I have an undiagnosed symptom that is so strange that explaining itself is a difficulty
Hi all, I apologize if this is not the right place to post a rather long and personal story, but I have been struggling with my own emotion for so long that I just wish to be able to share, to write down how this condition makes me feel physically and mentally.
I guess the best way to explain what I have is to say that it is a rib cage/exhalation/speech issue. I know it is hard for people without this condition to understand how these things are linked together, but to me it is extremely real and it presents challenge to every aspect of my life. I don`t know how long have I got it, or if I was born with something wrong in my body, but the first time I noticed something is off was back in 2018.
I am a non-native English speaker, and in 2018 I attended a university that instructs in English. When I had to communicate with people in English for the first time, I felt a strong sensation that I cannot make certain sounds/intonations without physically exhausting myself. The sensation is extremely strange, I literally cannot pronounce sounds that require longer/deeper exhalation, so I had to constantly draw deep breath and try to talk with a strange tone that sounds mostly flat without much up and down. Not only that, I also struggled with listening, and reading. I found it impossible to follow some Americans who speak fast, which I assumed was normal, but I feel breathless just by listening to most speeches and feel that something is preventing myself from exhale alongside the speaker, the same goes to reading, I understand all the words and grammar yet I can only read one word at a time, if I try to read fast I feel out of breath.
I should have known something was physically wrong with myself at that point. However my understanding of the language itself was very poor so it was hard for me to tell whether it was because of my lack of exposure to English speaking environment, or that I have physical difficulty with speech. I also was able to speak my mother tongue without obvious disability, although I do feel exhausted, I found ways to function, and I think it is because my mother tongue is individual character based and requires much less effort to exhale when speaking/listening. So in the end I just assumed that my English skill was extremely poor and I needed loads of exposure to the environment.
In the past 5 years, I worked extremely hard on improving my understanding of the language (probably thousands of hours invested, not exaggerating), I was able to score very high on language tests, yet the extremely aweful sensation of something being grossly wrong still accompanied me. Eventually, I started to realize what has been the problem all along. I noticed something abnormal about the way my left rib cage/hypochondrium area feels during respiration. this part of the ribs almost cannot contract at all when I exhale (which is essential for speaking, listening and reading a language) , it feels awefully like something inside the ribs are pressing against it, making it very difficult for me to push air out of my lung. I don`t know how other people feel on their rib cage when they exhale, but I think what I feel cannot be a normal sensation.
After noticing the abnormality, I immediately went to doctors and asked for various tests, they gave me CT of abdomen, chest X-ray, and gastroscopy, but all reports came back normal except that I have a small erosive gastrititis. I was prescribed esomeprazol and was told by the gastroenterologist that it could be the cause. I took the medicine, but it didn`t help at all. I consulted a few GPs and all they can come up with is that "probably too much air in your bowels", so I took some drug for air reduction, it didn`t help either. I searched online, asked about my symptoms in so many different forums yet no one seems to understand my description, I started to realize that what I feel must be extremly rare.
I was told by someone that it might be somatic attack, and I thought about the possiblity, I`m willing to go through treatments if in the future specialists recommend me to, but personally I don`t think what I have is stress/anxiety induced. Some doctors told me it might go away by itself, but it has been 5 years since I first encountered it, and in the past years I cannot remember a day when I felt differently. The symptom is consistently presenting, and to think about all the confusion, stuggle and pain it brought to me is just emotionally overwhelming. I am going to enter a Ph.D. program in a few months, and for someone who need to read and absorb tons of written material, I am extremely slow at reading, and I still struggle with even simple daily communications. My friends don`t notice that because I feel more comfortable around them, I concentrate, use all my force and speak slow, giving myself time to breath deeply, but I cannot hold myself in a fast-paced conversation, I feel unatural, unable to function. In the past, I was able to remain positive despite of my extremely low functionality because I thought it was a normal learning process and in a few months/years I will have no problem. But that is not the case.
What breaks my heart the most is that I met some of the most important people in my life in the past years, and I know I cannot ever afford to lose what I have with them. Last year, before I uncovered the truth of my speech disability, I spent time with them, wonderful times, perfect times that I`ll remember and cherish for the rest of my life. I felt uncomfortable and unable to speak naturally around them, yet I had no doubt that in the future it wouldn`t be the case. Now? I don`t know, I am not sure if I`ll ever be able to function like a normal person, and that thought scares me day and night, I wipe out tears every morning and afternoon, when I start to think about what stands between me and my most cherished relationship. I told myself I will not give up, I am willing to do anything to overcome this seemingly impossible barrier.
So, here I am, I am still looking for answers and try to put myself together to face what is awaiting me in the future. I am determined to do a few more tests and see if there`s issues with my respiratory system, rib joints and muscles, or maybe the organs inside the left hypochonrium area. Could it be neurological/psychological? I wish to find out too. I feel better after writting down my thoughts, even though I am still no where close to solving the mystery of my body. I hope this is not tedious reading and I will appreciate any input to the discussion under this thread. Thank you very much!
