Scared

JoOfVengerberg

Scope friends, what do I do? My brain is being horrible and irrational. This happens mostly before bed, or in the middle of the night. I will feel like a failure even though I am highly educated and working towards my doctorate, but the worst thing is I also often fear that when I wake up someone will tell me my parents are dead. I have had this fear for a very very long time, and I don't know what to do. It manifests in feeling grief even just saying goodbye to them after a day out and crying my eyes out until I calm down or know they're at home safe. It really messes with me. Does anyone else experience these sorts of feelings/anxiety etc? How do you cope? Thank you

Oxonlady

Hi @JoOfVengerberg, I am sorry to hear of your troubles. I had similar experiences but at a much younger age. When I was around seven years old, I couldn't cope with the thought of seeing my parents in a coffin. I would cry for hours but I didn't feel that I could tell anyone how I felt. These thoughts have resurfaced recently. Not about my parents, they died over a decade ago. I still can't quite believe that my Mum has gone. My recent fears are about my son and my siblings. The only way I cope is my Christian faith. I know that when my loved ones die they will be safe with the Lord Jesus, and will be waiting for me when I pass over. My faith does give me a lot of comfort. 
Do you perhaps feel that you would not be strong enough to cope if your parents were not around? Perhaps you underestimate yourself. We all have to walk our own path at some stage in our lives. We may make mistakes but it's our learning path. 
Have you discussed your fears with your parents or anyone else that you feel comfortable with? I sometimes feel like a failure but we can only do our best. I'm sure that you are not a failure! You are doing well academically. What is your thesis on? 
Are you still interested in your subject? If so, it would help you to focus on that, rather than your fears. 
Our fears are mostly irrational, whereas to be studying for a doctorate you have to be rational, logical, methodical etc. So these two conflicting images of yourself may be rather confusing for you. Don't focus on the side of yourself that feels weaker and irrational. Soothe yourself with whatever makes you feel better. If you are so inclined, say a little prayer for your Mum and Dad and trust that they will be fine, wherever they happen to be. So will you, because you have so much going for you and you are in a position to reach out to others in need and be of service to your fellow human beings. That will bolster your self-esteem and strengthen your belief that you are not at all a failure. On the contrary you can overcome your fears, either on your own or with some help. I'm confident that you can do it. Best wishes and please come back if you wish to discuss it further. 

janer1967

Hi I'm sorry for how you are feeling I don't have any wise words of wisdom as its not something I have experienced 

You have made a step in the right direction by opening up . Could you talk to someone a friend or gp or uni support about your concerns 

Just know we are here to support you 

Oxonlady

Hi @janer1967, how is your foot? Have you managed to see a doctor? I hope you are all right. 

SueHeath

Bless you @JoOfVengerberg hope your okay this morning darling.
I'm no expert but i do know with myself and my family that a fear of someone you love dieing is quiet over whelming,
i think it's some thing we all go through, but perhaps not as strong as your feeling at the moment darling.
Do you think your worry about lots of things deep down, i'm just wondering if this could be the cause.
Perhaps it would help to talk to your Doctor or someone at the uni. xx

durhamjaide2001

Sorry you are going through this 

janer1967

@Oxonlady thanks for asking my foot is being treated dressed every 3 days and on antibiotics so hopefully it is healing.  Will find out tomorrow when dressing changed if its any better 

rebel11

I think you need to do something that puts you in a better place before you go to sleep. 
Get in the habit of doing this everyday. Something challenging and different each evening.
Do a crossword (you don't have to complete it),
Do a jigsaw puzzle (dogs or cats etc),
Painting (animals, flowers),
Listen to music (check Youtube - soothing music)
Listen to thunder / rain (check Youtube)

Above are only a few examples, but you will be thinking about other things and be in a better place when you sleep.    

https://www.walesonline.co.uk/news/uk-news/scientists-reveal-what-music-you-26014125

JoOfVengerberg

Thank you everyone. @Oxonlady @SueHeath I know where the fear comes from. When I was a young teen staying with an older sibling (different country) they asked me what I was going to do if mum and dad crashed and died on the way to the airport to pick me up and go home. I didn't have an answer and they probably don't remember saying it but it stuck with me. I told my parents recently and they understand I struggle. I no longer speak to that sibling for many other reasons so they are not in my life but I was diagnosed with PTSD and stuff. I sometimes struggle with putting myself in the present and not back there. Therapy's helped a bit.

I think with the PhD (my thesis is on disability fiction) it's that it's overwhelming because there's so much information I have to work through to find things that are useful to the subject. In the day this is mostly fine and I can deal with it but at night I can't seem to stop ruminating.

Thanks @rebel11 @janer1967 @durhamjaide2001

Sandy_123

Hi @JoOfVengerberg so sorry you are having these thoughts and feelings. Would a quick call to your parents before you go to bed ease these thoughts?  Try focus on  distractions if you can when these thoughts creep in. Also speak to your gp and also seek support at uni. Plus us lot. 

JoOfVengerberg

Thanks @Sandy_123! I always message mum goodnight, which can help. Rational brain knows they're okay. Getting some counselling at uni is a great shout though. I'll try and see someone in person. I'm waiting on therapy from the GP as well x

Sandy_123

Good luck with therapy and seeing someone at uni

Starlingbird

Hi @JoOfVengerberg. Sorry to hear you are struggling. I have OCD and part of it involves control issues which make me always worry about something happening to my loved ones (I even worry about something happening to me which would cause me to not get back home to my animal family). It's quite stressful. Could you have something like that going on, do you think?
I'm wondering if a bit of meditation before bed might help you? Even 5 minutes can be beneficial. Also, for me, I find doing something logical like Sudoku is good for my brain prior to sleep. It switches off that 'thinky' part of my brain. Maybe a bit of diary keeping may help just before sleep? I used to find emptying my head a bit before bed was helpful at stopping some of the ruminating.

JoOfVengerberg

@Starlingbird thank you! Sorry to hear about the OCD, that's tough I may have issues due to PTSD (I check I've locked things/closed things/turned things off multiple times and will check again even though I know it's fine, that sort of thing) which can translate to 'what ifs' going around in my head for hours. I write a journal entry every night, and I've just joined my university's meditation society. It's once a week but I imagine I can bring those practices home with me as well. Doing something logical is a great idea! 

Sorry I took so long to reply. Back at the PhD now after a year off so quite busy in the week!

Starlingbird

Ada said:

Hi @JoOfVengerberg I'm really sorry your suffering. There are still many out there who don't understand anxiety and think we should just pull ourselves together. When it's such a forse to fight. I've been medicated for over forty years. But I still every single day worry about how on earth will my partner cope when I'm dead. He's always saying how he will just kill himself with drink. Which he's practically doing anyway. Then every day I am frightened for my dog because no one in the world will ever know her like I do. As she me. How she likes everything how she shows emotions. All sorts of things. Every single walk I fear she be stolen it happens slot round here. Then I'm frightened what will the theives will do to her. She can't have puppies. Will they use her to train their  dog fighting dogs. And it goes Then I get scared about her dying before me. Selfishly thinking how I wouldn't cope with out her. 

What I am trying to say in my very boring long way is.. 
I don't have the answer you seek. 
But I do completely understand. 
I am sure if I had parents I would be the same as you . But my anxiety demons focus completely on my dog
I know I can't help you and I've given a rubbish answer. It's just that I'm trying to say your not alone. ****. 

For what it's worth, that isn't a rubbish answer at all, IMHO Ada. It just goes to show that many people struggle with such thoughts. I also think many similar things to you. 

I am scared of certain things happening, so I do lots of little 'rituals' because I feel they will protect the people and animals I care so deeply about. I can't not do them because, if something happens, I feel it will be my fault. It's all part of OCD. I think many people keep things like that to themselves, but it's good to discuss these kind of things as it can help people to feel less alone and 'odd'. 

Starlingbird

JoOfVengerberg said:

@Starlingbird thank you! Sorry to hear about the OCD, that's tough I may have issues due to PTSD (I check I've locked things/closed things/turned things off multiple times and will check again even though I know it's fine, that sort of thing) which can translate to 'what ifs' going around in my head for hours. I write a journal entry every night, and I've just joined my university's meditation society. It's once a week but I imagine I can bring those practices home with me as well. Doing something logical is a great idea! 

Sorry I took so long to reply. Back at the PhD now after a year off so quite busy in the week!

@JoOfVengerberg It sounds like you are being very proactive! Well done! I hope you feel less stressed once you get those positive moves in place. Xx

Starlingbird

Ada said:

@Starlingbird thank you. I feel understood and that goes a extremely long way.   You have given me a big sigh of relief

Thank you for saying that, Ada! I'm so happy to hear that me talking of my experiences has had a positive effect on you. Many people are scared of talking about these things because they feel embarrassed, but shining a light on OCD and other 'secret' mental health issues can only be a good thing. 

JoOfVengerberg

Thank you for sharing @Ada I think honestly it helps to reach out and not keep it all inside. I used to do that but I've learned that sharing how I'm feeling can be quite healing. It wasn't a rubbish answer at all, I appreciate you connecting with me and @Starlingbird thank you! I try to be as proactive as I can, it's easy to get lost in the bad thoughts sometimes though. Appreciate it

JoOfVengerberg

And here I am again with a messed up sleep schedule unable to quiet down. I don't know what's wrong with me. Everything feels like a mess.

JoOfVengerberg

Thanks @Ada. Huge hugs   I definitely need to fix my sleep schedule. Thanks so much for the support. x

Alex_Alumni

Hi @JoOfVengerberg and thanks for sharing how you've been feeling lately about your fears and anxiety.

It's positive to see everyone offer their thoughts and support. I'm glad you're getting help from your GP, and would definitely encourage you to explore mental health support at your university. 

Studying your PhD is something that takes up an awful lot of time and space in your life, and that's bound to get overwhelming sometimes. Seeking out help with managing this is something you're allowed to do, and if we can help with anything else, just shout. 

As @Ada has mentioned, getting enough sleep is really important, and it's easy to get into a bad pattern. I hope you're able to get some well deserved rest this weekend