Obsessive negative thoughts about being a bad person

66Mustang
66Mustang Online Community Member Posts: 14,991 Championing
in Relationships

I’m having some really unhelpful obsessive recurring thoughts at the moment and can’t get them out of my head and am just wondering if someone can help me dispel them, or maybe tell me they are justified, but hopefully the former!

I’m having lots of doubts that I will be able to find somebody and that someone with my traits is not desirable and I don’t have a place in the world. I’m trying to be careful with what I say to not trigger an email from the admins but I wonder, if that’s true, I am unwanted by all, then why be here at all?

I know it’s a phrase that is thrown round a lot but I really feel like there is a piece of me missing which is like a best friend who I can love and be loved by and get support and stuff from and hopefully do the same back for them. I if I was able to fill this void it would make life so much better, in fact worth living

I don’t understand what I have done wrong that I am required to be punished so severely. I know I’m VERY far from perfect and I have a dark side just like everyone else does but I don’t think I’m a REALLY horrible person, but maybe I am? But then, why can some the worst people who are really aggressive or abusive or criminal or whatever find someone who wants to love them, but I can’t? Do I need to change and be more like those other people? As I don’t think I am capable of being like that

It would be nice if there was anyone out there who understands or can relate? I have really really supportive family but even they don’t and can’t understand how I feel which I totally understand because it’s a problem that hardly anybody has, so how could they? I’m just wondering if anyone has any advice or experience or helpful words?

My family keep telling me I have lots of good traits and I am only alone because I am not able to get out and meet people and if I was able to I’d quickly make friends with nice people and maybe something would develop from one of those friendships. I would love to believe that but I am having a hard time convincing myself and wonder if they are just saying that to be kind, as they are my family?

Thanks

Comments

  • 66Mustang
    66Mustang Online Community Member Posts: 14,991 Championing
    Thank you @Beaver79 it helps a lot to read your lovely message and sorry if I don't make much sense, I am sort of in tears at the moment which is really pathetic but I will try to post a better reply later

    That is lovely to hear about your friend's son and I hope he manages to overcome his fears as it could be the making of him

    Sorry I didn't come on the daily chat thread today but I hope you are doing OK today after your stressful day yesterday?
  • 66Mustang
    66Mustang Online Community Member Posts: 14,991 Championing
    Thank you lots @Ada , also sorry we haven't spoken for a few days, I've been on and off the forum at weird times, I hope you are doing all right today?
  • chiarieds
    chiarieds Online Community Member Posts: 16,758 Championing
    Hi @66Mustang - I'd like to say don't change a thing about yourself (other than wishing you could get rid of these obsessive thoughts); you're a very kind, thoughtful & considerate person, & someone will be lucky when they find you. :)
    My son thought he'd never meet anyone (unsurprising as he didn't go anywhere or socialise at all). He's only ever had 2 girlfriends; he met the first through online gaming, & they gradually built up to video calls before meeting in person. It didn't work out, & he swore off women for life, then he met the 2nd about 7 months later, who is now his wife.
    He said she was the first person that understood some of the words he ordinarily uses, & didn't just look blank! She hadn't initially realised that he did indeed have some problems either. This of course he told her about, & the fact he has a hereditary disorder, once they became more serious. 
    I think it helps, as I believe you've mentioned before, if you can find some commonalities; mind, she even put up with visiting a zoo to see some big cats, & a sanctuary where there was a rare kind of big cat on their honeymoon! Their 2nd 'date' had actually been to a zoo, but at least she got to see some penguins (a girl after my own heart)!
    I would just like to say, please believe in yourself, that part of you that knows you're inherently good through & through  :)
  • bookrabbit
    bookrabbit Online Community Member Posts: 220 Empowering
    I often have thoughts like those so I completely understand how it feels.
    But we are not being punished. We just haven't been in the right place at the right time to meet someone who could have appreciated us. 
  • 66Mustang
    66Mustang Online Community Member Posts: 14,991 Championing

    Thank you everyone, your comments mean so much more to me than I am able to write here, and it has helped me a lot to hear that others think I am doing things right (except for not going out to meet people which I think will come)

    It also helped me to hear of the experiences that your various relatives have had, as it makes things seem a bit less impossible :blush:


    One thing which probably sounds really stupid, and I know it’s far fetched... I can’t go out on my own, I can’t drive on motorways for very long, I find it hard talking to strangers, and loads of other stuff I probably forgot. If someone told me there was £100,000 for me the other side of the country but I had to go there alone, I’d physically and mentally be unable to do it. Yet if I was informed there was someone the other end of the country who really liked me and I’d really like them and they wanted to meet me as a potential partner literally nothing would be able to stop be from going and I would jump in the car and be there :D

    The reason I mention all that is because I find socialising and stuff really hard, but if it had an end result which was priceless to me, I think it’s worth trying to overcome the anxiety if that makes any sense

  • Lou67
    Lou67 Online Community Member Posts: 8,711 Championing
    edited March 2024

    @66Mustang
    Im sorry I’ve just saw this thread.
    Im so sorry you’ve not been feeling good. 
    I just want to echo what most people have said, you are an extremely intelligent kind thoughtful and caring man with so much going for you.
    I wish you felt the same way as we feel about you. 
    Someone special will come into your life when you least expect.And they’d be very lucky to have you.

    Your worth so much I think the world off you.
     Look after yourself we all care loads about you.
    I wish I could give better advice but want you to know your thought a lot off. 

    ❤️
  • Adrian_Scope
    Adrian_Scope Posts: 11,748 Online Community Programme Lead
    How's things today, @66Mustang?

    It's very easy to have a thought that runs away with itself, but obviously I've been reading your posts for years now and never thought that you were a bad person. 

    As far as your situation goes - I'm a strong believer in taking things as they come and not putting pressure on yourself. Things will happen when they happen and as long as you're putting yourself in situations where you will meet new people and experience new things, there's always a chance. When I met my current partner I wasn't looking for anything - I had just come out of a series of incredibly unhealthy relationships and was just starting to move on and turn my life around. Meeting her happened by total fluke and in a very unexpected place and I think as long as you're putting yourself in a position where you might be able to meet people, sooner or later you'll find someone, too.

    It's also important to remember that when you're focusing on 'finding a relationship', it's probably going to make it harder for you to do that because you go into every opportunity feeling the pressure to make it work. Just keep being you and find ways to socialise with the idea of making friends, whether that's online or in person. While you struggle with socialising, generally the more you do something the easier it becomes and as long as you're doing that, who knows what might happen?
  • Sandy_123
    Sandy_123 Scope Member Posts: 62,922 Championing
    I'm glad it's helped you alot @66Mustang the advice you've had. I echo what everyone else has said

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