@fourblackbirds Thank you for taking the time to read my long post and then reply to it too, much appreciated.

In response...

That's not on you; they should have communicated this. Unfortunately there's nothing to be done about it now, but you shouldn't feel afraid to ask for clear timelines or intentions. You can't know something you don't know, right?

I think at the time, I was too afraid to ask, as I had just been through a really traumatic year, then a sudden move. I just assumed that I should get out as soon as I could, my pressure on myself was to be out before Christmas because I didn't want to intrude on their Christmas. Anyway, I'm not very good at communicating stuff like that. It was especially hard because we aren't exactly old friends and hadn't spoken for a while too.

I agree with you that they aren't separate; you are autistic and that's the end of it. If you weren't autistic you'd be a different person. This is something I would explain to her the best I could. It's then up to her to do any research if she wants to learn about it; you can't force her to care about it (but she also has no right to make comments about something she knows nothing about). Personally I'd call her out on it when she says it.

The problem was that when she said it, I didn't really think anything of it, I thought, because I am new to being Autistic (in the sense that I am new to my diagnosis and still trying to come to terms with it in a way, obviously, I have always been), that I thought maybe she was right. But then after the fact, the more that I thought about it, the more I thought, 'hang on a minute, that doesn't sound right'.

She kept saying that there's me and the Autism (separate) and that I keep forgetting me. Which isn't right at all. I think that a lot of people have that thing where they say 'everyone's a little Autistic', I've had it said to me. It's like being pregnant, you either are or you are not, there is no 'little bit'. Sometimes we have pregnancy traits like back pain or tiredness but it doesn't mean you are pregnant (saw that from thelittleblackduck.com.au).

Originally, when I explained to her how my sister had treated me, that she was never going to judge what it's like to be Autistic, because she doesn't know. I've shared quite a bit of stuff about it too. I may well call her out on it if she tries it with me again.

I find it particularly helpful to write down my recollection of the situation and take time to write down how I feel about it. Then go back and either have them read it, or read it to them. What they choose to do then is not in your control; you've done what you need to.

That's a good way of doing it, I do find that it's easier to write things down and go through it a few times. Trouble is, that I didn't realise at the time that it was so offensive to me.

I know this can be so easily taken personally, but sometimes it helps to take a step back and assess the situation; perhaps they've ignored it intentionally, or perhaps they have other things going on and they meant to reply but got caught up with other things. It's easy to speculate, but there's no way to know for sure, especially when you're stressed out already.

I understand what you're saying and that's why I waited to see if they would say anything. But it was the ignoring of the message together with them bringing the bed and not even staying 5 minutes, which was unusual and then not messaging about it at all that did it for me. It was also the way that he responded to it in the first place, it was just 'off' to me.

Same as above; he genuinely could have just been having a bad day or had other things on his mind; I know I've come across as aloof when I've got a lot going on elsewhere.

Again, I get this, but I have just spent 3 months living with them, so I have got to know what they are like on good and bad days. He has never been like this with me before. He has been to the flat a few times, even when he has wanted to get home to eat or whatever, he has at least stayed for a little bit. I just felt this was an additional thing that made me think they didn't want to do it, but didn't want to tell me.

Not TMI at all. If you feel like you need to take a few days for yourself, absolutely do so, but it is generally a good idea to let loved ones know you're doing this so they don't worry. A short message is fine; something like, "I've had a busy few days which I've found very stressful, so I'm taking a few days to decompress and detox; I might not reply to messages but I am okay and I will speak to you soon."

I could've done this, yes. However, in my brain, I was thinking that if I don't say anything about what has happened with the sofa, then it will just get brushed under the carpet and forgotten about. So I thought, that I had to say something about it, the next time we spoke. But because of the stress and everything, I didn't know how to approach it, so I ended up doing nothing. (I think this might actually be another Autistic trait - getting overwhelmed by something and then not doing anything at all).

It was very nice of them to do so, but friendships should not be based on who owes who favours; people should do kind things because they want to, not because they want something in return; they may have helped you, but that does not mean you owe them anything. You have nothing to feel bad for and you absolutely need to take care of yourself. I'd be more upset that a friend wasn't looking after their physical and mental health than if they couldn't do me a favour.

Thank you for saying this. I think I felt like this a bit because my sister was terrible. When she collected me from where I was living, she hired a van and had a friend with her. I paid for the van hire, the fuel that went into it, I gave them both £20 as a thank you for doing it and paid for a takeaway for them. But when my sister kicked me out, she said about how much she'd done for me, I told her that I had paid for all of the above and her response was "you didn't pay for my time!!!".

My friend has said a few times that they didn't do it to get anything from me. But, I do feel like I am indebted to them in some way. I suppose too many people in my life have said "After all I've done for you..." it's hard-wired into my brain that I have to repay in some way.

I'm proud of you! It can be really rough having these conversations, but I think it's really important to put your feelings and opinions out there and I'm super proud of you for even trying.

Thank you

There's really nothing I can say about your friend supposedly lying because I wasn't witness to any of it, but I do believe you, and I think it's great that you keep things written down. I think you should absolutely keep doing that. My best advice would be to practice sharing your feelings, maybe about little things to start with and maybe build up to scary things. It can be really scary to bare your feelings to friends, especially if they're negative, but true friends will want to learn how to help you with your autism. In any case, I want you to know that I read your whole post and I really hope I've helped even a tiny bit here.

I find this comment slightly odd, as you weren't a witness to anything else I said, but you commented on all of that.

Just to be clear, this is how it went. I said how I felt they didn't want to do it and that they didn't reply to my message. My friend said that they communicated that they would do it verbally in person. I asked when as I had no recollection of this. She said that day (it would've been the Tuesday), I came back to theirs, they were watching a film, they paused it. We had a 15 minute conversation, I said was it ok or was it too late and they said it was fine. Then I said something about a film.

I said I didn't remember any of this conversation, apart from the last comment about the film. I felt odd about it, normally, if I had been clearing the air, I would feel better about the situation, but I didn't.

So, after she had gone, I checked my diary and I hadn't seen them that night AT ALL. I had got back and they weren't home, so I went straight to bed. The conversation could not have taken place at any other time because it was that morning I had contacted the person about the sofa, the next day I didn't go back.

So might point is that it was something that was very detailed. I can't believe that she would go to that extent. I mean, either she is crazy, or she is lying about the conversation and it made me feel like I was the crazy one. I even said to her that I must be missing things, thinking that I had completely forgotten the conversation. But that clearly isn't the case - she fabricated the conversation.

I try to share my feelings, but as I've mentioned before, I don't always realise at the time, it takes me time to think about it afterwards. I have brought things up after the fact with people before, but I think they think I am crazy for doing this.

Yes, thank you for reading the whole post. It did help to read this through and to go through it all, it's much appreciated. I do tend to think sometimes that it's me.

I've got to a point where I don't feel like I can have friends any more as it's either me making them go sour, or it is them that can't handle the way that I am.

Autism_at_40 · March 2023

@SueHeath Thank you for taking the time to read my post. I just discovered, this post didn't post when I wrote it.

as you both know Autism is a very large spectrum with no two people being the same, i feel people do not under stand this.

Yes, I agree, but I have told my friend this several times. Maybe it just didn't sink in.

I do feel they are true friends Autism, they have helped you a lot, we all have other things going on in our lives that we do not always share with friends and family, and yes we can all look to deep into other peoples actions/the words they say etc, in another view perhaps your friends wont you to succeed in living in your own space and sorting some problems out yourself.

I agree that they have done a lot to help me. However, would you trust someone who has completely fabricated a conversation, making you feel like you were crazy? One of my biggest deal breakers is when people lie to me. I feel like this is a pretty big one.

My friends know how much I have done for myself and they know how hard I find everything. They have told me that they would help me to get furniture. He is the one with the van, I don't have a van and it would seem daft to have me hire a van when he has one, just so that they can see me "Succeed in sorting problems out", that doesn't make any logical sense to me at all.

Please don't push them away, try and move on and settle into your lovely home and home is what it is, yours. Take care

I'm not sure I can get past the absolute lie I was told.

Thanks for your comments.

Autism_at_40 · April 2023

@EffinMuppet
Thanks for your reply. I'm glad it's not just me that feels this way.
Honestly, it has been a while now. I got a message from the friend about some letters, but I didn't respond, or read it actually and I haven't heard from them since, which I think is for the best. I get a feeling of dread if I think of them just turning up unannounced, which is why I feel like it's for the best if I stay away from them.

I did remember something else about the situation too, which solidified for me that she made it up and I know it didn't happen.

It sounds like your employer was a nightmare. Thankfully, I didn't tell my job when I got diagnosed, I kept it quiet. I told 1 work colleague and she gave me the usual 'everyone's a bit Autistic' line and not long after that she stopped talking to me and quit her job without telling anyone..

I recently went on Autistic Dating and got chatting to a bloke on there, we decided to email, his last email to me felt like he was completely dismissive of my thoughts and opinions, he misinterpreted things too. I felt like the whole thing over again, so I basically told him exactly what I thought and how he made me feel. So, even fellow Autistics do the same thing, which surprises me (I have wondered if he was actually Autistic as he didn't seem to follow the 'norm' - but who knows).

Yeah, I read somewhere that if someone says 'after all I've done for you' it means they didn't do it for you at all, but for themselves and I've come to realise that. My sister stayed with me for months years ago and I have never ever brought it up, it's like you say, you do things to be kind and help people, not for what you can get from it or hold over people in the future.

I like how you put it:

if you require something guaranteed back then run a business, sign a contract and get paid!

I tend to give back way more than people give to me, but not in situations like this. Had my friend not done what she did, I would've made sure I gave back more.

You're right, we should never apologise for being Autistic, it's not like we chose it. I think you're right too, given the chance, I think we make really good friends, but I think some people take advantage of that or don't see nice gestures for what they are, it's sad really.

I've come to the conclusion that I am just better off alone, so here I am with no family and no friends.. but I'm happier because the stress of having friends and family who do those things to me just isn't worth it.

Autism_at_40 · April 2023

@Purrrrrrr
Yeah, that's a good way of doing it if it works for you.

Autism_at_40 · April 2023

If I was allowed pets, I would probably get a kitten..

That is very true

Strawberry1 · June 2023

I am wondering about Autism. I've been questioning myself. I did an online test but struggled with some of the questions. I scored 37 . I wasn't able to understand some of the questions. Just curious 🤔

Strawberry1 · June 2023

Thank you @EffinMuppet . I appreciate your time. I will have a look around on this section. Thanks again

Autism_at_40 · June 2023

@Strawberry1
Try this;

https://youtu.be/FyoGpebQGYE
Out of 63 I got 50+.

I agree with some of what @EffinMuppet said, that it's a good and a bad thing, for mostly the same reasons.

It's also good because you can apply for PIP to get some extra money. It's bad for me cos not one of my friends has stood by me.

I would say the length of time you're waiting depends on the county, the person who told me about it had only 3 months to wait, me in a different county was 13 months plus extra for covid. I think it depends where you live.

Was it the 37 out of 50? That's still quite a high score.

When I went for mine, I tried to stay away from reading anything about Autism because I didnt want it to influence my answers with the assessor. I have since read up on stuff and it really does affect more than you think.

Good luck 💜

Strawberry1 · June 2023

Thank you @Autism_at_40 , yes it was 37 out of 50 . Thank you for your time and support 🙏. Bless you 🙏

Strawberry1 · June 2023

I hope I wasn't being a burden @Autism_at_40 and @EffinMuppet .

Autism_at_40 · June 2023

Not at all. Wouldnt have replied if it was 😉.

Strawberry1 · June 2023

Thank you 😊 @Autism_at_40 .

Strawberry1 · June 2023

Thank you @EffinMuppet 😊

Autism_at_40 · June 2023

EffinMuppet said:

Autism_at_40 that '63 things' thing was hysterically funny - I got 59! It's like this guy's met me lol I've never seen a list like that, it was SO 'me' I was just laughing out loud! Thanks for that.

You're welcome, glad you liked it 😁

Autism_at_40 · June 2023

@EffinMuppet
Once again, a lot of interesting things said.

It's funny you should say about private companies, my sister the one I think is mentioned at the beginning of this post, actually asked me that, she thought I might've gone to some dodgy company to get a diagnosis!

Because of covid, I was also waiting around 2 years for my assessment. I didnt tell anyone I was going for it though. At the time, I didnt have anyone to fill in the family questionnaire, but I still got a diagnosis.

When it comes to 'fixing' the test, I didnt know it was un-conable (that's probably not a word), it just reminds me of all those people that say 'everyone's a bit Autistic' when they have a few traits - which I find insulting. (I actually saw something on pinterest that said that's like saying if you've got back ache and swollen ankles you're a bit pregnant! You either are or you're not!). I suppose if there are people with different traits and arent Autistic and there are enough of them that have different ones, I wonder if it's ever been conned that way.. (I dont think I'm making sense), but like you said they've probably already thought of that.

I agree that I think we get in the way of the able-bodied existence. They literally dont understand what it's like and I dont think they care to understand either, not everyone is lumped in this category though. Life is easier if they don't.

Which brings me back to my sister, she's a nurse, has a degree in psychology (supposedly studied Autism) and has worked with Autistic people, when I first moved in with her she was far more understanding, but as time went by I think she just got fed up of adapting and did everything she knew I had a problem with, even going as far as saying I had issues but it's not Autism. We end up having to adapt and not the other way round... Sad really as we are less able to do it.

There's an interesting book I started reading last year, I need to finish it actually, Unmasking Autism by Dr Devon Price, it's written by someone who was also a late diagnosis and had a degree in psychology. Lots of very interesting things I've learnt so far, like that a lot of things are misdiagnosed, like OCD, borderline personality disorder, massive depressive episodes etc, it's all Autism.

I started going through the book and wrote down all the things that were things I could relate to and got 2 A4 pages worth...

It's very enlightening..

Anyway, I shall stop this essay 😁

Autism_at_40 · June 2023

You should definitely get it! I actually got it gifted to me from a charity that gives books to people who can't afford them, I don't know if there is anything like that where you live.

Oh, that sounds awful. I have been given drugs before, but I have never taken any.. I just hear stories like yours and it totally puts me off. I try to avoid anything pharmaceutical altogether.

he didn't think I was depressed just that I momentarily got down or stressed about situations but that my ability to ultimately bounce back made me a very resilient person

I think this is interesting because I do have bouts of 'depression', but I think it is more that we just can't cope with certain things and the not knowing what to do really makes us go into ourselves and it looks like a massive depressive event.

Of course now I have the autism assessment it all makes sense; I was sent (as part of the assessment) to a specialist mental health nurse who totally agreed that I didn't have a mental illness or depression, my autism just made some things hard for me to cope with in the instance they happened

I wasn't sent anywhere as part of my assessment. I literally had a 1-1.5 hour assessment on zoom and that was it. I did an online course I didn't find particularly helpful and was put on a waiting list for counselling, which I still haven't had 2 years later (because I moved and it all got complicated).

I do think unseen disabilities like autism are seen by many as an excuse - like they're not real, you just trot the condition out when it suits so as to have things your own way.

I agree, especially when we are so good at masking. I mean if I look back to when I was a child, I did have outbursts and I was probably seen as a petulant child or something. As an adult, masking, we have learnt to keep all these things hidden and it's mentally exhausting when you really want to shout out and say something, (which of course would be socially unacceptable) so you hold it in and then have to deal with the consequences that no-one can see, so they don't understand how it takes a toll on us.

And for people who are brave and try to carry on as normal I think it's worse! I've 'masked' for half a century and I'm sure that's why people can't accept my meltdowns - I'm not on their radar as struggling, even though I often am terribly.

I wasn't diagnosed until 38, so I masked the whole of that time (except when I was a child obviously). I decided that I wasn't going to just put up with jobs that made me have shutdowns anymore. I think that we have masked for so long that it is very hard to un-do all that masking, that's another good reason to read that book, I'm hoping it will help me to get rid of all the stuff that I am doing to 'fit in' and just be my Autistic and authentic self and not care what other people think of me.

It also ties into another book that I have pre-ordered called 'Becoming Flawesome', I think it's like accepting the things that make you flawed, I think. Anyway, it made me think of the unmasking process.

So when it gets too much and I implode people just think I'm nuts or have a horrible temperament that flares

I tend to look like I'm severely depressed when this happens, I just want to get away from everyone and be silent on my own - people just don't understand.

Autism_at_40 I'm glad you like writing as much as I do, and explaining and interesting discussions - I could probably converse with you all day lol

Me too

I'm always up for a really good conversation, no reason we can't keep this going

Autism_at_40 · June 2023

Well, that was me before last year, I was tested to the limit last year and now, I have explosive episodes, but usually when I'm on my own (I've limited my exposure to other people over the last few months).

Your colleague sounds annoying, I can't even work at the moment. It's always the same though, that people think they are worse off, my sister was the same.

Yeah, I was diagnosed and just left to get on with it too (apart from that rubbish course), I've had to feel my way through it all, slowly. Some people have helped along the way. It was a woman from MIND that told me about the book. I think you just have to keep reaching out to people and see what different people say.

I think if you're going to have counselling (which I am hoping to do at some point), you have to get a counsellor that understands Autism, otherwise, it's a waste of time. The only person that has understood me was my support worker for PIP (from an Autism charity), I'm now talking to someone from another Autism charity, she is also Autistic, so totally gets it. You need to find the right people to engage with I think.

I have a tribunal coming up for UC LCWRA and I'm unsure if I will be able to unmask enough to show how I feel and everything affects me, but I will see.

What do you think your true self looks like? (You don't have to answer if you don't want to). I don't even know what my true self is, I have masked for too long.

Yeah, I can imagine that being very draining. I think I'm the opposite in that I have to remind myself to ask questions and seem interested, because I don't think I usually am. Small talk is boring. It's not even that I talk about myself, I hate talking about myself too. Plus, it's funny that I can make eye contact when someone is talking to me, but I can't when I am the one talking.

I've got to the point where I would rather be alone than be around people who don't understand me, or have a negative view of my Autism. I think having disingenuous people around you does more harm. I mean, let's face it, us Autistics like to be honest to the point of being blunt. I couldn't cope with being 'polite' all the time. The people who don't accept you aren't worth having in your life, in my opinion. I've walked away from people like that.

I think also, the problem here is that because you have masked so much, when you do slip, that's why people think you are being off because they've not seen you be like that before, in my opinion.

I remember one of the managers who said I was nuts saying about my diagnosis 'Oh you must be relieved!' and I thought, 'Who feels RELIEVED about finding they've got a lifelong disability with no cure that can't be treated with medication and that they're destined to struggle constantly and no one will ever accept them?!'

I think I was relieved if I'm being honest, because I knew I was different to everyone else all my life, but I think I was just labelled as a weirdo, now I KNOW that there's an explanation as to why I am the way I am. But, I understand that it must have been different for you, if you were the life and soul of the party as you said.

Wow, 50 is very late on to get diagnosed, I thought I was bad at 38. Do you mind telling me what made you think to go and get an assessment?

I have got to the point where I don't feel like I can be around people at all, I don't even go out for walks anymore because I don't want to see people or be seen, it's not even that I don't want to talk to people, as I don't know anyone to talk to anyway. I just don't want to be around people.

I wish I could have pets where I live, I would definitely get some comfort from cats

I'm glad these chats make you feel better

Can anyone give me some advice please?

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