Why can't I get anywhere near a new relationship I want? — Scope | Disability forum
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Why can't I get anywhere near a new relationship I want?

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Splatmate24
Splatmate24 Community member Posts: 380 Courageous
in Dating, sex, and relationships

So far i only been online dating since i did i kept meeting men in real life from youth club. i have missed two meetup that is aim for learning disability in Manchester. my town is Warrington and only has youth club but both learning disability and mainstream people go there. i met one of my ex that was from nothwich youth club and i got 9 ex boyfriend. that was only one good guy but ended it anyway that one from college. the other rest with trash and some were a cheaters. Trying to find a new boyfriend and taking breaks from online dating but can't seem to get anything done. So far, I have also found very limited options for people with learning disabilities and most guys would rather be friends and not interested in dating or a relationship. I think tiktok is one of the social media to blame that they don't even want to have a relationship. some women on tiktok since they complain about men all time when to approach them but also complain when they don't approached. i do kept missing the option and that why i can't find any real good guys in real life or online dating? Yup, I'm still single by choice even though I don't want to be single. I've been getting men who are short and unattractive to tall men so far. I am not attracted to them anyway. A short guy or an avenge guy would be preferred. Additionally, we saw some men who were clearly lying about their own height on online dating profiles. It seems that i can't get what i want without men getting what they want i want to get what i want first instead but never happen with me first. It takes a very long time to get close to getting a new boyfriend.

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Comments

  • Stellar
    Stellar Community member Posts: 131 Pioneering
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    it sounds like you definitely need to take a step back from trying to find a boyfriend for the time being. it's wearing you down mentally and it's pretty clear that's the case judging by your post history.

    there is someone out there for you.
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  • Splatmate24
    Splatmate24 Community member Posts: 380 Courageous
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    @Strellar i already have taken multiple breaks and hasn't fix and hasn't gotten any near it .
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  • Stellar
    Stellar Community member Posts: 131 Pioneering
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    Splatmate24 said:
    @Strellar i already have taken multiple breaks and hasn't fix and hasn't gotten any near it .
    as you've taken multiple breaks and still not gotten anywhere, then the reason why you're struggling is something that just taking breaks on its own won't solve.

    something else you might not be aware of is that your posts on here imply you're desperate for a boyfriend. that is something that's not attractive and will turn off potential guys.

    If people on this forum are sensing that, then so will guys you talk to. your body language communicates this to them even if you're not aware of it.

    Next time you take a break, really take the time to work on yourself. like joining more youth groups, making more friends, progressing in a job if you can. that will make you attractive to the right guy.
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  • Splatmate24
    Splatmate24 Community member Posts: 380 Courageous
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    @Stellar Yep, I still take a break for a very long time and still nothing changes much. This doesn't help me much. I just put a mark on every time that I go outside for the point. I don't feel safe. I can't keep friends and I'm none of the things that you said is mention is not true. Desperate not. I rejected guys in some form . Guys on this platform. I also use other dating sites and apps that I don't put any questions.  I annoyed at men and me.It is not a dating site. Just social media like Facebook. I reject guys that are too old. They also reject guys too younger. So I'm not.desperate
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  • Cartini
    Cartini Community member Posts: 1,108 Pioneering
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    Stellar said:
    Splatmate24 said:
    @Strellar i already have taken multiple breaks and hasn't fix and hasn't gotten any near it .

    something else you might not be aware of is that your posts on here imply you're desperate for a boyfriend. that is something that's not attractive and will turn off potential guys.



    My thoughts exactly.
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  • L_Volunteer
    L_Volunteer Community Volunteer Adviser, Scope Member Posts: 7,978 Disability Gamechanger
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    You have mentioned you can’t seem to get anything done @Splatmate24 and not feeling safe. This sounds really difficult.

    Would you feel comfortable sharing a little more with us about what this looks like for you at the moment?

    I can really hear how much you are wanting to find good guys but are struggling with this at the moment. We are here with you and listening to you.

    As you have indicated, it is better to be single (even if you don’t want to be) than with a bad guy / a guy you are not supposed to be with.

    One strength I always notice with you is your boundaries in recognising what you and don’t want. Please do let us know if there's anything we can do to support you  :)

    Community Volunteer Adviser with professional knowledge of education, special educational needs and disabilities and EHCP's. Pronouns: She/her. 

    Please note: if I use the online community outside of its hours of administration, I am doing so in a personal capacity only.
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  • Splatmate24
    Splatmate24 Community member Posts: 380 Courageous
    edited March 2023
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    @L_Volunteer . I don't feel not safe with some people on disabled dating since they still can messing you if I blocked them like and some them are outside of my age range .  seem to like other people seem to get first then me here struggling to get anywhere near relationship . i been single 2 years and half .i just bored of being single . get angry and get sad . i don't get attention my mum . can't date men that i want to date . is has be men with a learning disability and my mum is very strict to only dating  men with a learning disability or i can't date at all . i prefer mainstream dating apps or sites . i'm just looking for one that i wanted and still hasn't gotten anywhere . i has be texting an multiple different . all them are same type of extreme end . stop messing me once again .
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  • Stellar
    Stellar Community member Posts: 131 Pioneering
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    Splatmate24 said:
    i don't get attention my mum . can't date men that i want to date . is has be men with a learning disability and my mum is very strict to only dating  men with a learning disability or i can't date at all .
    it sounds like your mum's strictness on who she allows you to date is also a big part of the problems you're having and thus holding you back from finding romantic happiness.

    you're an adult. unless you've got a guardianship (aka you've had your decision making capacity stripped from you) and your mum has rights to make decisions for you, you can date whoever you like. she shouldn't be allowed to limit who you're allowed to date and thus should be ignored.

    to take the most good faith assumption, she's likely mollycoddling you (ie. being overprotective) because she's scared if you date a non disabled man that man will abuse you and destroy your life. hence some anxiety is understandable, but refusal to accommodate just leads to friction like this.

    there are non-disabled men out there who won't abuse disabled women and will treat them with respect (especially as their parents are more likely to have taught them boundaries and not mollycoddle them like a lot of disabled men have been by their own family, thus mistreating you).
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  • Splatmate24
    Splatmate24 Community member Posts: 380 Courageous
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    @stellar. i have try to talk her and she will not change her mind and has comes with being mainstream man will abuse me  and take advantage of me . these type of stuff what always seem to go over . same with other thing i don't . my mum will refuse to talk me about dating and kept telling that i'm not kid or teenage anymore . still has't gotten anywhere and very much strict  only me when comes to dating or i'm not allow to date if i mention anything men without learning disability . i can only date men with learning disability . my mum will never and always said no most of men that do not have a learning disability . doesn't do with my two sister . that is one is older sister can date who she want . my younger sister can date she want and she could might have a learn in disability .
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  • L_Volunteer
    L_Volunteer Community Volunteer Adviser, Scope Member Posts: 7,978 Disability Gamechanger
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    It sounds like your mum cares about you and is trying to keep you safe @Splatmate24. However, I hear how this feels like your mum is being strict with you. 

    You are at an age now where your preferences matter too and deserve to feel validated but in a way that still takes care of you and keeps you safe  :)
    Community Volunteer Adviser with professional knowledge of education, special educational needs and disabilities and EHCP's. Pronouns: She/her. 

    Please note: if I use the online community outside of its hours of administration, I am doing so in a personal capacity only.
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  • Splatmate24
    Splatmate24 Community member Posts: 380 Courageous
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    @L_Volunteer . my two one older sister can date or be in relationship with any men she want to . my younger sister is OK with having any men she want to have a relationship and just has the talk both sisters . it just seem to be me that mum make stricter since i did ask both of my sisters and they said not strict with dating or relationship .  i think younger sister as type of learning disability to but is would make a unfair if let one them to date what they want and me that i can't date mainstream men
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  • L_Volunteer
    L_Volunteer Community Volunteer Adviser, Scope Member Posts: 7,978 Disability Gamechanger
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    I hear you @Splatmate24, almost like this is unfairly compared to your sister's. It's probably to help keep you safe but I know you feel you should be allowed more freedom to choose who to date  :)
    Community Volunteer Adviser with professional knowledge of education, special educational needs and disabilities and EHCP's. Pronouns: She/her. 

    Please note: if I use the online community outside of its hours of administration, I am doing so in a personal capacity only.
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  • Stellar
    Stellar Community member Posts: 131 Pioneering
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    L_Volunteer said:
    I hear you @Splatmate24, almost like this is unfairly compared to your sister's. It's probably to help keep you safe but I know you feel you should be allowed more freedom to choose who to date :)
    it is unfair (and also infantilising). and frankly if her mum dosen't back down,

    I would not be surprised if Splatmate starts lying to her mum about who's she's dating (ie. by pretending her next boyfriend has a learning disability even when he dosen't). And then if said boyfriend does turn out to be abusive, it'll be partly her mum's fault for not creating an environment where her kid feels she can be honest with them. then nobody is happy. i'd argue this is already the case to an extent in her situation given how much she posts about it in here.

    it's a tricky balance between safeguarding and being overprotective. get it wrong and the consequences are lifelong.
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  • Splatmate24
    Splatmate24 Community member Posts: 380 Courageous
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    @Stellar. yet in toxic relationship with last ex boyfriend and has been cheated on more then once from men in college that i went to learning disabilities college they just be toxic and i had 9 ex boyfriend . met some of them of Facebook . because i got verbal abuse at the mainstream college that some people try to make did  inappropriate dancing but is was always has wrong times . 
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  • Stellar
    Stellar Community member Posts: 131 Pioneering
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    so sorry you had to deal with such awful experiences in the past. a lot of people aren't like they were in school / college, hopefully you can find someone who is more mature and won't do that, which is more likely now then when you were in college.
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  • Splatmate24
    Splatmate24 Community member Posts: 380 Courageous
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    @Stellar that didn't happen in school but is did also happen in college and happen again outside of college .  

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