Hi, my name is Julie awaiting an autism assessment

Julie0810

Hi everyone, my daughter is 14 and awaiting an autism assessment. She self harms and is struggling socially. If anyone can relate I'd love to chat.

Biblioklept

Hi @Julie0810!! I'm an adult with autism that used to be a teenager that self-harmed and hope that maybe I can relate a little or offer some of my experience

First of all you're amazing, the fact you're aware of her self-harming speaks volumes for your relationship and her trust in you. Even if things feel tough and awful or she acts like she hates you, remember that. Many parents (my own included) have no idea what their children are going through and aren't aware of self harm or any other difficulties. Teenagers suck and a teenager struggling with hormones and potential autism is going to be feeling so lost and alone, I know I did. And sadly it's really common for them to lash out at the people that mean the most, which includes themself.
One of the things I really needed to hear was that what I was feeling was (to a degree) normal. Like it's normal, especially for someone that overthinks everything, to find things difficult. It'll also mean she's looking at life through quite a negative lens and could do with help remembering there's good and that just because she sees something a certain way, doesn't mean it's the way it is.

Does she have a counsellor or anything and are school backing off on pressure?

I hope you're doing okay because I know helping someone going through a rough time is exhausting and terrifying and just all together draining. Remember you're important too and she needs to see self-care modelled for her to learn it  

SueHeath

Good afternoon @Julie0810 welcome to our great group, you've got some great support already with Biblioklept,
When you have the chance have a look around the site, any problems just ask, some one is bound to be on line.

Cher_Alumni

Hello @Julie0810 and a warm welcome to our online community, how's it going today?

I'm sorry to hear about the challenges your daughter is going through right now. I imagine, as a mum that is particularly difficult for you too. How are you coping?

I'm going to email you shortly, to see if there is anything we can do our end to help support you both. Please keep an eye on your inbox for that and get back to us when you can 

Otherwise, feel free to roam our community and get to know our lovely members a little better; our Autism and neurodiversity category is where you can find others going through similar. Take care.

Julie0810

Hi Biblioklept,

Thank you so much for your reply and you have absolutely nailed my situation! I am so grateful for the positive comments as I feel so down on myself at the moment and like I don't know if I'm doing the right thing or not.
I've struggled over the past year trying to get her to talk to someone and she has refused to talk to anyone - I have discovered most things by checking on her phone and then trying to gently open that conversation so she tells me herself. I pointed her towards and LGBTQ youth club which she loved straightaway, and with some more gentle pushing she is now getting counselling arranged through them. Just waiting to find out how long the waiting list is, and also waiting for an autism assessment appointment.

School have not done anything in particular other than trying to check in with her, but without a diagnosis it's hard to ask them to tell teachers how to help her. She's very academic and seems to be doing well even when she appears to be struggling.

Biblioklept

That's always the difficulty and statistically more so in girls than boys, that they learn masking skills very early and are able to put on such a front at school so seem okay and then fall apart at home or when they feel it's safe to do so. It's awesome you've managed to find her a group she likes, you sound so very caring and like you're doing all the right things!!! I know it probably sucks and I imagine some parents would be blaming themselves or wondering where they went wrong. If that's you, please know, from someone who has been where your daughter is, you've not done anything wrong and there's nothing you could have done differently for things to be different right now. 
As for school, even without a diagnosis they can be putting things in place. They have a responsiblity to her wellbeing, not just academics. Her mental health is important and unless they put more support in place or acknowledge that, they'll probably soon find the academics start to slip too. I'd never say self harm is attention seeking behaviour as it isn't always and certainly isn't always a thought out action, but it does show she is crying out for help somewhere and that she has a need that isn't being met. 

Is your daughter able to articulate anything she finds particularly difficult at school or things she'd find helpful? (I ask because I wouldn't have been able to as a teenager!!)

Julie0810

I'm going to see if I can have a chat with her about it, thank you. I've found a Reasonable Adjustments list on the Autistic Girls Network website which I can use as a basis. Honestly I can't tell you how reassuring what you've said is, I am constantly questioning whether I could have done things differently. Even the fact that autism has never once crossed our minds until I read a chat she was having with her friend about it, about a year ago.

L_Volunteer

Is there a particular thing your daughter is struggling with @Julie0810? - as an autistic person, I appreciate the disparity between academic success and other difficulties. Unfortunately, other difficulties can be missed though when there's academic success.

Other difficulties, for me, are particularly related to navigating a neurotypical world and the social struggles that come with this. Additionally, executive functioning can be difficult! And this can cause a feeling of overwhelm despite success. 

I wish you the best of luck with trying to have a chat with your daughter about it. In all honesty, even all autistic people are different and have different triggers so your daughter is best placed to say what's more challenging for her at the moment.

It can be difficult to identify these things so please try not to blame yourself. Though, I recognise that as a parent you're more likely to do this. We are here for you and listening to you whilst you try to navigate this and you don't have to face it alone 

Julie0810

Thank you so much for your reply. I would say she is working out how she works at the moment, but in particular is finding friendships and relationships difficult, as well as questioning her own gender and sexuality. I think she has some sensory issues so I have tried to get her sensory toys etc which she seems to appreciate. She really struggles to communicate how she's feeling, which is what is making it so hard for me as a parent, but I guess is super hard for her too.