I don’t know how to cope with my hostile work environment

One thing that has been negative is my relationship with coworkers. During Teams calls they would talk about how annoying lockdown was and one person said that everyone who was going to die from it already had by now so everything should just open back up again. I had not done my equality and diversity qualifications at this point and everyone else in the meeting was at least 2 pay grades above me so I did not feel equipped to speak up. With long-covid effectively being ME this was very difficult and shocking to hear, especially as others appeared to agree. I should mention that every single person in the meeting was a healthcare professional. 

In another meeting a colleague was talking about her hip replacement and said that I’m lucky to be so young, fit and healthy as I wouldn’t have to worry about anything like that. I spoke to her privately afterwards and she was apologetic, but when I brought it up with my line manager they were very defensive and said I was young, fit and healthy so what’s the problem. There have been other incidents, too many to mention here. 

I now have reasonable adjustments in place to not attend some of the group video calls. This is not something I need because of my ME, but because of the anxiety I experience being on calls with my team now. I tried to campaign for better equality and diversity training but it was an uphill battle with just one or two low-impact changes being made. I put a lot of energy into it over 2 years and I would say it was largely unsuccessful. 

My manager still extends offer to rejoin the team meetings and to attend Christmas nights out. I just really feel that I can not move past what has happened and the lack of enthusiasm to do anything about it. I don’t think they understand how awful it feels to be around those people after the comments they made. These invites are not really inclusion when the environment is so hostile and no effort has been made to improve thing. I am on the fence between withdrawing from everyone and grey rocking as much as I can, or going nuclear in my campaigning with zero tolerance for ignorant comments. Either way I just feel so anxious and isolated at the moment and I want to be able to move past that. Even if I still remain isolated from the colleagues themselves it would be good to work through the feelings of disappointment that it’s not going to change and to not feel so anxious on the occasions where I do have to attend calls with them. Every other aspect of the role suits my disability, in a way that I’d be unlikely to find elsewhere. 

Sorry for such a long message. If anyone has any advice or similar experiences they’d like to share I’d be very grateful.