really don't think living alone is viable long term anymore

Stellar

so i've been in social housing for several months now and I'm concluding more and more that i don't think me living alone long term is viable anymore.

i'm struggling to get get anything done regarding employment and meeting new people cause so much of my time and energy is spent on household chores or other life admin. and even then it's so exhausting and it never [removed by moderator - profanity] ends.

i'm finding planning for self-employment or trying to look for a conventional job so difficult in part so difficult to juggle living at home. which i need to do so i can leave this country so i can finally have a life worth living (and not be in a country / system that psychologically abuses me mentally every day). by the end of the day i'm so exhausted i cant do much other than play video games.

i really don't know what to do. ideally i need to either live with someone else so we can split the income or pay for a cleaner. but i have no friends or family to move in with due to my now-resolved homelesness and the fact nobody i actually try to meet in person is able to follow through even when it's through no fault of their own. so i'm basically lonely. and groups are often too inaccessible or too unreliable on when they are held, and all the above makes it even harder to attend.

and as for a cleaner, i'm going to need money to pay them, which i don't have unless i return to work.

 and don't tell me to go to social services. that'll retraumatise me because they don't communicate, mess me around or insist i engage orgs, assuming they don't decide to reejct me for some arbitrary reason. all of which would trigger my cptsd so for my own sanity i can't engage. i also would find communicating for the social care assessments almost impossible because they're too open ended and i'm stressed out about it.

Spoonbill

Hi Stellar - will leave the giving ideas on keeping your current place to others here! In another thread, however, forum member @caitlint19 recently posted that they were looking to share... Perhaps the odds are against two forum strangers setting up as housemates, but thought I should mention as a just-maybe option! (Also a few ideas for house/flat-sharing within the linked thread, in case that's the way you go.) HTH.

Hannah_Alumni

Hello @Stellar

It sounds like such a tough situation and I'm sorry you had such a hard time with Social Services.

I think social events would be the best starting point as you have said you feel lonely. I know you mentioned accessibility as a barrier, there are some groups that meet online and in person. As you build friendships with these groups, you can voice those barriers with accessibility and hopefully find better places to meet. Or maybe, even start your own group? Start online and move into meeting up?

rubin16

Hey I don't know if this will help or not, but I've recently moved from being with parents all my life to living alone, I found it difficult to plan cleaning and discovered a cleaning app on my phone that tells me what needs doing, so you do small bits of cleaning each day and tick when done I have found this to be useful as it physically tells me to go clean and what I need to clean. It makes it more manageable and finding that clean/you time balance.

I can't advertise the app I use, but there are plenty out there that do this and help you and remind you.

Maria8

Hi Stellar, I hear you. CPTSD made my life very complicated but so far I am managing living on my own and even if it is a huge struggle I definitely prefer this struggle to sharing. Every CPTSD is different even on the same person though, I am on a relapse now and it is a nightmare because my body is different and my circumstances are too after so many years, hence please be patient if what I say doesn't make sense in your case. I know that unfortunately there is no help that I found to navigate such an heavy condition staying independent. I guess you are living in a one bedroom now and if I struggle but manage because of my exhaustion and dissociation I bet you could too. Probably, as someone suggested, you might just need help organising the tasks and understanding how to keep your space clean without too much effort and then you might eventually ask someone to take care of a deep cleaning now and then. I also think it might be rewarding if you could get the basic skills to make your life better now and there or anywhere else. What do you think? If you would enjoy this kind of support I might try and help.

Hannah_Alumni

Although it does feel at times there is no help, please remember you always have us in the community to vent and talk to there are great organisations like SHOUT if you'd rather talk privately, and for those who are struggling you can refer yourselves for a needs assessment 

Stellar

Maria8 said:

Hi Stellar, I hear you...I know that unfortunately there is no help that I found to navigate such an heavy condition staying independent. I guess you are living in a one bedroom now and if I struggle but manage because of my exhaustion and dissociation I bet you could too. Probably, as someone suggested, you might just need help organising the tasks and understanding how to keep your space clean without too much effort and then you might eventually ask someone to take care of a deep cleaning now and then. I also think it might be rewarding if you could get the basic skills to make your life better now and there or anywhere else. What do you think? If you would enjoy this kind of support I might try and help.

thank you. i do want to hire a cleaner but i need money. i'm not sure what skills i'd benefit from. a lot of comes down to executve dysfunction and cptsd-regulated deregulation juggling everyhthing. there's objectively too many tasks.

i'm thinknig long term i need to move in with people i trust or enter a similar living situation where the stress of managing a home is lightened, like house sitting or living in a commune. in a sense i get why people rent (but renting in the UK is basically legalised abuse).

EffinMuppet said:

Just to say, these things wouldn't be different for me in another country and another nation isn't going to be anymore understanding about my circumstances; I work with people from different countries and they all say it's the same or worse where they were born. I'm 'old' and I've found (having done it) that moving around doesn't lose your problems. Society doesn't support people like us so we have to find a way... I hope the way you feel about YOUR circumstances isn't fuelled by other people's judgement of you. It may be tough but be kind to yourself about why things are as they are, help yourself where you can but try not too stress too much about the rest. You're not alone x

thing is, many aspects of british society are are the roots of a lot of mty trauma. things like the stiff upper lip (ie. indirect communication culture) to a complete refusal to engage in politics properly (ie. protests and general strikes, not useless petitions or letter writing and accusing anyone who challenges their worldview of calling them stupid), hence my quality of life (and everyone else on the forum) has gotten objectively worse. just ask anyone whos' had to go on benefits.

migrating won't fix everything, but being away from these triggers in an environment where people will actually fight for what they deserve and have reasonable costs of living, social support will help so much.

Hannah_Scope said:

Although it does feel at times there is no help, please remember you always have us in the community to vent and talk to there are great organisations like SHOUT if you'd rather talk privately, and for those who are struggling you can refer yourselves for a needs assessment 

Needs assessments - like all services - limit resources as much as possible to the point they're a service in name only. this is cause of austerity combined with a culture that looks down on those they claim to want to help. this is before mentioning the lakc of communication, blatant lying and staff closing ranks to protect themselves no matter the harm done.

plus even if hell freezes over and you get through their inaccessible processes and they actually offer help, they will try to withdraw support whether partially or fully after a few months cause they don't want to encourage "dependency" or a life out of work. As if people who have long term needs and/or can't work don't exist.

Maria8

Dear Stellar, I understand your frustration and your hope to find different solutions for your life and wellbeing. I have made my experiences (I feel much older than you) and I have reached the conclusion that especially for people sensitive and sensible, unconventional, free and independent, the problem is to deal with the others' behaviour, which can be challenging even in unconventional contexts. Nevertheless, I support completely your need to look for solutions that might suit you better, in the end we all need our own experiences to learn who we are and what this world is like and we can definitely reach different conclusions. In the past I have hired cleaners for most of my life but CPTSD came also with financial difficulties and everything changed completely. I have understood though that my best cleaners had been great examples to follow and, until exhaustion came as a further challenge, I discovered that I could easily do without that help. Now I cannot anymore do what is needed in one go, especially because of the lack of energy and my volatile attention. Before this relapse I could clean my space all together, once a week probably in a couple of hours (knowing what to do and how helps a lot). After the relapse I have learnt that I need to split the tasks in micro tasks, doable in ten minutes, and spread the cleaning operations through the week or ten days. Every day, depending on my energies and capability to stay safe, I complete a few micro tasks. Something that would have looked like ridiculous in the past became my lifesaving way to cope. No humiliation and frustration anymore if I cannot clean not even just the wet room in one go, every chore is split in several micro tasks (the basin, the toilet, the shower, the floor, etc...) and I can do just what I feel like when I feel like and in the end everything will be done. In fact there are also good days and lots of good will that can compensate the too many bad days and in the end my space is not immaculate but still decent. The main trick is to avoid overdoing, as it worsens the exhaustion and our psychological balance, helping with a bit of consistence and assiduity. I have also found a very light but powerful hoover to make it less tiring and even a small steamer to take care of my clothes more easily. My independence is probably what I value the most and lots of love and compassion for myself made me understand better my difficulties and find ways to cope. Being the carer of myself in this year and a half has been a tough adventure but I love myself more than ever . Vulnerability can be powerful

Spoonbill

Hi again @Stellar - on the question of house-sharing, wondered if you'd had any more thoughts on where you might find potential housemates?

In the thread I linked before, Tori also made a point about trying to spur interest and develop networks. You may know a number of people that are in settled situations, but I get the sense that you don't currently know where to find people who'd be open to co-housing with a disabled person. As you say, some people have found communes (or 'intentional communities') to be a place where people live more co-operatively, but would also say it can mean lifestyles that aren't for everyone, and don't necessarily prevent similar issues on smaller scales (or other issues).

Looking in between the mainstream and separated communities, if you could make connections through common interests in social problems experienced by disabled people, do you think perhaps you might meet people in similar positions you wouldn't otherwise have done, from there perhaps leading to a living situation which is less conventional but which nonetheless suits you better? I mean, there's no guarantees (caveat emptor) but maybe that's a way to say "Hi, I'm here, this is what's going on, does anyone here want to work with me or do you know anyone that might?"... Sorry that's long - hope it's understandable.